Gimli and Boromir Strike Back
by Dodendans
Summary: Tired of being abused by Sues and their authors, Gimli and Boromir decide that for once they will get revenge. ON HOLD
1. 1omg an elven valkyrie1!

Disclaimer: You know the drill. I don't own The Lord of the Rings, any characters or places from The Silmarillion or anything else J.R.R Tolkien wrote. Plus, as you might have suspected, I don't own any of the characters or places derived from various ancient mythologies that might be in this story. I do own several embarrassing Mary Sues, however.  
  
Author's Note – Even though the first chapters are spent introducing the first Sue, I assure you that the point of this story is for Gimli and Boromir, the two characters that Sue writers don't seem to understand, can get their revenge on the Sue at least this once. Look out for mythology mangling too, and some surprise allies. This is rated PG for some very minor language and maybe some battle later on.

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Tall and fair was she with hair as light and dazzling as a pure beam of the sun's rays and piercing crystalline eyes that could only be likened to the color of an icy pond in deep winter. Her satin dress gleamed as blue as the deepest sea although she was quite unused to wearing such finery. This woman sat bareback upon a fine white stallion as she stared down from the clouds into the green valley of Rivendell below. For she was Vallawen, an elven Valkyrie sent by the great god Odin to aid The Fellowship of the Ring, despite the fact that Odin is a Norse deity who has nothing to do at all with Arda. Not to mention the fact that valkyries have no place in Middle Earth either. But this elven Valkyrie was unique because she was half-Elf, half-Valkyrie; her mother Brunhild had fallen in love with the elf Hindir, and Vallawen had sprung from this virtually impossible union because she was special.  
  
"There it is, Gingus Kahn," she told her magical white stallion – a gift from Freyja, goddess of love and her stepmother. "Rivendell. We must go and make sure Frodo Baggins completes his quest to Mount Doom by the decree of Odin!"  
  
And with a great shout the Valkyrie summoned forth the powers of Ragnarok and the spirits of the dead for no real reason other than to make the author sound knowledgeable about Norse mythology, and her great steed sprang down from the clouds like a mighty gust of wind. Down they swooped, and many un-canonical elf peasants in the fields outside Rivendell were frightened and ran indoors.  
  
"A great hawk sent from the gods to punish us!" they cried. "Hide! It will eat our children!"  
  
Vallawen heard this and called among the winds, "Fear not, good elves! No hawk am I! For I am Vallawen, Valkyrie of Odin, here to save Middle Earth!"  
  
The peasant elves heard her, and there was much rejoicing.  
  
Anyway, the gorgeous she-elf (yes, she-elf) Valkyrie swooped into the Rivendell Council on her magical stallion-with-the-ridiculous-name to the amazement and surprise of all already there. Lord Elrond and Gandalf the Grey both recognized her as they usually do when it comes to such Sues.  
  
"Praise Odin!" Gandalf cried to the others when he saw her. "He has seen our need and sent the maiden Vallawen to aid us in this matter of the Ring. My prayer has been answered!"  
  
Elladan was understandably confused. "Surely you mean Ossë," he said to the wizard. "Or Oromë."  
  
"No! Do not question Gandalf. He speaks of Odin, the mightiest god of them all!" Elrond corrected his son crossly. "He and the other gods in his pantheon are even mightier than Ilúvatar himself." The Lord of Rivendell crossed over to Vallawen and was nearly blinded by her beauty. "Welcome, lady! This is an unexpected surprise!"  
  
Prince Legolas of Mirkwood gasped like a fish out of water when Vallawen and her stallion arrived; never in all his years had he laid eyes on a creature so exquisite. Lately he had grown restless roaming the not-so- spider-infested lush coniferous forests and rolling hills in Mirkwood, bored with hunting and playing manly games with his friends all day long, and he was more than glad when his father had ordered him to go to Rivendell for a council to discuss the fate of the Ring at the bidding of Lord Elrond - even though Elrond really couldn't have bid anyone come to discuss the fate of the Ring because the arrival of Frodo was rather unexpected, and everyone had come for different reasons to begin with. But Legolas hadn't come to tell of Gollum's escape in this story; he was there solely as the Valkyrie's love interest even though he didn't know it yet. But he would soon find out.  
  
"Thank you, my lord," said Vallawen in a divine voice that sounded like icy chimes rustling through the wind on a harsh winter's day. "All I can do to help I shall. Let us return to the discussion." The elven Valkyrie turned to her horse and said, "Go on, Gingus! Find some lush grass to feast upon and leave me to my duty!"  
  
To the astonishment of everyone, the stallion spoke back. "Yes, m'lady." And tossing his silver mane he cantered away more gracefully than any mearas and in an instant had disappeared.  
  
Gandalf hugged the woman. "How have you been, child? Have you turned sixteen already?"  
  
"Yes, Mithrandir. My birthday was about a month ago, but you know as well as I that Odin has graced me with the wisdom of a person far beyond my age. You silly old man, you!" She planted a kiss on his cheek.  
  
"Everyone!" Gandalf called the council's attention to the girl once more. "This is Vallawen, my foster daughter. She has been sent by Odin to aid us in our discussion."  
  
Vallawen settled down in a chair next to Elrond and fell silent, studying the members of the council in turn as the discussion continued.  
  
"Bring forth the Ring, Frodo," Elrond ordered, motioning to a stone pedestal in the middle of the circle. And thus began the age-old process of rewriting the Council movie script and simply inserting the Sue at certain points.  
  
A small creature stood up from the extreme left of the group and hesitantly walked forward. After several long moments, the Ring was displayed. Frodo walked back as though a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. The others stared at the Ring, except for Legolas who only had eyes for the elven Valkyrie sitting across from him.  
  
For her part Vallawen was aware of the keen eyes of Mirkwood's prince upon her but paid no heed. Her attention had focused on a brown haired man to her right.  
  
"So it is true," the brown haired man almost whispered. He stood up and surveyed the circle around him. "A dream. I saw the eastern sky go dark, but in the West a pale light lingered. Voices were crying that doom was near at hand – Isildur's Bane is found. Islidur's Bane . . ." His slowly hand reached for the Ring, and for a moment all was still.  
  
"Boromir!" Elrond leapt to his feet, crying out just before the man could reach it.  
  
Boromir jerked back like one startled out of a dream as Gandalf too stood and began to speak in a strange tongue, filling the air with tremors of sound.

"Ash nazg durbatulûk,

Ash nazg gimbatul,

Ash nazg thrakatulûk,

Agh burzum-ishi krimpatul."

Darkness descended upon the council as the Black Speech filled the air. Gimli the dwarf cried out. Legolas shut his eyes. Boromir retreated several steps. Vallawen sat frozen like a statue.

Gandalf's hideous words ceased, and Boromir sat down with a bewildered look in his eyes, but Elrond turned and glared daggers at the old wizard, saying something about how evil the language he had just spoken was and that it was not welcome in Rivendell.  
  
"I do not ask your pardon, Lord Elrond, for the Black Speech of Mordor may yet be heard in every corner of the West," Gandalf simply replied. He glared at Boromir and finished, "The Ring is altogether evil."  
  
"Nay, it is a gift." Boromir apparently still had other ideas about the Ring, and Gandalf turned back to him with a wild look as he continued, "A gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this Ring?" The Man stood up and angrily walked the circle. "Long has my father the Steward of Gondor kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe."  
  
Vallawen shifted uncomfortably at these words while Legolas studied her again – her long blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect nose, body like an hourglass of tan steel, and exquisitely shaped arms and legs. "Never before have I seen a girl like her before," he told himself, for he knew he was falling in love.  
  
"Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy! Let us use it against him!" Boromir triumphantly looked around, trying to rally others to his side.  
  
Feeling it was time to step in as most Sues do at this time, Vallawen cried, "You fool! What in the name of Skadi makes you think you can wield the Ring?" Her sharp eyes bore into the Man wrathfully, and right then and there the elven Valkyrie decided she despised him. He was evil because he wanted to take the Ring – it was as simple as that. "How stupid can you get?" Her once noble speech had turned into that of a modern day teenager without warning as it tended to do.  
  
Aragorn also jumped in. "You cannot wield it!" he informed Boromir wisely. "The one Ring answers to Sauron alone! It has no other master!"  
  
Scowling, Boromir turned and skeptically studied the two. "And what would a ranger know of this matter?" he snapped, choosing to ignore the woman completely.  
  
Vallawen started to rebuke him but Legolas got there first. "This is no mere ranger!" he cried out, his eyes-that-should-be-gray-but-were-blue shining. "He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance." He looked from Boromir to Vallawen who smiled gently upon him, making his cheeks turn crimson. Seeing his discomfort, she winked at him and turned away.  
  
"Aragorn? _This_ is Isildur's heir?" Boromir inquired with an amused look.  
  
The ranger raised his head nobly, and Legolas, feeling emboldened by Vallawen's wink, continued, "And heir to the throne of Gondor."  
  
"Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king."  
  
"And what does Gondor need? An arrogant bastard like you ruling? I think not!" Vallawen yelled spitefully. Long blonde strands of her golden hair had fallen from her jewel-encrusted horned helmet, and she brushed it out of her eyes.  
  
"And who are you? A demon spawned by Sauron to come and set us all against each other?" Boromir sneered, rolling his eyes. He couldn't believe this odd girl – she came barging in uninvited and was now insulting him for no reason.  
  
Eyes blazing, the elven Valkyrie gave a mighty cry. "Who am I? You must not have been listening to Lord Elrond earlier, you fool! For I am Vallawen, daughter of Brunhild and Hindir, sent by the great Odin to help Frodo Baggins on his journey!"  
  
A gasp rang out from the council at her last few words.  
  
Frodo Baggins was stunned. "My journey?" he stammered.  
  
Vallawen turned to him. Ruining the point of the Council of Elrond, she said in her musical voice, "Yes, my sweet Frodo, your journey to Mount Doom to destroy the Ring. Odin has decreed that you shall go with ten companions: Aragorn, Vallawen, Legolas, Boromir, Gimli, Samwise Gamgee, Pippin, Gandalf, and Merry. Now let us be gone!" She raised her great sword Frinwiniel to the heavens and gave another great shout, leaving a stunned council in silence.  
  
"Yes, m'lady!" said Legolas. He stood up and went over to the Sue- I mean, elven Valkyrie and bent down on one knee. "You have my bow!" He kissed her icy hand and cried, "Oh! Your hand feels of ice!" And his great hand covered hers, sending warmth soaring through it. But she gently removed his hand and said, "Be not troubled with me, sweet prince. My heart is destined to be ice for all eternity and nothing can warm it." And her eyes seemed to fill with tears but she brushed them away.  
  
Ignoring the incredibly stupid scene in front of them, Gandalf, Aragorn, Boromir, and Gimli pledged to help Frodo Baggins complete his quest. And of course Sam, Pippin, and Merry raced in, and Elrond declared them all The Fellowship of the Ring. Now if Elrond had been canonical he would have known that Vallawen shouldn't be going along. But in this world of the sue anything went (besides, who cares about nine members for nine Nazgûl but that silly Tolkien and his nerdy fans?).  
  
Pippin gave an excited grin. "Right! Where are we going?"  
  
He is so cute, Vallawen thought with a smile, but that smile faded when she saw Legolas looking sympathetically at her. Oh, no. "Legolas," she said softly. "Do not feel sorry for me and my heart of ice. We have Frodo to worry about now instead." Then she turned and whistled. "Gingus!" she called.  
  
With a burst of dramatic music, her steed flew towards her. With a whinny he asked, "What is your bidding, my lady?" The noble beast looked splendid. His silver mane fell down to his knees, his tail hit the ground, and his snow white body was free of all mud and filth. His hooves were a glittering gold. Not even Shadowfax of Rohan could compare to this horse of Freyja, and Vallawen knew it.  
  
"Sweet, Gingus!" she continued, "you must now carry me along with this brave Fellowship right away. We must be off!" Making sure her many jewel-encrusted weapons were attached to her saddle and belt, she skillfully mounted the horse. "Come, Fellowship!"  
  
Aragorn frowned. "Shouldn't we wait a couple of months so the scouts can inform us about what is going on in the East?" The ranger was wise and knew the risks of immediately heading out from Rivendell; they could all be killed in seconds if orcs were close by and in hiding.  
  
Paying him no heed since she was a Sue and cared not for common sense, Vallawen turned to Elrond. "My sweet king," she told him, "you have been blessed by Odin."  
  
"Thank you m'lady, but I am not a king –"  
  
She interrupted him. "Fear nothing and have faith." The sixteen year old elven Valkyrie kissed the immortal elf's forehead like a mother would a child's. "Now let us be off!" And she galloped away to the gate, followed slowly by the nine true members. If she had truly cared for the well-being of the Ring-bearer, she would have stayed behind, for her very presence jeopardized the Fellowship's mission. . . 

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	2. Because Mangling Norse Mythology is Fun

Disclaimer: I don't own _The Lord of the Rings_ or any of the other characters. But I DO own Vallawen and Gingus (yes, I know his name is misspelled), and you can't steal their names or use them without asking me first because I am soooo proud I was clever enough to make them up! I own them completely, and I am supported by the copyright laws so you can't steal them! Ok, just kidding. I had to do it – many Sue writers really do say stuff like that, as sad as it is. Steal these stupid, shameful characters I made up if you really want to. Just don't come crying to me when they turn on you.

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Days later the Fellowship had grown weary of traveling - well, all save Vallawen of course. She always rode ahead to scout out the upcoming terrain for enemies and rarely spoke to the other members, making some of them curious about her. Clad in metallic armor consisting of a breast plate, shoulder and wrists guards, and a horned helmet decorated in fine topaz gems, the Valkyrie was a sight to behold, for one of the others had ever seen such clothing and wondered about her origin.  
  
"Is she a Maia?" Aragorn inquired of Gandalf as they walked.  
  
The wizard answered, "No, she is the child of one of Odin's Valkyries. As said at the council, Odin is the mightiest god of them all."  
  
"Even over Eru?" Pippin was still confused.  
  
"Of course over Eru!" Gandalf fairly shouted. "Fool of a Took! Doubt nothing I say of her – I have known her for years and years. She has almost been like a foster daughter to me, but I really don't know much of her past. By all accounts I should since I am like her foster father, but I don't." It was obvious that he was no longer the true Gandalf the Grey but Sue-mentor!Gandalf who believed every last thing the Sue said and would defend her honor against the others no matter what.  
  
Boromir broke in, "She is a mystery indeed – one I don't care to learn anymore about. I don't trust her." As he spoke, his eyes rapidly surveyed the path in front of them as though he expected the woman to suddenly appear out of nowhere; the Captain General of Gondor had been apprehensive of her from the beginning and showed no signs of trusting the girl.  
  
"Nor I," said Gimli thoughtfully. "But perhaps we should try to learn more about her."  
  
"How? I know what she thinks of me and certainly don't want to question her about her most likely tragic past," said Boromir cantankerously. "Anyone else care to ask her?" He received no answer. "I thought not."  
  
An idea suddenly flashed through Aragorn's mind. With a grin and a glance at the blond elf walking next to him, the ranger commented, "You've seen the looks Legolas has given her. He should go talk to her! How about it, Legolas? You seem to like her the most."  
  
Legolas looked like a flushed teenager. "It isn't like that, Aragorn. I feel pity for the maiden and nothing more. Haven't you felt her hands? They feel like the coldest ice of Helcaraxë!" His blue eyes-that-should-be- gray sank in sympathy. "Doubtless she has been alone all of her life."  
  
"Doubtless she has never heard of Helcaraxë either," joked Boromir, and Gimli gave a snort of laughter. The little amount they had learned about Vallawen in the past days made the two of them conclude that she wasn't familiar with the history of Middle Earth. None of that Norse mythology junk both the Sue- I mean, elven Valkyrie and Gandalf had been telling about was credible to either of them.  
  
"She never speaks of Ilúvatar," Gimli observed. The dwarf twirled his axe and chuckled. "It's always 'Odin this,' and 'Odin that.' What I want to know is this: who in the name of Mahal is Odin? And her clothing is much too revealing to be good."  
  
Gandalf scowled at him but said nothing.  
  
Boromir had been pondering Gimli's first statement and suddenly gave a crude laugh. "I think I know who this Odin is. He is one of her orc friends back in Mordor!" he said, referring back to his first thoughts at the council.  
  
Mirkwood's prince frowned at the Man. "Don't make fun at her expense, Boromir. She is too beautiful to make jest of. But I will do as you suggest, Aragorn. Tonight when we camp I will approach her." And the elf stalked on ahead without another word to his companions.  
  
Thus later that night when they camped, Legolas made his move. Vallawen was over grooming her Gingus as usual – even though he was too perfect to really need it – while the others hovered around the campfire and waited for Sam to get done with supper. Knowing that the elven Valkyrie was staying far away from the group intentionally for some reason, the prince of Mirkwood slowly approached her and acted as though he had come to simply fetch some drinking water by the nearby stream.  
  
Dipping a pail into the cool water, Legolas casually asked, "And how are you this lovely evening, Lady Vallawen? Would you like something to eat?"  
  
Her back still turned to him, the blonde woman replied, "I need not eat nor drink," and she nuzzled her horse lovingly – Legolas might as well been a fly watching her as she paid him no heed.  
  
Legolas tried again. "Surely you would like to come over to the fire and warm yourself."  
  
"Alas, no! For I am a Valkyrie destined to feel ice and cold for all eternity," whispered Vallawen. She closed her eyes and gave a great sigh before finally turning to Legolas. "Now listen here, sir! I know you desire to know more about me but it is best if I speak not of it."  
  
"Forgive me." Legolas moved closer to her, but Gingus pinned back his ears and snarled at the elf.  
  
"Easy, Gingus. He means no harm to me. Leave us for a moment."  
  
The great horse replied, "As you wish, m'lady," before giving Legolas a final glare and trotting away briskly. As he went, Vallawen sat down on a stone and motioned for Legolas to join her. And thus began her long tragic back story that is so common with Mary Sues.  
  
"I shall tell you of my past then, dearest prince, for you alone do I trust of this Fellowship," said she. Her eyes glistened, and she continued, "As Elrond said, I was born of a Valkyrie of the north – Brunhild. She fell in love with the elf Hindir, and from this union I sprung. What Lord Elrond failed to mention is that the evil trickster god Loki was already in love with Brunhild, and he was most angry when he learned of my birth. Despite my mother's pleas, Loki killed my father and told Odin about their secret love to spite my mother, and the Great Raven despaired. My mother was his favorite Valkyrie out of the twenty one, but the law of Valhalla is that no Valkyrie can fall in love with neither elf nor mortal, and if they do death will be the punishment. But Odin couldn't bear to kill my mother – instead he sent her soul into oblivion and her body turned to ice.  
  
Now I was but a few days old when this happened, and Odin had mercy on me; he sent his ravens to fetch me to Valhalla, intending to send me into oblivion as well, but I am told that his heart softened when he saw me crying and staring at my mother's frozen body. So he allowed me to take her place among the Valkyries. Gandalf has been something of a foster father to me however, and I am always glad to assist him in any endeavor he might undertake."  
  
The heart of Legolas melted as he listened to her tale, and he cried, "Surely this must be the saddest thing I've ever heard! But it does not explain why you are so cold, m'lady." His hand clasped hers, and so enamored was he that the chill from her skin touched him not.  
  
A single tear fell from the elven Valkyrie's cheek but it turned to ice before it could fall off of her cheek. "After my mother's death Odin learned of Loki's jealousy and sought to punish him, but the trickster escaped for a time. Odin knew Loki would try to kill me if he knew I was still alive so I was hidden among the other Valkyries. But one thing betrayed me to Loki: my pointed ears. And he recognized me and trapped me in his evil daughter Hel's realm, intending to kill me. Of course I was rescued by my stepmother Freyja, but not before Loki cursed me to feel eternal coldness in body. And thus I always feel as though I am in the coldest of winters even when the sun shines bright in the summer." And that was the end of her traditional pity-me-I'm-a-tragic-and-beautiful-Sue story.  
  
Blue eyes-that-should-be-gray filling with tears, Legolas put an arm around her shoulder. "Oh, my lady," was all he could say.  
  
Vallawen shivered and looked at the elf next to her. He is so handsome, she thought. What a fair face he has! That wonderfully straight nose, those eyes like the deep blue sea, and his delicate cheek bones . . . Then she realized the prince was speaking to her and gasped, "Oh, pardon me! What were you saying?"  
  
"I asked if Loki could kill you again," said a concerned Legolas softly.  
  
Instead of answering, her eyes looked pained, and she said, "Don't worry about that. The grace of Odin and Freyja will protect me." Silently she added, "I hope." Realizing his arms were around her, she pushed them away and said, "You don't have to endure my body's chill just to comfort me, Legolas of Mirkwood. I am beyond comfort."  
  
"No – I want to try." Legolas didn't remove his arms but hugged even more tightly. "You don't have to go through this alone."  
  
"I have been alone for ages, lord. You cannot comfort me now."  
  
"Let me try."  
  
"No! I can't –" But her lips suddenly met his in a moment of the purest love the earth has ever known. Her large red lips clung to his, and he lifted one hand to the back of her head, pulling her ever closer. She made no resistance. Repeatedly they kissed until Vallawen suddenly pulled away crying, "Oh Odin, forgive me!"  
  
Legolas was thrown away from her with a thrust as she leapt backward, and he sat in bewilderment, wondering what had come over him. Sure he had had his pick of female elves before but none of them felt right for him; his father was always trying to set him up with one princess or another so there would be an heir to the throne of beautiful Mirkwood – and as the reader doubtlessly knows, Mirkwood was the most lovely place in Middle Earth with a great palace on a hill, and it wasn't dark, haunted by evil, nor overrun with giant spiders at all – when the elderly elf died, for apparently Thranduil never took into account the fact that he was immortal and was obsessed with finding a wife for Legolas before he died of old age. The point is that Legolas was falling in love with this mysterious elven Valkyrie as she was his one and only true love. Got it?  
  
Weeping her icy tears, Vallawen gave Legolas a hurt look. "I'm sorry, Legolas! But I can't, we can't! Have you not listened to the tale of my poor mother? The same goes for me, and I fear Odin won't be so gracious as to send my soul into oblivion as he did with her. Mostly likely he will execute me and send my soul back to Hel's realm where Loki can torture me endlessly, all because I made the same mistake my mother did. Any romance with an elf is out!" And she ran away, yelling for Gingus and leaving a stunned prince behind.


	3. Gingus the Magical Horse

Disclaimer: I don't own any places, characters, or the plot that comes from _The Lord of the Rings_ or any other of Tolkien's works, nor do I own any characters from Norse mythology.  
  
Thank you to all who reviewed – you are all hilarious, and the reviews make me smile every time I read them. I am glad to know some of the other people on who abhor Mary Sues and enjoy Gimli and Boromir.  
  
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It had been three days since the nightly encounter between the Valkyrie and the Elf. Neither had spoken to each other. Instead, Vallawen would glance at Legolas sorrowfully; in reply Legolas would glare at her. He was quite upset as he had no idea what he had done to make her reject his loving advances, and his mind told him to forget this elven Valkyrie while his heart cried out for another perfect kiss from her lips. For her part Vallawen distanced herself from the entire group and continued with her silent ways at night.  
  
"Why won't you tell us what she told you about herself, Legolas?" Aragorn whispered to the elf as they walked along a steep rocky path. Caradhras was in the distance, and the terrain became rougher and rougher each day.  
  
"All I can say is that she is a heartless witch," snarled a snobby Legolas. Not that his words were entirely truthful – he just had to pretend to not like Vallawen so that he would love her even more later on. Yeah, that was it.  
  
"What did she say to make you call her such a thing?"  
  
It was then Legolas grew angry with his friend for no reason. "What didn't she do to me?" he bellowed, causing a startled Aragorn to stop in his tracks. "You wouldn't know; you have Arwen who follows you around like a lapdog and loves you no matter what! She will even give up her immortality for you! How I envy you, Aragorn! You don't know the cruel sting of rejection from the woman you love! Oh! Oops, uh . . ." Legolas realized his blunder and clammed up.  
  
Understanding immediately, Aragorn asked quietly, "You love her, don't you? And you've spoken to her only once?" Skeptically he waited for Legolas to reply.  
  
"Don't you believe in true love, Aragorn? I do - I could feel a connection in our souls!" pouted Legolas in a quite un-Elvish way. In fact, he was acting positively "elfish."  
  
Having fallen in love with Arwen at first sight much as Beren had upon viewing Lúthien Tinúviel, the future king had no answer. "I don't know what I think about that, Legolas," he said at last. "But I do know that you have been in love with a number of strange women before: that thirteen year old child who fell out of what she called 'modern earth,' a self-proclaimed 'Goth' girl from the same place, those five elven princesses from nonexistent kingdoms who you had to rescue from either their evil stepfathers or some villain they were engaged to - even though elves don't have arranged marriages, the various warrior princesses from various places in Middle Earth who ended up dying dramatically in your arms, and the six neglected younger daughters of Elrond who really never existed, plus numerous others," he finished breathlessly. "My friend, you have a lot to learn about love."  
  
"I don't need your advice, Aragorn!" haughtily replied the prince, "and not one of those other girls was really my true love. This mysterious Valkyrie is different – she is the one! But I am very upset with her right now because she rejected my advances and must pretend not to be in love with her for a while, all right?"  
  
Aragorn sighed and moved past Legolas to travel beside Gandalf and Gimli. He should have expected this to happen again; Legolas was acting like a love struck teenager instead of a noble immortal elf that had lived for decades. But the ranger trusted Gandalf when it came to the elven Valkyrie - after all Gandalf was her foster father. Little did Aragorn know that he himself was becoming less canonical every hour he spent in the girl's presence.  
  
Ahead of the group Gingus galloped nobly along, his rider's glorious blonde hair flying along her back in a single braid. Her bikini-like armor glistened in the sun like a thousand rhinestones along with her horned Valkyrie helmet, but as beautiful a sight as she was her face was set in a stony frown that would have made even the hardest heart weep. And as if this description wasn't clichéd enough already, the elven Valkyrie's perfectly shaped eyebrows helped highlight the look of despair in her eyes.  
  
"Oh, Gingus," she whispered to her horse. "Why is he acting so cold towards me?" Obviously she was talking about Orl – I mean, Legolas.  
  
Gingus made no effort to hide his displeasure. "You are too good for him, m'lady. It is best if you forget him anyway. I don't want to watch you die like your mother on his account." The magnificent beast's silver hooves shone in the sunlight almost as brightly as his master's golden hair as they loped along, and he continued, "M'lady Vallwen, don't despair! Valkyries are destined to be alone forever. Well not according to Wagner, but that's not the point. I will always be with you, and Odin and Freyja will as well."  
  
"Who's Wagner?"  
  
"He's an opera composer and famous –"  
  
"What's 'composer?'" asked an extremely dense Vallawen. Her question sounded like that a five year old child might ask, and if the reader had any remaining doubts about her intelligence level he should now know that this particular Mary Sue is about as dumb as they come.  
  
"A composer is a person who writes music, lady. I thought everyone knew that."  
  
"But how can a person write music when music comes out of instruments?"  
  
Knowing it was useless to explain such things to a Sue with about as much intelligence as the brainless minds of most Legolas fan girls, Gingus just snorted, "Oh, forget it."  
  
Vallawen returned to the original discussion. "But I felt . . ." She trailed off, trying to extract as much sympathy as she could out of her horse.  
  
"Felt what, m'lady?"  
  
Ashamed, Vallawen sighed. "As much as I hate to admit it," said she, "when his lips touched mine I felt the slightest spark of warmth soar through my body. Gingus, I've never felt warmth before!"  
  
"I am not surprised - Loki fixed it so you are practically made of ice."  
  
"If Legolas makes me feel warmth, then he must be –"  
  
Gingus interrupted, "Must be your true love?"  
  
"How did you know, dear Gingus?" the shocked Elven Valkyrie asked.  
  
Rolling his great eyes like a human, the horse replied sarcastically under his breath, "Who couldn't see it coming a mile away?"  
  
Vallawen questioned, "Are you bitter about my love?" She had noticed the peeved tone in his voice.  
  
"Yes, I am bitter," the steed replied as he suddenly halted and turned his large head around to face his rider. "I watched your mother fade from her love of Hindir, Vallawen, and I refuse to see you go through the same thing! The gods bade me watch over you and keep you on the straight and narrow path away from the love of elves!" His unnaturally-colored purple eyes bore into her accusingly. "Yet you seem to invite pain and doom upon yourself!"  
  
"Oh! Never would I do such a thing!" cried Vallawen. "What shall I ever do to save myself from such a fate?"  
  
"I have an inspired idea – Odin decreed death to all Valkyries who fall in love with a man or an elf but nothing is spoken about dwarves. If you must fall in love, why don't you go for the dwarf instead?" asked Gingus, already knowing what her answer would be; the reader doubtlessly knows too.  
  
"The dwarf? Well, he is – I mean he's nice and all but I could never . . ." Vallawen sputtered and then fell silent.  
  
"Oh, that's right! Gimli isn't handsome like Legolas," Gingus sniffed, voicing the thoughts of all readers who hate Mary Sues.  
  
The elven Valkyrie frowned. "You listen here, horse!" she said, emphasizing the word 'horse' and breaking into the speech of a modern teenager without warning as she tended to do when angry. "What do you know about love? It isn't about looks but emotions! And Legolas has an emotional attachment to me just as I do to him. So just keep your damn mouth, okay?"  
  
Stifling the urge to throw her from his back, Gingus fell silent and walked on. Never would she hear him speak of this, but the magical horse hated her. He hated being forced to wait on her hand and foot and wanted to scold her every time she did or said something foolish. He hated how perfect she was. He hated her cocky attitude and stupidity. But most of all he hated how ridiculous his own coloration was – he knew that he was only unnaturally colored just to make his rider look special and all the more wonderful. In fact the poor beast would have given all four of his pure gold hooves just to have two hours as a normal mortal horse.  
  
Vallawen felt a surge of remorse flow through her body and returned to using her noble speech. "Oh Gingus, horse of Freyja! Forgive me! I grew angry for no reason and repent. Please forgive me!" she begged.  
  
"You are forgiven." But the horse didn't sound thrilled to be saying so.  
  
The woman was too ignorant to notice how hurt her magical talking horse sounded. "Thank you!" she said brightly. "And you have given me an idea – I shall confront Legolas tonight and tell him my true feelings again!" And with a burst of dramatic-yet-sweet music, Vallawen turned Gingus around and rode towards the others, her heart and her head filled with the love of one elf: Legolas.


	4. The True Color of Evil is Icy Blue

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything Tolkien created or anything to do with the mythology that the people of the north created years and years ago. I only own the dumb characters.  
  
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Boromir's voice rang out among the series of clangs and clashes filling the air. "Good! Very good!"  
  
Around the pipe in his mouth, Aragorn commented, "Move your feet."  
  
"You blocked both of them!" Merry excitedly congratulated his cousin.  
  
Pippin grinned proudly. "Thanks!"  
  
"Faster!" Boromir squared off with Merry.  
  
Vallawen watched enviously as Boromir taught Merry and Pippin several basic sword fighting stances while Aragorn sat nearby and smoked. She wished for the millionth time that day she wasn't so estranged from the other members of the company, but she was too beautiful and wise to go out and play around with a bunch of males without causing some rivalries between them. So instead she unbound her hair and combed it gently, watching as it gathered in wavy strands around her fair shoulders.

I must tell Legolas my feelings tonight, she thought.  
  
"If anyone had asked my opinion - which I have noticed they have not - I would say we were taking the long way 'round," Gimli complained as he sat nearby. He began to converse with Gandalf about taking the path through Moria instead of crossing Caradhras.  
  
Munch, munch, munch. Gingus was busy finding tasty blades of grass and pulling them to his mouth with his lips. Bill the pony stood beside him and ate in much the same manner as Vallawen watched them with disinterest.  
  
"Uh, Lady Vallawen?"  
  
Her head turned at the sound of Frodo Baggins' voice. "What, Ring-bearer?"  
  
"Uh, w-what is the name of your horse?" Obviously Frodo was trying to be polite and make conversation with her. The kindly hobbit had noticed her alienation and finally worked up enough courage to speak to her.  
  
"Why don't you ask him yourself?" she giggled irritatingly as Sues tend to do.  
  
"I'm too embarrassed too, m'lady. I wouldn't know how to talk to a magical horse. Besides, he looks busy," he said with a nod of his head towards the grazing horses.  
  
"His name is Gingus. Gingus Kahn. The goddess Freyja gave him to my mother and now he is mine," she explained proudly. "You won't find a better horse in the entire world."  
  
The hobbit's eyes were round with curiosity. "Is he related to Nahar?"  
  
"Nahar?"  
  
"Oromë's great steed. Have you not heard of him?"  
  
With a sigh Vallawen faced him. "Little Frodo, you must learn the truth about the gods. I know Gandalf and the others have poisoned your head with stories of this Eru and his mightly Valar friends but none of it is true. You see I serve a pantheon of even greater deities than your Eru – in fact, they control him and his orders to these uh, Valar or whatever. My benefactor Odin is the leader of these gods, and therefore I am sent to you by the highest authority in the heavens. I suppose you are too young to understand."  
  
"I am fifty, lady." The indignant voice of the hobbit rang out sharply, surprising her. "Just because I am small doesn't mean I am young or foolish." He himself was surprised at how enraged he was. He wasn't about to change his beliefs about the Valar and Eru just because this strange elven Valkyrie thing told him to. Or so he thought.  
  
Vallawen laughed. "Small hardly ever means smart or capable," she said, acting about as ignorant as one can be. "After all you always need the help of some bigger being to get along. But don't worry! I'm here to help you."  
  
"Well, I don't believe in your mighty pantheon, Vallawen. Eru rules over Arda, not Odin," retorted the hobbit, annoyed with her arrogance.  
  
A stinging slap suddenly crossed the Ring bearer's face. The others looked over in surprise to see Vallawen looming over the small hobbit with a terrible look in her eyes and an outstretched hand. "Dare you blaspheme against Odin!" she yelled.  
  
"Dare _you_ strike the Ring-bearer!" Gimli roared as he raced over to them, axe drawn in attack position. "What happened here? Explain yourselves quickly!"  
  
"Nothing!" stammered a shocked Frodo. "I simply told her I didn't believe in her gods, and she slapped me!" Sam raced over and put an arm around his master, unsure what to think about the elven Valkyrie who had harmed him.  
  
Boromir's eyes were on fire. "I warned you all that she is evil! And now she herself has proven me correct." He raised his sword and advanced between the hobbits and the Valkyrie. As he did so Vallawen shed a single tear and glanced at him with hurt eyes.  
  
"I don't know why you call me evil! I am only here to help!" She proceeded to sob those stupid icy tears of hers.  
  
"To help us get killed!" snarled Boromir coldly as Gimli moved up beside him in support. The instant he said it, Man of Gondor almost regretted his how harsh statement to the girl sounded. Almost.  
  
"Hold it, Boromir," Gandalf ordered crossly. "I have known Vallawen for many years and can positively say that she means no harm to anyone. As for you Frodo, you should apologize to the girl for she is correct about everything. Odin is the supreme god of Arda, not Eru. I know this."  
  
Gimli scowled and muttered, "You know as well as I that everything this wench has said is folly! Perhaps her gods rule some foreign world but not ours!" He raised his axe towards Vallawen as she shrank back against Gandalf's cloak, suddenly as helpless as a newborn rat.  
  
"Quiet, dwarf! You and Boromir must stop opposing poor Vallawen! What has she ever done to you?" snarled Gandalf. He waved his staff menacingly at them and put an arm around the distressed Vallawen.  
  
Meanwhile Frodo had fallen to his knees in front of the lady. "Forgive me!" he cried. "I didn't know! Never again will I doubt your word about Odin and the other gods." And he wept, leaving the others in a stunned silence.  
  
"Nor shall we!" Merry, Pippin, and Sam eventually cried in unison.  
  
Legolas smiled at Vallawen, who simply turned away in pain from him. His blue-eyes-that-should-be-gray shone like the sun as they always did at the beautiful Valkyrie. "Never have I doubted your intentions. You are truly a blessing sent by the gods." He kissed her cheek, making her flush as the warmth from his kiss heated her body. He was so handsome with his little mouth, sexy voice, and all of Orli – I mean, Legolas' other wonderful qualities that make the fan girls go wild.  
  
Haltingly Aragorn took the Valkyrie by the hand but immediately dropped it once the chill from her eternally frozen body shot through him. Instead of taking it up again he gave her a huge smile, saying, "I will believe and follow Gandalf, and if he says you are sent by this great Odin to aid us on this quest then if I can protect you I will."  
  
Eyes filling with pathetic icy tears, the Valkyrie gave a gasp. "Oh, thank you noble Aragorn!" Little did she know that her 'noble Aragorn' was falling hopelessly in love with her.  
  
"And what about you two?" Gandalf inquired of Boromir and Gimli. A long silence ensued. The others looked expectantly at them.  
  
"No," Gimli finally decided with a grunt, "I promise nothing to her yet. This entire company is supposed to be supporting Frodo, not her."  
  
Boromir furrowed his brow. "And I still say she is up to no good," he muttered, but he sheathed his sword and retreated several steps.  
  
Vallawen couldn't believe her ears. Why did they hate her so? She couldn't even bear to look at them and hid her face in Gandalf's cloak, letting the coarse gray fabric block her view while Legolas put a gentle hand on her shoulder.  
  
"What is wrong with you? This poor Valkyrie-with-a-tragic-past has come to help Frodo on his quest, and all you can do is insult her!" howled a very un-canonical Gandalf. "And look!" he pointed to the sky. "Because of your arguing, a bunch of crebain from Dunland has just spotted us! We will be betrayed to Saruman! Arrggh!" He pushed his way past the Man and dwarf pointedly and cried, "Let us be off to Caradhras right away!"


	5. Legolas finds his 4347859953th True Love

Disclaimer: I own the stupid Sue Vallawen and her odd horse but nothing else.  
  
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The slopes of Caradhras were icy and treacherous. Gandalf lead the group on, followed in order by the two younger hobbits, Sam leading Bill the pony, Legolas, Vallawen on Gingus, Gimli, Boromir, Frodo, and lastly Aragorn the ranger.  
  
The Ring-bearer was suffering the most from the cold and stumbled over his own feet constantly; luckily Aragorn helped him along from behind whenever he fell. The air froze the small hobbit's breath, and his energy waned from all the trudging along and constant floundering in snow drifts. After a few hours of traveling, Frodo tripped over himself more violently than ever before and went flipping backwards down the slope. As he tumbled down, Aragorn caught him and helped him to his feet, and Frodo reached for the Ring as he had many times before to make sure it was safely around his neck. To his horror the Ring was nowhere to be found.  
  
Farther up the slope the rest of the group halted to make sure Frodo was all right. Vallawen gasped when she realized that the Ring had fallen from the Ring bearer's neck and was now in the grasp of Boromir, who stared at it as though in a trance.  
  
Aragorn saw this as well and called up to Boromir, trying to get his attention, but instead of answering the other man began to speak softly - almost to himself - saying, "It is a strange fate that we suffer so much fear and doubt for so small a thing . . . such a little thing . . ." His other hand reach out to feel the Ring.  
  
"Boromir!" Aragorn urgently called out again.  
  
His trance broken, Boromir's head snapped back and he gasped as reality struck.  
  
"Give the Ring to Frodo," Aragorn ordered in a strained voice.  
  
With a pained look, Frodo gazed at Boromir, praying he would give it back without a fight. Apparently Aragorn was thinking the same thing too, and his hand tightened around the hilt of his sword. Vallawen's hand also tightened on her own badly named sword, Friwiniel.  
  
Boromir hesitantly advanced down the slopes. "As you wish," he told Aragorn, and Frodo seized the Ring from his hand fervently. For a second Boromir gave Frodo a rather guilty look before brushing it away. "I care not," he finished and started back up the slope as Aragorn gave him a distrustful glare.  
  
Things would have been fine if Vallawen had just left it at that, but since she was a Sue she couldn't keep her big mouth shut. "You idiot!" she yelled down to Boromir. "How dare you think of keeping the Ring for yourself? For your own glory you would doom the rest of Middle Earth."  
  
Shocked, Boromir glared at her. "What? What did you say?"  
  
"You want to keep the Ring for yourself, damn you! Foolish, stupid man!" The Elven Valkyrie drew her great sword and kicked Gingus in the ribs, sending him flying down the slopes to stop inches away from where Boromir stood. Vallawen extravagantly twirled her sword around until it finally came to a stop near Boromir's neck. "I should strike you down right here and now!" Thinking she had scared him into submission, she gave a triumphant smile but she was very, very wrong. Before she could even see him reach it, Boromir's own sword knocked hers away into a snowy drift nearby and came to rest against her jugular vein.  
  
"Hey!" Legolas came rushing down to his new love's rescue and aimed an arrow at Boromir. "You will die before you leave a scratch on her skin!" Any canonical cell still left in his body had dissipated.  
  
Gimli rolled his eyes while Boromir lowered his sword and laughed, having succeeded in merely frightening Vallawen as he intended. 

"Put that down, Legolas. I would never hurt a lady." To Vallawen he said, "I swore to protect Frodo as long as I travel with him and will not go back on my word." Even as he spoke, Boromir wondered if his last statement would hold true. The entrancing lure of the Ring he had just experienced was almost more than he could control - almost. It wouldn't happen again, he tried to assure himself.  
  
"Yes, you would!" screamed Vallawen, her icy eyes gleaming. "You are a weak, foolish man just like Isildur! You think you can resist it now but just wait! I know what you are thinking." Legolas had picked up her sword and handed it to her, and she sheathed it with a vicious scowl.  
  
"And I suppose you can resist everything!" Wrathfully Gimli turned on Vallawen. "Why are you really here, Valkyrie-Demon? Who sent you? Sauron?" One of his huge hands curled into a fist as he spoke. "You have possessed Gandalf and the others. I should kill you!" His other hand gripped his axe, but with a wave of her hand, the girl dismissed him.  
  
"Oh yes, the silly little dwarf," she giggled. "You are worse than Frodo. And you couldn't hurt me even if you tried." Obviously Gimli was not on her list of threats but he should have been.  
  
Quick to quell the impending conflict, Gandalf put a hand on Gimli's shoulder. "We cannot quarrel amongst ourselves like this, Master Dwarf," he said. "Let us forget this entire fiasco ever took place and continue." His eyes searched those of Gimli and then Boromir pleadingly. "Please let us go now without argument and cross the peak of the mountain."  
  
Nodding to Boromir, Gimli relaxed. "Let it be so, Gandalf. We shall forget this nonsense and continue on our way. But it best not happen again," he said gruffly with a warning look at Vallawen. The girl started to protest but a beseeching look from Gandalf stopped her.  
  
The Fellowship and Vallawen continued on in silence as snow began to fall. Legolas walked beside Gingus, still pretending to be angry with his rider, but the noble maiden was still too upset to proclaim her love for him as she intended.  
  
That night they camped on the slope; Vallawen kept her distance from Gimli and Boromir as they sat around a burning fire made from the extra pieces of wood Boromir had insisted they take up the mountain with them. Legolas also glared at her even though she knew it was all an act; he was madly in love with her as she with him.  
  
Gingus Kahn the-stupidly-named-magical-horse and Bill the pony were miserable. No grass grew on that awful mountain for them to graze upon, and they huddled together, backs to the wind. Lonely, Vallawen approached them as she knew her mighty stallion would talk to her. "Sweet Gingus," she said. "You saw what happened today. Why are they so oppressive towards me? I have done nothing to them!"  
  
One pure white ear lazily flicked back at her to listen.  
  
"I am here to help, but they simply refuse any help I offer without reason or cause. Please tell me if I am missing something entirely here," cried the Sue- I mean, elven Valkyrie.  
  
Sarcastically her horse replied, "Well, maybe they don't like you because you barged into Middle Earth with a stupid tragic back story and worshipping a foreign pantheon while condemning the one Tolkien created, proclaimed yourself a part of this fellowship without being invited, and are perfect and about to steal the heart of poor old Legolas. That just might be why those two don't care for you."  
  
Stunned, Vallawen jumped back. "What is wrong with you, Gingus? The gods gave you to me as a friend and protector but you seem to oppress me about as badly as those fools Boromir and Gimli." And the icy tears filled her eyes. "I am all alone! You have forsaken me!"  
  
The horse trotted over to his mistress and nuzzled her gently. "No m'lady, you do have me for support, but there is a catch the gods never mentioned about your ownership of me. If you fall in love with an elf or mortal I am released from your service so if you want to keep me you must never fall in love. It is Odin's way of keeping you away from the path of your mother." His purple eyes filled with sorrow.  
  
Cupping her bony chin in her hand with a gasp, Vallawen sat stunned on the ground at this revelation. What a choice this is, she thought bitterly. Legolas or Gingus; love or companion. Oh, what shall I do? Even as she pondered this, Legolas walked over to her shyly.

"M'lady, I have something to tell you," he said, and his handsome blue-eyes-that-should-be-gray seemed to smile on her.  
  
"Oh, you do? Sir, after all the cruel looks you have given me the last few days you'd be lucky if I so much as smiled at you for half a second." The girl pretended to be unimpressed and turned away. Her wonderful armor gleamed like the snow, reminding Legolas of her eternal coldness.  
  
"Forgive me for being cross – I was just confused about why you so viciously turned away from my kiss the other night. Perhaps it is best if I leave you alone now." He started away but a cold hand grasped his arm desperately.  
  
"No! Stay!" Her eyes met his. "Uh – I mean, stay if you want to."  
  
He smiled. "Sure. I will stay. But only if you stop acting so cold towards me."  
  
"I only acted coldly because you were shunning me!"  
  
"I thought you wanted me to!"  
  
With a giggle, Vallawen smiled. "Well . . . I kind of did."  
  
"Score!" yelled teenage!Legolas. "I knew you'd like me if I pretended to hate you!"  
  
Instead of answering Vallawen leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Then she revealed the truth. "Your kisses send warmth through me, Prince of Mirkwood, and my love for you is as strong as the strongest bond, as wide as the widest sea, and as deep as the deepest valleys."  
  
A kiss from Legolas heated her lips and told her all she needed to know: that he loved her too. "Oh, Legolas! Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me!" she squealed. Her elf "lovah" bent down and violently lunged into her, wildly smooching as many inches of her body as he could reach.  
  
"Oh, I want you!" he moaned.  
  
"Then take me now!" she groaned.  
  
"Elves don't have casual sex!" yelled all of the Tolkien fans but to no avail: the Sue had fallen in love with teenage!Legolas, thus fulfilling her doom and causing a huge change in the plotline of _The Lord of the Rings_ as the reader shall soon see.


	6. The Real Breaking of the Fellowship

Disclaimer: See previous chapters. I own nothing but Vallawen the wench and her horse. The Ride of the Valkyries melody mentioned and the famous call Vallawen uses belong to Wagner and his musical The Ring in case you didn't know. It ain't mine.  
  
Major plot change warning! This chapter is where the plot begins to change thanks to the evilness of the Norse Sue.

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The next night a cold and weary Fellowship reached the Mines of Moria. They had all almost perished in the snows of Caradhras, but the Sue- I mean, elven Valkyrie had rescued them all from certain death by using her never- before-mentioned magical powers to keep everyone warm. Or that was what Vallawen pretended had happened – in reality her magical powers were nonexistent so Aragorn and Boromir had saved everyone by forging a path through the deep snow back down to the bottom, so she claimed that she had used her nonexistent magical powers to control the men's bodies into forging the path. Yeah, that was it. And guess what: the entire company believed her because they were all corrupted by the Sue and truly believed that Vallawen could do no wrong! Everyone in the company except our favorite dwarf and Man of Gondor, that is.

"This way!" Vallawen called to the others. "I have found the doors of Moria! Praise Odin!" A smile spread across her lips, revealing her even white teeth that gleamed like pearls.

Gingus wanted to say, "No, your noble steed found the doors," but decided against it. Instead he carried the elven Valkyrie over to the entrance of Moria and halted so she could dismount.  
  
Smiling, the mysterious beauty waved to the others. "This is definitely it!" Her wavy blonde hair, free from the braid she usually wore, danced on her shoulders. And in case the reader has forgotten what she was wearing, it will be described in even more detail for him again because her clothes are soooooo important. Her light blue boots reached up to her knees; the rims were decorated with dark blue and emerald gems. The bikini bottom armor she wore was light blue as well, decorated with designs of flowers and dragons – the dragons had ruby eyes. Her middle was bare, showing her perfectly tanned middle and delicate belly button, which was shaped like a delicious croissant. Her breast plate was wrought from the same silver as her bottom only it was decorated with designs of castles and knights – the horses the knights rode had ruby eyes. And to top off the entire gorgeous ensemble was her horned helm, much like those of the Vikings only better. It was made of the hardest mithril ever mined as well as the most beautiful, and it shone like a metallic circle on her head, making a slivery halo appear around her in the sunlight like an angel's. And that was the most disgusting paragraph the author of this parody has ever written.  
  
As the others approached the girl and her steed, Pippin whispered to Gimli, "I can't get over how strange and beautiful that horse of hers is."  
  
Gimli studied the beast again. Gwaine or whatever his ridiculous name looked just as ludicrous as always: sparkly silver hooves, purple eyes, with an unnaturally white body and silver mane. This horse was about the ugliest thing he had ever seen, actually. "I don't find him very attractive," decided Gimli. "Do you?"

Pippin just smiled and nodded, not really caring anymore about the conversation once he had gotten close to Vallawen again. He too had fallen under her spell and cared for nothing else save being close by to this mysterious and amazing girl.  
  
Legolas gracefully waltzed over to Vallawen. "You look ravishing today, m'lady." The handsome elf wanted to kiss the elven Valkyrie over and over, to warm her cold body with his love. Aragorn secretly glowered as he did so, wanting the girl for himself.  
  
"Thank you, sir." She flushed a rosy red, her skin craving his touch.  
  
As he studied the great doors, Frodo inquired, "How do we open them, Gandalf?"  
  
"Well, you speak –" began Gandalf but was interrupted by his foster daughter who said with superiority, "My sweet Frodo, the only way you can ever open these great doors created by the great thunder god Thor –"  
  
"Narvi," corrected Gimli under his breath.  
  
"– is to speak the Norse password that Odin has entrusted to me alone!"  
  
Gandalf the Grey dramatically threw himself at the girl's feet. "Oh! Truly terrible was the hour when you were not in Middle Earth, my Vallawen!" he cried out with a kiss to one of her icy hands. "We must sacrifice to Odin for bringing you here to us when the peril has passed!" Even though he was supposed to be leading Frodo to Mordor, the once wise wizard had taken the backseat to his sue- er, I mean elven Valkyrie foster daughter and allowed her to lead them on.  
  
"I shall speak the password!" triumphantly cried Vallawen once again. And she breathed a deep breath, sending all of the air she could bear into her healthy lungs to bellow out a harrowingly heroic cry: "TA-TUM-TITI-TA- RA!!" A familiar melody soared through the air as she repeated her call: "TA-TUM-TITI-TA-RA! TA-TUM-TITI-TA-RA!"  
  
And the doors of Thor opened, and there was much rejoicing – except from Gimli, Boromir, and all the Tolkien and Wagner fans who really just wanted the Sue to die as quickly as possible. And just how did she know the famous chant when she didn't know who Wagner was or about opera in a previous chapter? The world may never know.  
  
Anyway the so-called "Doors of Thor" opened wide, and the group headed inside, but suddenly Vallawen stopped and turned back around to face the foul pool of water outside Moria.

"Something evil lurks out there," she gasped, and her very words seemed to draw forth a monster – the kraken of Moria was upon them. A tentacle wrapped itself around Frodo's foot and dragged him back into the water as the Watcher prepared to devour him. Bill the pony gave a horrific scream and took off into the night while Gingus stood his ground beside the Vallawen the Sue, who took it upon herself to rescue the hobbit from the clutches of doom.  
  
"Ha! Thou shall not devour the Ring bearer, evil minion of Loki!" the elven Valkyrie cried – even though the entire notion of the Watcher being a minion of Loki was ridiculous – as she raised her great sword Finwiniel to the heavens like she always did before she did something heroic. The girl leapt forward and cut off the kraken's many arms, and this watery servant of Melkor was dead after a short battle because warrior sues are so spectacular that they can kill anything in a short period of time.

The sopping wet Frodo crawled over to his rescuer, crying, "Vallawen! You have saved my life. I am forever in your debt." Those longing blue eyes of his studied the girl lovingly, and he hugged her despite the cold radiating from her body. "Be it by my life or death, if I can serve you in any way on this journey, I will," he said, echoing movie Aragorn's line at the end of the Council of Elrond. And this is when things got childish.

A hand smacked him away from the Valkyrie as he finished. "Back off, Frodo!" snapped a very un-canonical Legolas, "she is my true love, and you cannot have her!" The elf fixed Frodo with a fierce look, his blue eyes- that-should-be-gray glistening with rage.

"She loves me the best!" a wild-eyed Ring bearer hollered like an eight year old child fighting with his ten year old brother over which one their mother loves the most. He drew Sting and menacingly waved it at the elf.

For a second it looked like Aragorn was going to calm them all down. "Now guys don't fight over the lady's affections," he began. "You see, it is pointless for she is in love with me!" He fell on his knees beside Frodo. "Vallawen, will you marry me? I know I've kept my silence, but I love you since the day I saw your perfect face. Arwen is nothing compared to you even though Tolkien says she has the same dark beauty of Lúthien and is therefore the most beautiful elf of this Age, to whom you would not possible compare if this story was canonical, but you are even more beautiful than Lúthien herself although I cannot verify it because Lúthien was dead long before my birth," a stuttering and confused yet passionate future king of Gondor cried. "But you are the most beautiful thing ever! Marry me!"

"Oh, no you don't! She's mine! That skulking wretched Arwen is yours, and doomed you are to remain at her side for she will give up her immortality for you!" gloated Legolas just before Frodo socked him in the face. All hell broke loose, and the three males beat on each other repeatedly, each crying that Vallawen loved him the most. Only a shrill cry from the girl herself calmed them down.

"AHHHHHHHH!" Vallawen screamed, and Aragorn, Legolas, and Frodo stopped their brawl and turned their attention to her.

"What is wrong, m'lady?" a concerned elf asked, expecting the woman's wrath to fall upon the three of them for fighting over her. However Legolas wasn't worried – he knew that Vallawen would choose him over those inferiors Frodo and Aragorn.

Instead of scolding the men, Vallawen randomly howled, "H-he . . . he WAS GOING TO SEXUALLY HARASS ME!" as she pointed a perfectly manicured finger at Boromir before swooning and falling to the ground. As if the reader doesn't know, many a sue author has turned poor old Boromir into a sexist pervert for no reason other than he seems to be the ideal character to oppress the ever-perfect Sue.

"BOROMIR!" yelled Aragorn. "Stay away from her!" He leapt in front of the girl and drew Andúril, ready to protect her to the death from whatever threat the other man was causing.

Boromir, who had simply been standing several feet away next to Pippin and Gandalf the entire time, glared daggers at Vallawen. "I was just standing here," he growled. "What in the name of the Valar made you think I was going to harass you?"

"I am so beautiful that you cannot help it! You always rape girls like me who come to help the Fellowship because you are evil!" a weak, white-faced Vallawen murmured as Legolas bathed her face with water from the pool to revive her. "I see it in your eyes – evil! Evil! Evil! You were about to attack me! Save me, Legolas!" As many sues do, Vallawen the great elven Valkyrie warrior had suddenly turned into a helpless damsel to be fondled over by the elf she desired.

"Oh m'lady!" Legolas screamed in a very feminine tone, and he fell weeping against her hair. "He won't touch you – I will die before he does." Yeah, he was definitely gone.

As usual, Sue-mentor!Gandalf took her side. "Vallawen's intuition never lies," he said with a look of dissatisfaction at Boromir. "She is gifted that way." The wizard then fixed his gaze on Aragorn, Legolas, and Frodo, saying, "You cannot fight over the love of my foster daughter. If one you is indeed her true love, she shall give you herself with all her heart, but now is not the time! And control yourself, Boromir!" he finished angrily. "I know Vallawen is beautiful but that doesn't mean you can sexually harass her."

"I have had just about enough of this rubbish," Boromir informed Gandalf in a disapproving tone. "Her intuition does lie because I have never had any intention of touching her, and I am getting VERY weary of her accusing me of such things."

A sob rang out - Vallawen buried her face in Legolas' shoulder as Boromir finished. The others stood around uncomfortably, and a terrible silence ensued until Merry bravely spoke up and said, "We have a mission to complete so let us forget this all happened, just like we did on Caradhras. The fate of Middle Earth rests in this quest."

Gandalf smiled. "You are right," he told Merry, "and it shall be so. Onward!"

Aragorn wasn't finished yet. "That is all well, but I just proposed to the lady and would like to known if she accepts my offer. How about it, Vallawen?" He extended his hand towards her. "You shall take Arwen's place at my side when I claim my right to the throne. Once you are my wife you just name whatever you desire, and the people of Gondor will give it to you, Queen Vallawen. " At this last statement, he noticed that Boromir looked away in disgust but Aragorn chose to ignore the other man and continued, "Please say 'yes.'"

Gasping, the elven Valkyrie shut her eyes as if she wanted to pretend he had never spoken, and Legolas moved up next to her, suddenly afraid of what she would answer. "Vallawen?" the elf asked as his blue eyes-that-should-be- gray filled with tears. "You love me, don't you? You said you loved me! Please say you love me still! I cannot go on if you marry Aragorn." He seized Sting from Frodo and held it to his own throat, tears spilling down his cheeks. "I cannot go on if you do . . ." What a melodramatic little un- canonical idiot.

"Oh Lego." Vallawen removed the sword from his hand. "You know you are my true love. Sorry, Aragorn," she said, "but my place is beside my love." And her lips met his in another unoriginal moment of the purest love Middle Earth had ever known.

Disappointed, Aragorn backed up a few steps. He would accept the rejection of his love for now, but sooner or later Vallawen daughter of Brunhild would be his wife. Even if it meant Legolas' death.

Gimli lead the group into Moria and boastfully told Legolas, "You just wait until you receive the dwarves' hospitality, Master Elf. We shall be welcomed like kings!" But Legolas' attention was focused entirely on Vallawen, and he didn't hear the dwarf's words.

Oblivious to the elf's inattentiveness, Gimli continued with a hearty laugh, "And they call it a mine! A mine!!"

It was then Boromir noticed a grisly sight on the ground in front of him: the decomposing skeletal remains of a dwarf warrior. "This is no mine," he said. "This is a tomb!"

"Gee, ya think? How long did it take for you to figure that one out, Einstein?" Vallawen sarcastically replied, once again sounding just like a modern teenager without warning. But as she prepared to fire another insult at Boromir, her brave Gingus Kahn the magical horse halted without warning. "What is wrong, sweet Gingus? Be not afraid of these corpses – we shall get through!"

The horse turned his great head to face her and replied, "Nay lady, the skeletons do not cause my hesitation. It is the creed of the gods that does so. You have fallen in love with Legolas, and since you wish to give yourself to an elf I am released from your service. No further will I go!"

"Gingus!" she screamed in disbelief. "What are you saying?"

He repeated, "Now that you have declared your true love for Legolas the elf, I am released from your service." He tossed his head defiantly. "And I can't say that I am sad to be going, m'lady - you are a braggart, a liar, and a Mary Sue."

"What's a Mary Sue?!" She received no answer.

Gimli thought this was terribly funny. "Your own steed is abandoning you!" His deep rich laugh rumbled through the passageway while he slapped his knee in an amused manner.

Boromir also grinned. "Your horse with the strange and pointless name knows the truth," he told the elven Valkyrie. Turning to the others, the Man of Gondor continued, "Do you all believe now what I have been telling you about her since the council? Her own horse has verified it."

Her icy blue eyes blazing, Vallawen sprang forward with a shout, sobbing and pointing a finger at Boromir and Gimli. "The two of you have put my lovely Gingus up to this! I hate you just as much as you hate me, you know." Legolas and Aragorn stepped up by her side, followed by the hobbits and Gandalf. She was so beautiful that none of them never even considered supporting the offending two for a millisecond.

"And now I know." All eyes turned to Boromir as he spoke, his gray eyes studying Vallawen's brainless icy blue ones. "I pity you, Valkyrie or whatever you really are," he continued in a rather sympathetic tone. "You are a sad, pathetic creature who will do anything to glorify herself at the expense of others. And it is for this reason I fear your presence on Frodo's mission. And as for your last statement, I can honestly say that Gimli and I do not hate you. You just decided that we do on your own."

"But it is true that we don't like you very much." Gimli was never the subtle type.

Unable to deny the dwarf's statement, Boromir gave a small smile. "That's true."

"And that is it! Gandalf!" cried the girl, turning to her mentor. She pointed to the Man and dwarf in front of them. "Either they leave or I do! And we all know that if I leave, Middle Earth is doomed! But I don't care. I would rather perish by Loki's hand than spend another second with them!" She pointedly began to walk away, and the others freaked out.

"If she leaves, I shall go with her for I am her true love!" squealed Legolas, flying to her side.

"Oh, Lego!" Vallawen kissed him. "I knew I could count on you!"

"And I shall go with her as well." Aragorn was still plotting how to win her love and refused to leave her alone with that stupid elf, and he moved over to the two lovers and pushed Legolas away from Vallawen. The elf snarled at him and pushed him back in retaliation, and they both started fighting again.

"We will go with you as well!" Frodo spoke for all of the hobbits, and they gathered around Vallawen protectively. Unfortunately they had been bewitched by the sue as well.

It was then Sue-mentor!Gandalf stepped up and spoke to Gimli and Boromir, saying, "Sorry boys. Looks like you're leaving then."

"What?" Boromir couldn't believe his ears. "Surely you jest!"

With a shake of his head, the once good and canonical wizard sighed. "Vallawen cannot leave us. Odin has decreed she shall save Middle Earth."

"Leaving sounds good to me! But I think Frodo is the one who is supposed to save Middle Earth," corrected Gimli crossly. "Don't you see, Gandalf? She has poisoned your mind with her talk of Odin and all of that nonsense, and Middle Earth very well shall be doomed if you continue on with her. Frodo's quest has been ill-fated since the day she arrived in Rivendell."

"Then let's without further argument, Gimli," said Boromir with no trace of bitterness or defiance in his voice. "If the savior of Middle Earth doesn't need us around any longer then we shall leave at once." Gimli threw him a shocked look, upset that he would give in without a fight. But the Man raised one eyebrow and gave a lopsided smile, and the dwarf understood immediately: they were secretly going to do something to stop this sue menace.  
  
"Very well," Gimli conceded, turning to the remaining members of the Fellowship. "The best of luck to you all – you'll need it with her around." And turning on his heel as gracefully as he could, the dwarf walked away, and it seemed to the others that Gimli had grown in stature.

Hoisting his shield to his shoulder, Boromir also gave the others a final nod of farewell and followed Gimli. After they had advanced a few yards, both suddenly became aware of the dull thud of hooves hitting the ground behind them at a fast lope – Gingus Kahn the magical horse had followed them. "Do not grudge me for serving Vallawen," the beast pleaded once he had caught up. "I would be in your debt if you allowed me to accompany you. I do not know my way around this strange land."  
  
"Of course you may come, uh, Galladen –"  
  
"Gingus Kahn. And it isn't even spelled correctly," lamented the horse.  
  
Both Boromir and Gimli burst into laughter.

"That name does not suit you," Gimli grinned. "I believe I shall call you Thrór," he decided after a few moments of consideration. "Anything is better than Gingus, I suppose. Never again shall anyone call you that name."  
  
"Why 'Thrór?'"

"It was the name of a dwarf lord of old," explained Gimli.

Thus while the rest of the broken Fellowship and Vallawen headed into Moria, Boromir, Gimli, and Thrór headed off back in the direction of Rivendell. No intention they had of returning to Lord Elrond's corrupted and useless haven however – help would not come to them from there and they knew it. Instead they began to devise a plan to prevent Vallawen from accompanying Frodo into Mordor before she unwittingly doomed Middle Earth. Little did they know that more Sues were roaming the lands . . .


	7. So It Begins

The Disclaimer: I don't own any Tolkien characters or places.

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Two days after their departure from the Fellowship, the three travelers made camp along the mountains – Thrór, being the horse of a Sue, never grew weary but Boromir and Gimli were exhausted and insisted on stopping for a while. Neither of them was in the best of moods when they finally made camp as night fell.

"Why is it that every time a girl falls into Middle Earth or randomly appears out of nowhere to 'help' the Fellowship, Gimli and I become completely un-canonical?" growled Boromir to the air.

"It's because you're 'teh 3vil'," Thrór smirked from nearby, using the common "fangirlish" term.

Giving the horse a proud glare, Boromir retorted haughtily, "I'm not evil. I'm just a normal man." He unsheathed his sword and started to clean it angrily.

"Well, Tolkien hid vital information such as that in a nice mysterious thing called the book," Thrór commented. "And I don't think the Sue authors have ever even thought of this special item." And he was correct, of course. Sue authors usually have the reading skills of a kindergartener and can't even look up correct Middle Earth facts on the Internet, so they just make up a bunch of ludicrous stuff instead, whether it is about characters, setting, or gods. But doubtless the reader knows this already.

"But it is uncalled for!"

With a yawn that showed his huge and perfectly white teeth (for a horse, anyway), Thrór shrugged. "Don't worry about it, Boromir. The Sues just think you are bad because you get corrupted by the Ring in the end."

"Well someone with good intentions has to be corrupted by the Ring! One of the main reasons I am in the story is for Tolkien to show how the reader just how powerful the Ring really is."

"Sue authors don't understand Tolkien or interesting characterization."

"Will you two knock that off?!" asked Gimli, who was getting tired of the conversation. "This is pointless." The dwarf had ambled over to a fallen log nearby and was chopping firewood angrily

"Perhaps we should kill Legolas because they all come to Middle Earth to find love with him." Boromir was only half joking. "Then our problems would be over."

Scowling, Gimli muttered, "I don't know why they all like that elf so much anyway! What is wrong with a stout dwarf like me?" And he puffed out his chest in pride.

Thrór rolled his purple eyes. "You are too small and ugly for them, I suppose."

The axe stopped chopping as Gimli turned to face Thrór. "Doesn't character count for anything?" he inquired, already knowing the answer.

"No."

With a roar, Gimli cried, "I should have known – movie!Legolas has the personality of a log, but since they all think he is 'pretty' the Sue authors act out their own fantasies through original characters such as Vallawen in fan fiction such just so they can do Legolas, and Boromir and I get mangled because of it."

A strange gleam suddenly appeared in Boromir's eyes. "I say we stop them. We've been abused for the last time! It is time for us to take our revenge and rid Middle Earth of all the Sues residing here – well, at least in this story. You know as well as I that in about an hour another Sue author will get the 'original' idea to write a fan fiction piece where her original character falls in love with Legolas, and we will both be butchered all over again. But not this time! This will be the one story where we get revenge on the Sues!"

"Yay!" yelled the Tolkien fans.

Gimli laughed, saying, "How should we do it though? It will be hard to defeat the ever-perfect Vallawen, perhaps even impossible." He frowned at this last thought.

His silver tail swishing, Thrór gave Gimli an evil smile. "Nothing is impossible," he said. "But to lighten things up and to possibly give us some ideas, I say we play a little game that I like to call 'Pick the Spot in Hell.'"

The dwarf looked skeptical. "What do you mean 'Pick the Spot in Hell'? What is this 'hell'?"

"Never mind the particulars. According to Dante, hell is a rather nasty place where very bad people are punished for their wrongdoings. You see, the punishment fits the crime for all eternity there. For example, if a person flattered others too much during his life time, he gets to wallow in his own excrement for eternity. The deeper hell gets, the worse the crimes and punishments."

"I don't understand," said Boromir as he gave Thrór a look of irritation. "I have to pick where I'd go to be punished in this hell? That doesn't sound very entertaining."

"No, fool! You pick where Vallawen would go in hell!"

The Tolkien fans who had been skeptically observing the events of this story so far were delighted by this idea as well. "We wish to join in the fun," they informed Thrór. "We know much of Dante! Let us put the Sue in the deepest point in hell – or should we say, the Mouth of Hell?"

"That's not the point. You get to make up your own circle of hell appropriate for Mary Sues like Vallawen, not necessarily place the Sues in an already existing circle," Thrór explained. "You purists stay out of this. You'll get your chance for revenge."

Fuming, the purists backed off. The horse turned back to Gimli and Boromir, happily saying, "All right! Who wants to go first?"

"I will!" Gimli laughed. "I'd turn her into an orc and then throw her into lava where she would burn forever!"

Snorting, the horse rolled his eyes. "No, no, no. Come on – play it properly."

"And how do you play it properly then, Master Thrór?"

"I'll go first then to show you, Master Gimli." Shutting his eyes, the horse stood in deep meditation for a moment. Then in a burst of glee, his eyes snapped back open and he smiled. "You must think of a logical reason for why you'd put her in your made-up place in hell. You see, since Vallawen seems to know nothing of your Arda, I'd condemn her to eternal damnation in a classroom. She and the other Sues like her would have to read all of Tolkien's works over and over again until they get it right . . . then just as they achieve perfection of canon knowledge, their ignorance would come back, making them forget all they learned – and the process would start all over again! You see?"

Boromir thought a moment and then cried, "I've got it! Vallawen would be turned into a hideous, deformed monster – because she was so perfect in life – but she wouldn't realize it. She would still find herself to be the wonderful, amazing person she had been in life only the object of her lust - Legolas in this case - would find her terrible to look upon and reject her for all eternity because she got him so easily while alive."

"Hmm . . . like a stupid version of Frankenstein's monster," mused Thrór. "You got one, Gimli?"

With a sneaky gleam in his eyes, Gimli answered, "I do indeed. Vallawen would be turned into a fish and be forced to eat barnacles off of the hulls of ships for all eternity!"

"But why?"

"Only because the thought amuses me, hehehe! Don't glare at me like that, Thrór! It was a joke!" laughed the dwarf. "Here is the real one: Vallawen would be forced to spend eternity in a sad, dreary world where nothing goes according to plan. If she walks forwards, then she really goes backwards. When she tries to eat, she throws up, and so on. I choose this punishment because Vallawen has taken so much bizarre control over Middle Earth that she deserves to be in a world that she cannot manage."

"Interesting," said Boromir.

"Not bad," commented Thrór.

Then a long silence ensued. No one seemed to know what to say. Thinking about Vallawen and how perfect she was had cast darkness upon them all.

"But now what do we do?" asked Gimli finally. "We can't stop Vallawen by ourselves – she'll just sic our no longer canonical or friendly friends on us."

"I say we head for Minas Tirith where we can consult my father. He'll know what to do Boromir told the other two with an amused smile. "He is very wise man, no matter how irrational he looks in the movies."

Deciding that going to Denethor for advice was as good as anything, Gimli shrugged. "I will go along," he said, "but I'm getting some shut-eye right now." The dwarf pulled a blanket out of his pack and threw it on the ground.

"I'm going to find some hausselfeid," Thrór informed them.

"What in the name of the Valar is 'hausselfeid?'" asked Boromir. That was the stupidest word he had ever heard.

"Hausselfeid is a stupid make-believe plant with a Norse sounding name that the author made up to sound smart," explained the horse with a sneaky smile. "You wouldn't believe some of the make believe crap these Sues bring with them into Middle Earth. Vallawen brought hausselfeild and other Norse things, real things from Norse mythology and not-so real things like this plant for example. I'll come back tomorrow but if you need me right away for some emergency before then, just call and I will hear." And using his incredible speed, the strangely colored horse galloped away far from the mountain's base to search for suitable pasture.

"Thrór can be a bit annoying," decided Gimli as he laid his axe on the ground and bedded down for the night.

A shrugging Boromir replied, "At least he's friendly."

"Good point. Remember the Chinese dragon that the Sue from the imaginary kingdom of Lockwood rode?"

"Of course I do. One doesn't easily forget a creature that follows him around everywhere, even when he is trying to relieve himself," scowled the son of Denethor. "The centaur was the worst though. Remember him? How that evil Sue who fell into Middle Earth could ride that beast is beyond me."

"Why do they bring such creatures into Middle Earth? We have too many bad ones to deal with already. Wargs, dragons, orcs, Legolas . . ." finished the dwarf with a grin.

"I know not. They just don't know any better, I suppose."

Suddenly, as if things weren't stupid enough in this story, a terrible ball of light appeared right in front of them, forcing Gimli and Boromir to shield their eyes as beams, the likes of which had never been seen on Middle Earth for at least two Ages, radiated from the golden center. But upon closer inspection, the golden center reviled the delicate form of a woman that seemed to emerge from the very light.

Shaking with rage, Gimli cried, "It's a Sue!" His axe raised, he stood his ground.

Boromir groaned and put a hand to his head. "Not another one!"

It was then that the voice soared out from the center of the light, saying, "Do not fear! I come as aid!"

"I don't care who you are! You nearly blinded us with your 'spectacular' entrance! Dull those lights before you say anything else!" threatened Gimli.

The lights vanished, leaving the woman out in the open. Actually she was no woman – she was an elf. But not just any old elf – no, this one was the most beautiful of them all. Yes, the most beautiful, meaning that none of you Sue authors can make your Sue the most gorgeous creature to ever walk on Middle Earth because Tolkien gave Lúthien Tinúviel that honor. Now back to the story.

"Is that better, Gimli?" the lady asked sourly, for she had rather liked the lights.

Gimli stared at her. "How did you know my name?"

Instead of answering, she simply gave the Man and the dwarf a skeptical look. When she finally spoke, her voice was ideal but her tone was less than thrilled.

"I am Lúthien Tinúviel. The Great Ilúvatar sends me to aid you in your mission to kill off the Sues of this story, for I am rather like a Sue myself, but unlike them I am one hundred percent canonical. Yet I would rather not be here, for I had my fill of Middle Earth all those years ago, and Mandos wouldn't let Beren come with me," she finished with a frown.

"Don't be angry with us!" said Boromir. "We didn't choose to be the two characters that the Sue writers don't understand."

Softening a little, Lúthien sighed. "I do not mean to be cross. I will do all I can to help you destroy these Sues, but we must be off to Minas Tirith immediately, if that is where you wish to go," she said. "Call back your magical horse friend so we can be on our way."

"First I have a question to ask, Lúthien Tinúviel," Gimli said. "Forgive me if I am prying but why are you so irritated? I would have never expected you to be so . . . difficult!"

With a laugh, the elf princess explained. "No one is perfect. Not even me. And if I had my way right now I'd be with Beren instead of back in this dirty place called Middle-earth; sometimes one must take duties upon herself that she doesn't particularly want to do but she accepts them, just not always with a song in her heart. Now come on!"

"THRÓR!!" yelled Boromir as loudly as he could, hoping that the stupid horse would hear. The echo bounced off the base of the mountains, and in seconds the ridiculously colored magical horse with purple eyes came running down the path as lightly as the wind.

"What? What'd I miss? I was only gone for like two seconds! I didn't get to eat any hausselfeid! This had better be good!" Thrór practically screeched. If there was one thing that he couldn't stand it was being interrupted when he was engaged in foraging activities.

"Sorry Thrór, but we must leave."

"WHY?"

Lúthien stepped forward. "We must leave right now so we'll have plenty of time to make a plan before Vallawen and the others reach Gondor. I'm Lúthien by the way, and I was sent by Ilúvatar to aid you boys."

"Hmm . . . so I take it that this Ilúvatar does actually exist?" Thrór said almost sardonically, and he sniffed Lúthien's clothes and arms.

Haughtily the elf placed her hands on her hips and answered, "He does. If my presence is not proof of his existence then I don't know what is." But she didn't stop the horse from smelling her.

"All right, get on my back," Thrór started to offer her his services as a mount, but she just gave him a gently stroke on the neck, saying, "Let Boromir and Gimli ride you. I've brought my own ride." And she whistled and cried, "Huan!!"

The huge wolfhound appeared from around a rock where he had apparently been hiding and trotted over to Lúthien, happy to see her again. Knowing that his mistress needed him once more, Huan crouched down and allowed her to climb onto his back.

Meanwhile Boromir had been studying Vallawen's riding gear which Thrór had carried since they left Moria. Her saddle was made of pure silver as would be expected, and a pad of the whitest fleece was the only thing that separated the heavy metal from Thrór's back. Not that the horse cared – being a magical he could carry almost anything without feeling burdened. His bridle and reins were also pure silver and decorated with intricate designs. Never before had such tack been wrought in Middle Earth. Not even Fëanor himself could have –

"Well, that's got to go!" Before the author could finish telling the reader about just how special and glorious the Sue's riding tack was, Boromir had loosened the cinch and carelessly thrown Vallawen's fantastic saddle on the ground, and after a few tries he had swung himself up onto the horse's bare back.

Glowering, Gimli asked, "Are you skilled at bareback riding, Boromir?"

"Not particularly, but –"

"But nothing! I will not ride bareback!"

"Gimli, get on!" Boromir lifted the unsuspecting dwarf onto Thrór's back before mounting himself. "We don't have time for this!"

Grumbling and angry at the Man for making him mount, Glóin's son started to intentionally slide off the horse before changing his mind. "I do not like this one bit. You'd better not fall off," he informed Boromir uncomfortably. "And if you do, try not to land on me too hard."

"Will you two hurry up?" Lúthien asked with an impatient air. Once the others were on the horse, she and Huan started off at a quick pace.

Taking hold of the reins, Boromir signaled for Thrór to follow them, but the horse had his head down and was foraging once again. He delicately nibbled at a thin blade of grass, oblivious to what was going on.

"Thrór!"

"Why are you putting so much pressure on my sides?" The horse's head swung up, and he swished his purple tail in irritation.

Scowling as though he had expected as much, the Warden of the White Tower explained, "You are supposed to go when I put pressure on your sides. All horses do this. How did Vallawen signal for you to go?"

Thrór thought a moment. "I don't know . . . I just always knew when she wanted to go." Seeing Huan and Lúthien waiting several meters away, the horse started after them, his gait smoother than that of a mearas. But he was not happy. Far from it. "I am sorry I do not know how to respond to a normal rider," he lamented to Boromir and Gimli as he loped along. "Oh, what I would give to be a real horse!"

Gimli rolled his eyes. "You are a real horse – well, perhaps not quite, but I'm sure you can learn how to be one," he finished, trying to comfort the animal.

A glimmer of hope spread through Thrór's eyes, even though the riders could not see it. "You think I can?"

"Yes I do," said Gimli impatiently. "But you'd better learn how to obey leg commands if you want to become one. Let us go right away!"

Thus they started off, traveling at a phenomenal speed as the wolfhound and former Sue-horse were swifter than normal animals. In an incredible three days they reached the Gap of Rohan without incident and headed off into the West Emnet. It was around this time that odd things began to occur . . .


	8. Crap! It's Greek Sue! Oh, and Figwit too

Disclaimer: I own the new Sue and the horse. Tolkien owns everyone else. And Greek Sue's Elven companion belongs to New Line Cinema (you'll see).  
  
Thank you for the reviews – I love to know that the story is being read. I also get new ideas from them . . .  
And a big "howl" to WargishBoromirFan for being my beta! You are greatly appreciated!

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It took a mere two days for Huan and Thrór to carry their riders across the plains of the Westfold for they were much faster than any normal animals. On the morning of the third day they stopped for a while to eat the small amount of food that they still had, glad to be going to Edoras for fresh supplies, and it was here that they met trouble once again.  
  
"Hey Lúthien? How do you want your eggs?" asked Thrór the magical horse who was cooking – yes, cooking – over the fire in a skillet. He was truly a bizarre sight to behold, but cooking was one of his special skills. Special skills for a special horse who was once owned by a special Sue – I mean, elven valkyrie.  
  
Lúthien stared at him. "My eggs?"  
  
"No, your roasted hobbit – YES, YOUR EGGS!"  
  
"Where did we get eggs from?"  
  
"I have a few magical powers myself," said Thrór as if that explained everything. He took a spoon in his mouth and starting poking at the eggs with dissatisfaction.  
  
Sharing an amused look with Gimli, Lúthien had to ask. "Thrór, why are you cooking? You are a horse. You eat grass."  
  
"I like to cook. It is my hobby."  
  
"That makes no sense."  
  
"Not much in this story does!"  
  
"Touché," the elf lady snorted.  
  
Then without warning, a strange male elf came stumbling out of nowhere; well, he seemed to appear out of nowhere but had really been sleeping behind a nearby rock. "Uhh . . . but I can't go to school today, Mom, I'm siiiiick. That breakfast smells pretty good though."  
  
The others jumped to their feet. "Who in Mahal's name are you?" yelled Gimli in surprise.  
  
Ignoring him, the elf stalked sleepily over to Thrór. "Hey dude, you gonna share some of them eggs or what?"  
  
Then yet another voice came sailing through the air, one much lovelier than that of the elf – it sounded like chimes blowing in the gentle breeze of a warm summer's day. "Oh, Figwit! Where did you go?" And the figure of a girl appeared from behind the rock.  
  
This girl was truly a sight to behold. She was at least sixteen years of age and had the fairest face any fan girl could dream up. Dark red hair would have cascaded down her perfectly shaped back, but it was fixed in a single braid behind her. Her green eyes sparkled like a jade stone, but if one looked closely enough he could see small orange flecks mixed in with the green. Her full red lips seemed to smile on anyone in the vicinity, and her skin was the perfect cross between white and tan. She wore a leather get-up that would have put any Amazon right out of "Xena: Warrior Princess" to shame; it was brown and like a bikini, only it wasn't a bikini because it was made with soft leather and decorated with beads. But then, it looked a lot like a bikini. And then it didn't.

Anyway, the girl had this leather top on which bared just the right amount of cleavage, and below her exposed belly was a tight mini-skirt that was easy for her to climb trees and fight in. Her body had curves in all the right places too, even her feet. In short, this woman was perfect.  
  
Her male companion was Figwit. Enough said. In case the reader needs to be informed about Figwit, this explanation will be offered of him: he is an elf who never speaks and is located in the background of the movie Council of Elrond. Some fan girl thought this silent elf was omg sooo hawt so she christened him "Figwit." Figwit is an acronym for "Frodo Is Great . . . Who Is That?!" One can easily look him up on the Internet for more on the background of his name and what he looks like. Oh yeah, and he actually got speaking lines in Jackson's version of "The Return of the King" because he was omg soooo popular with the fans. (He is the long-haired elf who basically tells Arwen to keep moving right after she stops and sees her vision, in case you were wondering.) Now back to the story.  
  
"I'm jus' getting some grub," Figwit replied sleepily.  
  
The gorgeous girl walked over to him. "Oh, all right then. Good idea – we haven't got any more food."  
  
"And just who are the two of you?" asked Boromir with uncertainty as he and Gimli readied their weapons. After all, who would be walking around the Westfold without provisions? Someone stupid no doubt.  
  
Taking notice of the others for the first time, the girl crossly retreated. "Why, I am Athena Firestone, single nymph daughter of the great god Zeus! He has sent me to Middle Earth to help Frodo destroy the One Ring that his evil brother Hades forged years ago. Oh, and to find my true love, Legolas Greenleaf! I have been destined to marry him since I was born." Of course this made about as much sense as Vallawen's story; not only does Zeus have more children than the world will probably ever hear about, but Hades is not an evil god as many of you know. True, he isn't the most likeable of the Greek gods, but just because he rules over the dead doesn't make him evil. But none of this matters in the world of the Sue.  
  
"And who are you?" Lúthien curiously asked the male elf.  
  
"I am Figwit, elf of Rivendell!" He exclaimed proudly, his brown eyes shining. "I have known Athena since she was a child and I am, like, totally her best friend. Never shall I leave her side, dude!"  
  
At a loss, Lúthien said, "That's very interesting." Turning to the others, her fair face took on a rather disgusted look as she mouthed the word 'Figwit' with obvious confusion and annoyance.  
  
"I know! It's 'Rivendellish!'"  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"'Rivendellish!!'"  
  
"I see." But she did not see. Neither did anyone else for that matter.  
  
"And who are you?" Athena asked Lúthien. The Sue- I mean, warrior nymph eyed the elf princess with an air of superiority as she tried to mask the fact that she was insanely jealous of the beauty before her. In her mind, Athena thought, 'I am soooo much prettier than her!' even though she knew it wasn't true, and this didn't sit well with her. She was supposed to be the most gorgeous thing on Middle Earth, not this strange elf!  
  
Lúthien irately answered, "I am called Tinúviel.  
  
"Tinwhoviel??"  
  
"Tinúviel."  
  
"Oh," sniffed Athena. "I thought you might have been someone important there for a minute!" And from that moment on the foolish girl held herself in much higher esteem than Lúthien, for she knew not who this elf really was.  
  
"Hi Tinúviel! What'z up?" asked Figwit with obviously modern lingo.  
  
Suddenly Athena had a revelation (Surprised? Yeah, I am too). "Hey! The two of you are part of the Fellowship!" she cried as she looked Boromir and Gimli over. "We've found them at last!" she informed Figwit. "Where is Orl- I mean, Legolas? I must speak with him at once!"  
  
Exchanging annoyed glances, Gimli and Boromir glared at her. Now it was more than obvious that she was another Sue, and they weren't going to trust her. "Legolas is not here," Boromir said with a frown as he slowly reached down and gripped his sword. "We parted paths with his company at the Mines of Moria."  
  
"Mines of Moria? I know what that is! The big cave troll that Legolas kills is there. But where are the Mines? Figwit and I have been wandering all over the lands trying to find the Fellowship of the Ring. Zeus has ordered that we join them." The girl looked smugly at Lúthien, who just stared back indifferently.  
  
"You have been wandering all over Middle Earth hoping to _stumble_ onto the Fellowship of the Ring?" Gimli asked as he tried to stifle a laugh.  
  
"Yeah, so?  
  
"You realize that you are in Rohan, miles away from Moria?"  
  
"Rohan? The place with the horses? Oh, no!" Athena cried as though experiencing the deepest of despairs. "We aren't supposed to get here until after the group splits and that creepy guy over there is dead!" With her last statement she motioned towards Boromir who backed away cautiously. "Oh, Figwit! We have become lost again! And you said we were going the right way!"  
  
Lazily Figwit replied, "How should I know? I don't live here."  
  
"Yes you do, Figwit! You DO live here!!"  
  
"I – oh, uhh . . . I do?'  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"Oops. Guess I shoulda paid more attention in geography class, huh?"  
  
"We've got to find Legolas! We've just got to or else I am doomed! Hades shall find me, and my fate will be worse than death!" Athena swooned as Figwit caught her dramatically in his arms. Her fair face gone pale, the girl looked so hopeless and pitiful during that single second of despair that in theory all who laid eyes upon her would have been moved to pity.  
  
With a sob, Figwit held and her yelled, "Oh no! I have failed you, Athena!"  
  
At the sound of his voice, Athena opened one eye and pushed him away from her ill-temperedly. "Get away from me, Figwit!" she cried. "I hate you!"  
  
"NOOooo!" Figwit couldn't bear the thought of Athena hating him and fell onto the ground. The reader needs to know that Figwit was madly in love with Athena – he had known her from childbirth and was her best friend, but now he wanted to be something more. The object of his affection on the other hand was infatuated with this Legolas Greenleaf, the elf that Zeus himself had decreed his little Athena was to marry, and she thought of Figwit as nothing more than a friend. Sound like a high school drama? It was much worse.  
  
Seeing him so upset, the girl immediately changed her mind and came back to life from her swoon. With cheery lips parted revealing a perfect set of pearl white teeth, Athena said gently, "Oh, I can't stay mad at you for long, Figwit. Hug?"  
  
Reproachfully Figwit looked up. It was apparent that he was a bit angry with her for saying that she hated him, but he eventually gave in and smiled. And with that the two of them hugged; Athena playfully pushed Figwit onto the grass, and they rolled around, laughing loudly. The others were confused and rather irritated by the stupid display in front of them. While Figwit and Athena embraced, they whispered amongst themselves.  
  
"It is another Sue!" Gimli furiously said. "What should we do? Try and kill her?"  
  
"No," said Boromir. "Not yet, anyway. She spoke of a 'Zeus' instead of an 'Odin' like that fool Vallawen did. Is this Zeus Norse, Thrór?"  
  
Angrily the magical horse answered, "He is leader of the Greek gods. And I am completely lost now – how can the Greek gods be here if the Norse ones are too?"  
  
Gimli watched the two newcomers out of the corner of his eye as he said, "The Valar and Ilúvatar still exist even though the Norse gods are about, so why can't the Greek gods exist as well?"  
  
"It's just a big old party, isn't it? Everyone seems to have been invited to screw up Middle-earth," sighed Thrór sardonically.  
  
Giving the two newcomers an aggravated glance out of the corner of his eye, Boromir muttered, "As much as I regret to say this, we should try and get those two to come along with us. What would happen if this Athena found the Fellowship and met Vallawen? The situation would get out of hand quickly."  
  
"You are right there," Thrór butted in. "Two Sues fighting each other over Orli- I mean, Legolas is no laughing matter. For how can a perfect warrior defeat another perfect warrior? They are so stupid that they would probably fight for years, destroying Middle Earth in the process."  
  
Lúthien shut her eyes at the thought. "That whole idea is just wrong. Sues shouldn't be allowed to have such control over Middle Earth. But what must be done must be done. Someone go ask them to join us."  
  
They all looked at each other, none wanting to do this deed.  
  
"I'm not doing it," said the horse.  
  
"And I'm not neither," Lúthien scowled.  
  
"It would ride on my conscience for all eternity," said Boromir with mock seriousness.  
  
Gimli gave in. "Let me do the honors then," he laughed, "but I'm not going to forget this!" He stalked over to where Athena and Figwit were rolling on the ground. "Excuse me, but –"  
  
"Oh, Athena! Your eyes are so beautiful! My new skateboard doesn't even shine as much as your eyes except when I wash it!" Figwit was almost as good as Shakespeare when it come to romance lines, wasn't he? Note on Figwit: he uses modern lingo and knows about modern technology, in case the reader hadn't quite figured that out yet. He is just a downright stupid, pointless character. Come to think of it, he is also a stupid, pointless character in the films too.  
  
Giggling, the girl brushed a loose strand of her long red hair out of her face. Even though she had been rolling hard in the dirt her hair was still flawless. Figwit pushed her back down as she tried to get up and laughed hysterically. She grinned and pushed him back.  
  
"PARDON ME!!"  
  
That did it. Both Figwit and Athena turned to face Gimli. "What is it this time, little man?" asked the girl uncaringly.  
  
Deciding to ignore the last part of that statement, Gimli gave them a fake smile. "We are preparing to depart. You see, we got lost from the others in our fellowship on Caradhras –"  
  
"What is Caradhras?"  
  
"The mountain over Moria. We failed to cross it."  
  
Athena looked stumped for a moment. "Oh yeah!" she suddenly remembered, "That's where Leggy says he hears a fell voice on the air, and it's Sharamon or whoever!"  
  
A confused Gimli just gave her a distasteful glare before continuing, "We are going to meet up with them in a few days. Would you like to accompany us?"  
  
"We are going to meet my true love? Of course we'll come!" cried Athena without so much as a 'thank you.' "Let's go!!" And she went charging off into the deep snow ahead without waiting for the others. Thrór rolled his great eyes and stiffly walked after her, Boromir on his immediate right and Gimli a few feet to his left. Lúthien mounted Huan and followed behind them, and Figwit brought up the rear.  
  
"Thank you, Father Zeus!" Athena cried as though in prayer from ahead. "I shall meet my true love Legolas now and fulfill my destiny as Destroyer of the Ring of Hades! Now onward!"  
  
At the mention of Legolas, Figwit lowered his head sadly, and only Lúthien could hear him mutter, "I hate Legolas! He stole my true love. Dude, I thought I wuz gonna score with her today too!" :-(


	9. Because Mangling Greek Mythology is Fun

Disclaimer: I ain't nevah own nthing bt mah kewl!! charaer Athena Firestone1!1 She'a got copywrited1! on her u can't steel her!!! Ok, I'll stop that. I own the two Sues and Thrór the magical horse but nothing else. Steal them if you want.  
  
Much thanks to my beta, WargishBoromirFan! You rock!

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"Are you well, m'lady? You look pale!"  
  
"Yes, I am fine, Figwit. You know how it is." She waved him away, although she obviously relished the attention.  
  
"Oh! How could I forget?! My poor Athena!"  
  
"Do not fret on my account, lovable Figwit! After all, nothing can be done to ease my suffering." The hand gestures were really too much. Their dialogue was bad, but if any made the mistake of looking back at them – well, retching into the greenery was the least that the unfortunate soul would do. Boromir, Gimli, Lúthien, and their more intelligent (than the Sue, at any rate) animal companions were studiously ignoring them, with various levels of success.  
  
After enduring hours of such stupid conversation between the two newcomers, Thrór finally had enough. "Just tell us your stupid tragic story already!" he yelled at the Sue – I mean, warrior nymph. "You've been hinting at it for over three hours! Tell us and get it over with!"  
  
Athena's beautiful jade orbs filled with tears. "You know nothing of my sorrow, talking horse, and shouldn't be so cruel to me." Surprisingly, the warrior nymph had decided it was time to stop acting like a crazed teenager and went into full angst mode, in which she will remain for as long as it draws attention to her.  
  
Putting an arm protectively around his best friend Figwit glared at the horse and simply snapped, "Yeah! What she said!"  
  
"But if you must know, I shall tell." A single glistening drop of moisture ran down the perfectly sculpted chin as she spoke. "Many, many years ago, the planets were new and the universe had been divided up between the two supreme gods: Clytemnesta and Castor. Then one day the stars of Libra aligned with those of Gemini, and the heavens despaired for this was the sign much dreaded: the sign of the beginning of a new world. The earth was shaped, and Middle Earth was the most prominent place upon it. Mount Olympus, Hall of the Gods, was placed not far from where Rivendell is now, and it was here that the new gods were born . . ."  
  
(83 hours later)  
  
"And so Zeus took up his mighty horn and cried, 'Down to hell with ye, Hades! No Brother of mine shall attempt to o'erthrow me!" And the evil Hades was thrown down into the Underworld with the balrogs, centaurs, and the Nemean Lion," Athena finished breathlessly.  
  
A very irritated Boromir scowled at her. "Your story intrigues me, Athena Firestone – it really does – but how does it relate to you?" he inquired sarcastically.  
  
Figwit's eyes grew wide at the Man's statement, and, thinking it was the most terrible of insults to his beloved, he yelled, "You just calm yourself down there, buddy! She's getting to that part in the story! Geez! It's like the most totally fabulous story ever, you can't rush the buildup-plot-type stuff."  
  
Frowning at Boromir, the exasperated girl said, "I was just getting to that part!" Her expression changed back to one of pity and despair, and trembling with sadness she continued, "My birth occurred under the strangest of circumstances. You see, Zeus fell in love with my mother Keira, a water nymph who lived in the streams near Rivendell, and he openly declared his love for her. How the stars themselves shook that night! And out of her womb I tumbled several weeks later. My poor mother was so happy! Under the willows she would sit, rocking and singing to me for hours, but alas! Our joy together was destined to die from the beginning however.  
  
"Zeus was married to the daughter of the goddess Helle, the beautiful Ganymede, and the laws of heaven are strict – he could not marry Keira as well. Ganymede was jealous of her husband's love for this lowly water nymph, and one day she seized a great stick from the Eternal Tree of Mount Olympus and chased my mother all over Middle Earth, threatening her with it. After several weeks of running, Mother Keira grew weary. Ganymede never left her alone, and she decided it best to just give in to the goddess' fury and hid me among the reeds of the beautiful River Styx so I would be spared the fury of Ganymede. Alas for my mother! Ganymede beat her to death with the stick from the Eternal Tree of Mount Olympus just seconds after she hid me and her lovely water nymph body disappeared from Middle Earth forever.  
  
"Months later I was later found by the great Helen of Troy, a woman destined to be barren, and she decided to raise me as her own; the bards tell of how her epic beauty passed down to me even though I am not her child by birth. And for two years I lived peacefully in a little village surrounded by playmates and caring of nothing save where my toys were. How happy we were! Helen was such a good mother."  
  
By this time Figwit had latched himself onto Gimli, weeping with sorrow, and saying, "This is such a sad story! I cry like a little kid every time I hear it!" Gimli just pushed the elf away in disgust.  
  
Athena gave him a mournful smile. "But one day when I was but three years of age, Helen took me for a walk along the banks of the Ylanimiel, the great river that gives Rivendell the first part of its name, when a band of orcs attacked our village. All – even Helen's husband, Ajax – perished. Upon returning, we saw smoke billowing up on the wind as our wooden huts burned. Bodies were scattered everywhere. Seeing her husband's body laying outside of the remains of our house, my poor foster mother committed suicide. Who could blame her? But she forgot entirely about me, and I was left to endure the elements. I guess she wasn't such a good foster mother after all.  
  
"Luckily for me my father saw the miserable situation in which I had been placed and sent two golden hinds to rescue me. Their names were Scylla and Jocasta, and placing me on one of their backs, they bore me away to Rivendell at the command of Zeus. I went from foster home to foster home and never had any friends – all of the little elves laughed at me for having such red hair and green eyes. Loneliness gnawed at my heart for years – oh, except for Figwit."  
  
"SCORE!!" yelled Figwit, raising his arms in triumph.  
  
Athena smiled at him and continued, "And yet the hardest part of the tale to tell has yet to come. For the evil god Hades had skulked beneath the earth for years, and he finally had the opportunity to get revenge on my father for casting him away in the Underworld. The god of death was walking along the river one day when he saw me playing with Figwit, and, immediately recognizing my beauty as belonging to one of the gods, he knew me. A truly evil plot was devised; Hades would drag me down to the Underworld to be his wife when I came of age. Zeus refused to accept this and so he went to the Underworld and cried to Hades, 'You shall not touch my Athena-child! So great is her beauty that only the most beautiful creature in the world shall be fit to be her bride-groom, and his name is Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood.'  
  
"But Hades cunningly replied, 'And yet I shall find a way to have her as my own. I curse her to a life of hardship and sorrow, and she shall never find this elf you speak of! You just wait, Zeus! She'll be my bride yet! For I have devised a ring that shall control all other gods, and it will go into affect the day that brat of yours gives herself to this Legolas. HARHARHARHARHAR!'  
  
"And so here I am, trying to help little Frodo destroy the Ring of Hades. It is the only way I can keep my father in power and find my husband, Legolas, but I am afraid – Hades will come for me before it is all over, to thwart me from doing these things and to carry me down to the Underworld as his bride. And if it comes to that all of Middle Earth is doomed, for Hades shall rule over all the other gods."  
  
"What a bunch of crap!" yelled the Tolkien fans. And if the reader of this parody believed one word said in the several paragraphs above concerning Greek mythology, he needs a brain transplant right away, for the sue Athena Firestone just raped Classical Greek mythology as badly if not worse than Vallawen destroyed that of the Norse. Now back to the story.  
  
"That was a stupid tragic background," commented Thrór to himself, and instead of giving Athena the sympathy she desired, and Gimli turned to Boromir and wearily asked, "And how much longer is it to Edoras?"  
  
"Excuuuuse me? Weren't you listening?" Figwit yelled at the dwarf in disbelief. "At least comfort her in some way! After all she just went to the trouble to tell you her life story. Gah!"  
  
Gimli snorted and said disdainfully, "Sorry about your terrible life, Athena Firestone." The others smirked silently at this.  
  
Luckily Athena didn't understand his sarcasm. "Do not feel sorry for me, little man!" sighed the girl in a tone that plainly said, "Pity me." A strand of her wonderful red hair had worked its way loose from the long braid hanging down her back, and it made her even more charming than before, even as she struggled to brush it out of her face. "Feel sorry for Middle Earth when it falls under the black rule of Hades if I fail to destroy the Ring! That is why I must join with Legolas and Frodo immediately."  
  
"Do not fear – we shall meet them soon enough," said Thrór with a smirk.  
  
Tired of listening to Athena's rambling, Lúthien repeated Gimli's earlier question. "How much farther is it to Edoras anyway?"  
  
"It should be another four days at most–" began Boromir, but then Athena interrupted him with a jovial cry.  
  
"It's right over there!!" she called as they rounded a snowdrift. Indeed several miles across the snow-laden plains sat the miserable city of Edoras on its now icy perch.  
  
"But how?" Boromir couldn't believe it. "It cannot be!"  
  
"Oh, shut up!" Athena yelled at him. "That's it! Edoras!"  
  
Her strange Elven companion laughed. "Dude, that is one big place!"  
  
Turning to Lúthien and Gimli, Gondor's Captain-General muttered in disbelief, "Some kind of evil is at work here. We could not have reached Edoras in this time."  
  
Laughing, the ridiculously colored magical horse butted in, "But you are not in the real Middle-earth," he explained. "Things that were once miles upon miles apart might now be only a few feet away from each other now."  
  
"No!" Gimli couldn't believe what he was hearing.  
  
Shrugging, Thrór said, "It is about the cheapest thing I've ever heard of. What is so hard about keeping the original geography of Middle-earth in these stupid Sue stories?"  
  
Lúthien quickly said, "Never mind that now. Let us get to Edoras immediately, and perhaps there we shall find more information and even some allies." And Huan bore her forward through the snow with a sudden burst of speed until they had caught up to Athena.  
  
The Sue – I mean, warrior nymph glared at the elf princess and the wolfhound, her jealousy flaring up once again. "Tell me, Tinwhoviel," she said carelessly, "Where is it that you are from? I do not recall you being part of the Fellowship of the Ring. There was another elf that looked strikingly similar to you in Rivendell though – Arwen her name was. Are you related?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Are you from Rivendell then?"  
  
Sighing, Lúthien wondered how much she should tell this Sue – I mean, warrior nymph. "I am from Doriath," she explained. "My father was Thingol."  
  
"Oh." Athena didn't know what the elf was talking about, nor did she care. "That's interesting. As you know I am from Mount Olympus – the great mountain near Rivendell where the gods dwell," she bragged.  
  
"Yes, you said that was so even though we all know that there is no Mount Olympus in Middle Earth."  
  
"And I am betrothed to the most beautiful male elf in the world – Legolas of Mirkwood!"  
  
"You and three million others."  
  
"I do hope I can meet him soon! I've longed for this moment all my life," Athena cried as she clasped her hands to her heart in a sudden passion. "He must be quite handsome and so brave! But I have also heard stories of his troubles when it comes to matters of the heart – apparently he has had many lovers from this world and others but has rejected them all in the end. I am his one true love, you see! My father Zeus warned me that Legolas Greenleaf will not give in to my love without a fight, but he will eventually and we'll live happily ever after."  
  
No reply came. Lúthien was in no mood for this and knew her reply would be less than kind.  
  
"Have you ever been in love, Tinwhoviel?"  
  
A shadow crossed Lúthien's fair face, something quite rare for one with so much light upon her, and her cold demeanor all but disappeared. "I have indeed."  
  
Seeing the elf princess uncomfortable made Athena's eyes light up with joy. "Well, where is he?" she pressed.  
  
"My love is back where we belong." But no explanation was given, for Lúthien knew it would be a waste of time to attempt to teach the Sue about the Valar and Eru.  
  
"Who is he?" Being the Sue that she was, the warrior nymph was unsatisfied and irritated with Lúthien. The elf was just too beautiful, and that enraged Athena to no end.  
  
"Beren Camlost some called him."  
  
"'Called?' He is dead then?"  
  
"From this world, yes."  
  
"But what was he like?"  
  
"A friend to all animals – he ate no meat nor destroyed any creature untainted by evil. Long ago it was when he happened upon me by accident in the woods and secretly met with me among the trees and flowers. My father refused the match however and asked the impossible of my Beren . . . but I would rather not speak of what happened then. Many cruel events prevented us from being together, and at long last Beren died from wounds sustained in meeting the request of my father."  
  
Athena laughed and didn't bother to whisper the words: "Sounds like a loser!" Then she put on a fake smile and returned to her noble speech, saying, "That is so sad, Tinwhoviel! You never got to be together."  
  
Eyes lighting back up, Lúthien Tinúviel explained, "Yes we did and still are. And we shall be for eternity after my mission here is complete. He waits in the Halls of Mandos for me to return so we can go back to our true home."  
  
"What the hell are the Halls of Mandos? If this Beren is dead, then he is in the Underworld, you know. Hades rules over the dead with a firm, evil hand. You're weird, Tinwhoviel. Obviously you know nothing of the gods of Middle Earth like Zeus and Hades even though I took all of that time to explain earlier. Perhaps I shall teach you again sometime." That was all Athena could think to say, and the warrior nymph flipped her long red hair out and walked pointedly ahead of the elf.  
  
"Urge to kill rising," Lúthien muttered to herself, and her fists clenched in anger.  
  
"She's a lovely little thing, isn't she?" muttered Thrór as he trotted up to the wolfhound.  
  
"Just charming." Lúthien rolled her eyes, and the horse smirked as the group continued on their way to the not-so-faraway city of Edoras. 


	10. The Frightening City of Edoras

Disclaimer: Nothing to do with _The Lord of the Rings_, _The Silmarillion_, etc. is mine. But I believe you know that by now. And don't come after me with a hatchet for what I've done to Éowyn in this chapter – she, like all things canonical, shall be restored in the end. Oh yeah, and I don't own the Shakespeare quotes in this chapter either.  
  
And as usual, thanks to WargishBoromirFan for being my beta and helping me to enhance the story as well.

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Upon arriving at the gates of icy Edoras, a lone figure could be seen sitting on the great roof of Meduseld – yes, on it out in the freezing cold winds. Her yellow hair blew all around her, tangling in the wind, and her white dress was in shards as though someone had taken a sword to it. Dull were her eyes. Frost covered her skin. In her hands were clutched the dead brown stalks of a bouquet of simbelmynë. But it was her song that frightened everyone in the city the most:  
  
"He is dead and gone, lady,  
He is dead and gone;  
At his head a grass-green turf,  
At his heels a stone.  
  
White his shroud as the mountain snow,  
Larded with sweet flowers,  
Which bewept to the grave did go  
With true-love showers."  
  
The woman kicked her heels and swung them gleefully at the edge of the roof like one gone mad. Below her stood one alone figure – the others had long given up hope of convincing her to come down and left her to the elements.  
  
"ÉOWYN! Come down off the roof and get inside!"  
  
"White his shroud as the mountain snow,  
Larded with sweet flowers –"  
  
"Please!"  
  
"Which bewept to the grave did go –"  
  
"I'm not leaving until you come down! So come down so I can leave!"  
  
Her eyes filling with tears, the woman stopped her song and looked down at her brother with a deranged look. Howling, she dramatically cried, "But why should I come down, brother? For my true love is dead! Dead and gone! No longer do I wish to live. My poor Gríma! He hath passed in the night."  
  
Éomer would have strangled her had he not been so worried. "Why do you speak in such a fashion? I know not what evil has possessed you, but you've lost it this time!" he yelled up to Éowyn. "You despise Gríma and the wretched man is very much alive! Why do you tarry on the roof like this? That does it! I'm coming up to get you!" And he started scaling one of the great columns, slipping, sliding, and grumbling as he went.  
  
Meanwhile the weary group of travelers reached the large gate guarding entrance to the city. Boromir turned to the others, saying, "I'll go speak to them. They should let us in if the alliance with Gondor holds true." To Athena Firestone and Figwit he said, "And the two of you be careful. Don't say anything foolish or – oh, why do I even bother? We all know you will."  
  
"Well someone's a little angry today!" Figwit said as he rolled his eyes.  
  
"Shut up, Figwit!" said Thrór sourly.  
  
Boromir slowly made his way through the gigantic snowdrifts surrounding the long-closed gate and called up to the keepers. The guards, recognizing him as Gondor's Captain-General, allowed him entrance even though they looked begrudgingly upon his strange companions. That is, they begrudgingly looked upon his strange companions until Athena Firestone passed through the gate.  
  
Seeing the beautiful girl, both guards threw down their weapons and fell into the snow. "Who is this?" they asked in awe.  
  
Her auburn hair gleaming and jade eyes shining like the divine creature she was, Athena answered, "I am Athena Firestone, daughter of the great Zeus! At his bidding I am sent to save Middle Earth from the evil of Hades! Tell your king that I have arrived!" And indeed the guards went falling over themselves, charging up the icy path leading to the Golden Hall to inform Wormtongue of her coming.  
  
Very much irritated, Boromir thought of ordering them to halt and return but decided against it and led the others up the path after the two. As they went, the citizens of Edoras peered out from under their miserable, frozen houses and whispered ecstatically, "Look at that! A red haired woman of legends past! Perhaps she is a lovable Wight sent by Zeus to rescue us from this terrible winter!" And there was much rejoicing all through the city.  
  
"And since when does Rohan recognize the god Zeus?" muttered Gimli.  
  
"You forget once again this isn't the real Middle Earth," Thrór replied, his nostrils flaring in distaste.  
  
"Whatever it is I hate it," the dwarf said with a glare. "And I can only imagine what idiocy awaits us in the Golden Hall."  
  
Figwit looked around at the old houses with wonder. "Wow, dude! This is totally cool! It's just like the Middle Ages or something! Maybe when we get to the castle we can scarf some totally grievous proportions 'cuz I'm starvin' my butt off, hehe!"  
  
"Figwit?" Lúthien suddenly inquired.  
  
"What'z up, bebeh?" he answered with a snap & pointed finger at the fairest of all elven maidens, bringing the image of an unwholesome lounge lizard to mind.  
  
"Nothing is up, I don't think. The sky is perfectly clear." Luthien used a misunderstanding of his odd terminology to mask her rolling eyes. "But I have a question for you: how would you like to learn how to behave like a real elf?"  
  
"WoW! That'd be killah! But wait up, man, I am a real elf!"  
  
"You cannot be a real elf with a name like 'Figwit.'"  
  
"Whaddaya mean?" asked Figwit suspiciously.  
  
"I mean you need an elvish name." Such a direct, pointed stare from the great lady would have made even Galadriel turn her face away in shame, but the effect was rather lost upon the air-headed "Rivendellish" elf.  
  
"I've gotta a' elfish name. It's in Rivendellish!" There was not even the slightest glimmer of awareness in his eyes.  
  
"Figwit, Rivendellish does not exist. And whoever named you should have at least gone to an elven name generator on the Internet to find a suitable name. Being an elf named 'Figwit' is like being an elf with a name like 'Delayawen,' 'Kat,' or 'April,'" scowled Thrór, listening in on the conversation.  
  
"Oh, whatevah!" The male that might have been an elf turned his flattened palm towards the former Sue companion.  
  
"Let me handle this, Thrór," Lúthien whispered. To the empty-headed elf she inquired, "How about we think of a real elvish name for you later? I can't stand the name Figwit."  
  
Figwit grinned and gave her a thumbs-up. "Cool, cool! I'm game!"  
  
At this time, they reached the entrance to Meduseld and were greeted none too warmly by the guards. "It is said that Athena Firestone walks among you," they said, "and Théoden King refuses to allow her into the Hall. She is too great a threat to his rule in these dark days."  
  
Eyes blazing, Athena gave the guard her coldest stare. "And I bet I know why," she muttered furiously. "Curse that Hades!"  
  
"But will he allow the rest of us?" said Boromir impatiently, not caring to ask why the king didn't want the Sue – I mean, warrior nymph in his hall. There would be time for such explanations later.  
  
"Yeah, we don't really care if she has to stay outside," Thrór wanted to say but remained silent. He knew that it would be best for him not to speak for a while – after all, seeing a magical talking horse would tend to disturb most people.  
  
"Leave your weapons and the rest of you may enter," began Háma but before he could finish, Athena Firestone, brave nymph child of Zeus, took matters into her own hands. "Out of my way, fool!" she cried, pushing the guard down. "I shall take care of this myself!"  
  
"ATHENA FIRESTONE!" Boromir couldn't believe his eyes. "You will not go charging into this hall uninvited! Return at once!" he ordered in his most commanding tone, trying to scare her into submission. It didn't work.  
  
"Shut up! You just watch me!" And as quick as a flash, the girl had broken the other guard's nose, knocked the wind out of Boromir, and kicked Gimli off of terrace before they could restrain her, and dramatic music played as she ran into the hall, sword drawn. After regaining his breath, and checking to make sure the dwarf could get himself back up the steps, Boromir looked around for the orchestra with the intent of beating them over the heads with their instruments, but there were sadly, for the lord of Gondor, no errant musicians to be found.  
  
Up on the roof, Éomer, who had been watching the scene below and attempting to crawl across to reach his insane sister at the same time, nearly crapped in his pants. "Stop her!" he cried down to the others. "Do not let that wench attack the king!" And with a burst of energy he lunged for Éowyn, sending the two of them rolling off of the icy roof. It took all of Éomer's strength to pull his sister as well as himself through the air until they were directly on top of a pile of hay he had arranged for such an event, but the two landed safely. Not that Éowyn was happy about it.  
  
"Oh, no! Now I'll never find true love!" lamented the king's niece. "Curse you, brother! I'm going back up on the roof to cry my heart out to the heavens once more!"  
  
"NO, YOU ARE NOT!"  
  
Her eyes filled with tears. "If only you knew, my brother, what it is like to lose your true love! My poor Gríma." Sobbing, she filled her lungs with air.  
  
"Don't you dare start singing again –"  
  
"He is dead and gone, lady,  
He is dead and gone;  
At his head a grass-green turf,  
At his heels a stone."  
  
Hearing those familiar lines, Thrór limped over. "Who the hell is reciting Hamlet over here?" he asked sourly, forgetting to stay silent. "More drama is exactly what we do not need right now."  
  
"My damn sister; she has – WHAT!?!? You are a horse! And you speak!" Éomer's eyes were wide and he stared at Thrór, not sure what to make of this strange beast.  
  
Annoyed, the magical horse shook his head and said, "Trust me, you don't want to know, but all will be explained soon. Just come with me – we have a crisis situation on our hands! One of our numbskull companions has just decided to storm the Golden Hall all by herself!"  
  
Éomer rose, dragging Éowyn with him. "Who has? And why?"  
  
"He is dead and gone, lady,  
He is dead and gone;  
At his head a grass-green turf –"  
  
"GIVE IT A REST, ÉOWYN!" Then Éomer softened somewhat, knowing he had to distract his deranged sister for the time being. "Oh, Éowyn! Look! There is a nice batch of sewing over there just waiting to be done!"  
  
Looking wildly around, Éowyn cried, "Sewing! I love sewing! WHERE?"  
  
"Here!" Éomer thrust a stick and one of his undershirts into her hands. "Quickly now, get to work! This needs mending right away!"  
  
"Of course, of course! I love to mend things!" And Éowyn slammed herself down on a nearby barrel and tried to force the stick through the material. To all who knew her, she had definitely lost her mind.  
  
His sister out of the way, Éomer ran into the hall where he found Athena Firestone beating Théoden King to the ground while at least five men and a dwarf tried to stop her.  
  
"HADES!" Athena shrieked. "GET OUT OF HIM!" Her sword slammed into the old man's side, causing him to reel in pain. "YOU CANNOT POSSESS THE KING OF ROHAN ANY LONGER!"  
  
The king suddenly leaped to his feet, eyes bulging. "You cannot stop me, Athena Firestone!" he cackled in a booming, evil voice. "Rohan is mine now! And soon the rest of Middle Earth will be too, and I will come for you then. Zeus will fall, and the world will be mine! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" he cackled melodramatically, his long-nailed fingers stretched out like claws.  
  
But Athena was not so easily stopped, and the valiant girl gave a mighty cry. "Out of him, vile demon!" she howled, and then with one last strike with her sword Zeus' only daughter forced her cruel uncle out of Théoden King's body. A large black mist shaped like a human rose from the king's body, its red eyes flashing. No doubt it was "teh evole Hades." But soon the mist was gone and the Golden Hall was back to normal. Or so most everyone thought.  
  
The peasants and all others rejoiced. "Athena! Zeus's daughter restored Rohan! All sing her praise!" they sang outside of Meduseld.  
  
Gríma Wormtongue was understandably confused about the whole Hades thing as well. "I thought it was Saruman in there! That was too weird for my liking," was all he said, and he went back to Isenguard, a lost and extremely disturbed man - well, more disturbed than usual anyway – to report the strange incident to Saruman. The king's niece tried in vain to follow him but was restrained by her brother.  
  
"Let me follow him, Éomer! He is my true love! Do not deny me that!" yelled a hysterical Éowyn as Éomer held her back. The sight of Gríma leaving almost broke her fragile little heart, and she wept incessantly.  
  
"He is not your true love, sister! YOU DESPISE HIM!"  
  
"No! I love him! Do you not hear me? I LOVE HIM!!"  
  
Athena saw her and approached, saying, "Fear no longer, gentle Éowyn! He was not a good man – I bet he worked for Hades. At least now you can work on your womanly duties in peace."  
  
"Oh, all right then," conceded Éowyn, and she happily skipped away to her quarters, singing in a strange way, "Sing willow, willow, willow, let nobody blame him, his scorn I approve..." As she left, Éowyn called back over her shoulder, "I do desire that we be better strangers! For more of your conversation shall infect my brain!"  
  
"What is up with your sister and the Shakespeare?" Thrór asked Éomer who shook his head sadly.  
  
"I know not. For months now she has acted strangely, singing outlandish songs and delighting in little but sewing. And as we all know, this is not like her. Never before would she have done such things. I cannot even persuade her to horseback ride with me anymore, for she claims that 'riding horses is a man's duty.' I wish I could cure her! Maybe a good slap would do it," mused Éomer.  
  
While this had been going on, Boromir had been beseeching Théoden's forgiveness. "My lord, I take full responsibility for what that crazy girl did to you. She is not right in the head, you see, and we are traveling with her by mere chance alone," he explained in a very low voice. "I did not know she would dare act the way she did upon reaching the entrance of your hall and would have never even considered bringing her in if I had."  
  
Théoden was unconcerned. "Forgive you?! Why quite the contrary! I thank you for bringing her here so she could release me from the vile hold of Hades! All shall sing praises for Athena!" And the king went over and bowed before the Sue – I mean, warrior nymph. "Thank you, my lady. I am forever in your debt. Whatever you want, you shall have!"  
  
Her perfectly manicured hand sweeping over Théoden's head, Athena smiled. "No need to thank me, gentle king! I have sworn to protect everyone from Hades, and the king of Rohan is no exception. Now rise!"  
  
"Wow! This is cool! You go girl!" Figwit, who had finally allowed into the hall along with Huan, Lúthien, and Thrór, cried. "You rock so hard, Athena!" He was pumping his fists into the air, jumping up and down as if he had gotten hold of way too much sugar.  
  
"This is getting stranger and stupider all the time," muttered Thrór to himself. "A wimpy Éowyn, and a Sue-loving Théoden King in Edoras? I hate to think what might happen next."  
  
"So do we," all of the Tolkien fans said, grimaces spreading on their faces. "This is not Middle-earth; this is Sueland!"


	11. How Much Longer Can This Go On?

Disclaimer: Tolkien's got everything you recognize.

Ok everyone, I looked back and realized to my horror that I hadn't updated this since February; time really flew by and I was busy with school. Plus I've had a huge case of writer's block which has since been cured. As some of you might have noticed, some of the earlier chapters of this story have changed a bit since I was uncomfortable with the way the plot was going and went back to redo some of it. Lúthien is a bit more feisty and more of a Thrór-type character, for instance.

Thanks to all of my reviewers who pointed out mistakes or made suggestions about the story (you do not go unnoticed, I assure you)! Please tell me what you like, what you don't like, and any suggestions. Thanks!

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Théoden King bid his guards return to their posts and welcomed in the guests. "Hi, everyone! Don't be shy! Pull up a chair! Take a rest! I'll go get some cool beverages and hot grits for you all!" And the king went running off into the kitchen happily where he met Éowyn, and the two of them started cooking. Athena went with one of the servants to the extra special chamber that was being prepared for her; it was, in fact, Théoden's own. The king of Rohan had figured that he could sleep on the floor of the Golden Hall so his savior would be in the most comfortable room. Obviously Théoden was not himself.  
  
"Grits?" Boromir's eyebrow rose as he uneasily accepted a chair, but the visiting lords' disquiet did little to slow the monarch's bustling courtesy. Huan whined and attempted to hide behind his mistress's chair when Théoden tripped over him for the second time. Lúthien patted the big wolfhound soothingly, but the destroyer of Carcharoth merely whined pitifully, trying to squeeze his bulk under her daisy-print chair and out of the way of the madman.  
  
"Oh, no!" moaned Gimli once he realized what was going on. "Théoden King has been corrupted by the Sue."  
  
"Just when I think he's back to normal, Athena Firestone shows up and makes things worse," said Éomer crossly as he joined them. "And that must be why Éowyn is acting so strangely too." He shook his head in exasperation.  
  
Thrór laughed. "According to the Law of the Sue, there can only be one female warrior in this story and Éowyn is not it!" His purple eyes glittered in an amused way, making Éomer suspiciously study him.  
  
"What are you supposed to be anyway?" Éomer's horses were well trained, but he had never before seen one sitting at the table.  
  
"A talking horse."  
  
"A talking horse?" Éomer was understandably confused.  
  
"Yeah. A damn talking horse. It's a long story, but here's the short version: I was the magical horse of a Sue as vile as – well, almost as vile as Athena. Actually, I can't decide which one is worse, Vallawen or Athena. They are both just so completely evil in their own little ways that I can't compare them." And he informed Éomer about Vallawen and her wretched Norse mythology mangling past.  
  
Meanwhile Gimli turned to Boromir and Lúthien Tinúviel. "Well, it is obvious that we will find little help in Edoras," he observed gruffly. "Perhaps Éomer would give us aid, but what can he do that we cannot? I propose that we leave Rohan as soon as possible and make for Gondor."  
  
Not knowing what else to do, Boromir agreed. "That sounds like the only thing we can do at this point."  
  
"Do we have to take Athena Firestone with us? I don't know if I can stand her much longer," asked Lúthien sourly. But before anyone could reply, Athena Firestone came triumphantly walking into the room.  
  
"It is so gorgeous in there! Well, probably not as nice as my room in Mirkwood Palace will be but still nice enough. Me 'n' Orl- I mean, Legolas will have the best quarters in Middle Earth! I deserve only the best."  
  
"True that!" Figwit commented as he smiled his usual irritating grin. His unwilling traveling companions were mildly surprised, as ever, that his head stayed on through that much nodding. There was certainly no weight within to anchor it to his neck.  
  
Her long and beautiful hair shining in the faint evening light that beamed weakly through the doorway, the Sue- I mean, warrior nymph, - went over and made herself at home in Théoden King's throne. "Ahh," she sighed to herself as she sank into the huge throne, "Legolas, Legolas, Legolas. We shall be together soon and the world will rejoice, for Zeus has proclaimed our betrothal to be the most important of all the ages."  
  
Boromir rolled his eyes at Gimli as they listened to the girl's mumblings. The dwarf coughed to cover his gagging motions.  
  
Éomer finished in his discussion with Thrór and proudly declared, "I will help you get rid of Athena Firestone. Perhaps I can gather several Riders loyal enough to embark on such a dangerous mission and they can accompany us to Minas Tirith."  
  
"We would be grateful for it," Boromir told him earnestly, and Gimli grunted in agreement. "Let us set off for Gondor in the morning. Athena Firestone thinks Legolas will be there, so I'm certain she'll consent to coming along."  
  
Trepidation creeping over his face as he thought of the impossible girl accompanying the group to Gondor, Éomer turned to regard the Sue – I mean, Zeus' warrior nymph daughter - as she sat on the throne in all of her splendor, and his eyes seemed to suddenly glaze over in a sickly way. For the first time he had the chance to stare at this divine creature, at her huge green eyes and flowing flame-red hair which had mysteriously developed silver highlights since she had arrived at Edoras, at those luscious full pouting lips that just cried out for a kiss, and all of these wonderful traits made Éomer want to puke. This girl was so unreal it sickened him to the very core of his being.  
  
It was at this time Théoden King and his giggling niece came charging back into the room, each carrying a tray filled with suspicious-looking food items. "All right, gang!" gleefully cried the king, "Here are the goods!"  
  
"That smells gr8t!" Figwit exclaimed. No one knew exactly how, but the "elf" had managed to convey the number in his speech.  
  
Grinning madly, Théoden set down the trays. "Well, it ought to! I was up all night making it in preparation for Athena's arrival! We've got haggis, fresh oysters brought in from the Pacific Ocean this morning, onion stew with an exotic red pepper sauce, some yummy roasted nuts, eggs benedict, crepe suzette, and some freshly made Root Beer! And of course, the big surprise! I made you my specialty: nice, hot GRITS with Tabasco sauce!"  
  
Luthien gave Boromir an inquiring look at the list of delicacies, mouthing "Pacific Ocean?" but the man of Gondor shrugged helplessly, as lost as she.  
  
"I didn't think there was a large body of water within a day's riding distance from here," he told her in a sotto voice as Theoden beamed at them, grinning as if he were not quite right in the head. "Firestone's doing, most likely."  
  
"And I helped," laughed Éowyn as she poured the Root Beer, trying to keep it from spilling all over the new pink frilly dress she had sewn herself. "I just love to cook!"  
  
Before he could stop himself, Éomer gave a frustrated howl. "No, YOU DON'T LOVE TO COOK!" he hollered at his sister. "And you, Théoden King, you aren't supposed to be cooking for your guests! YOU ARE THE KING! There are servants for this kind of work."  
  
"Oh, pshaw!" said Théoden. "You're just jealous of my extraordinary cooking skills, nephew."  
  
"That does it!" Éomer slammed his mug of frosty Root Beer hard on the table, sending the beverage flying all over Boromir and Lúthien. Huan scrambled away from the mess, shaking Root Beer all over Gimli and their hosts. "I can't stand another second in Edoras!"  
  
Her eyes sparkling, Athena exclaimed, "Oh, but why? Edoras is such a nice place, and the people are so friendly."  
  
"That reminds me!" Théoden suddenly yelled. "Will you marry me, Athena Firestone?" He threw himself on his knees before her. "You have saved Edoras and my rule from the evil Hades, and I cannot think of any other way to thank you."  
  
"You are old, good king. I need someone young like Legolas!"  
  
"Legolas is MUCH older than me!" Poor Théoden was beside himself with despair. "Why choose him? I love you!"  
  
"Because Orl- I mean, Legolas is my destined husband. Father Zeus has proclaimed it to be so, you see, and I cannot change the choices of the gods. Plus he is a very handsome elf! Not like you or those two over there!" she cried, pointing at Gimli and Boromir. "Legolas is gorgeous!"  
  
The Tolkien fans were calling for blood. "WE MUST KILL HER! She butchers the canon in such horrendous ways that she must be eliminated from Tolkien's wonderful world! And she calls any character that isn't Legolas 'ugly!'"  
  
"Even Boromir! Everyone knows that elf is just a girly boy with no character traits compared to –" the beta reader of this parody piped up from Somewhere Mysterious. The Tolkien fans and sane characters fixed her with an odd stare. "Shutting up now." She slunk off before the pitchforks could start flying again.  
  
"Oh, calm down," said the ever-calm Thrór. "Just wait. You'll get your chance and hopefully it will be very satisfying. The author of this parody will ensure that."  
  
The Tolkien fans fell silent. A few of them left to hunt down the beta before she became too rabid a fangirl.  
  
"Well, ok, I guess you do have to marry Legolas," Théoden King reluctantly agreed. "But at least let me cater the wedding – I can make upside down cake!"  
  
"Oh, of course!" The Sue – I mean, Zeus' warrior nymph daughter - was all too happy to indulge the king's request. "My good king, you are welcome to cater my wedding!"  
  
"Yay!" squealed the king. It was embarrassing, and a little frightening, for Éomer to watch his uncle jumping up and down like a little kid with too much caffeine. It was even more frightening for Éomer to realize he knew what caffeine was.  
  
"Let's plan what will be on the menu right away!" And so Athena and Théoden King rattled on into the night making food preparations for a wedding that the groom didn't even know about.  
  
"This is making me sick," commented Lúthien as she watched them. Figwit had proved impossible to sit down with, much less cure. "I am beginning to agree with Éomer – staying here in Edoras is becoming exasperating. We should pick up and leave right now. I suppose we could even leave Athena Firestone here, as I am sure it will take her months to plan her grand wedding to Legolas." The lady's stunning grey eyes promised a slow death for the Sue, should the elven princess be forced to continue journeying with her.  
  
"Well, of course we could do that," said Boromir with a shrug. He wouldn't mind seeing Athena get what she deserved, but when dealing with reborn elves sent to Middle Earth on a mission from Eru, it was best to be accommodating. "I never was too happy about taking her to Gondor with us."  
  
The dwarf sighed. "She must come along. We can't risk her running into Vallawen, remember? Athena must think that Legolas is in Minas Tirith so she will accompany us, and we can keep an eye on her."  
  
Boromir scowled. "You are right, Gimli. We'll leave in the morning as originally planned."  
  
"And I shall spend the rest of the night trying to rally together any men in Edoras who are still loyal to the canon, if there are any, and we shall go along to Minas Tirith with you. We shall need all the help we can get if Athena Firestone meets this Vallawen creature you speak of, Thrór," Éomer observed. He stood up and cried, "Farewell, my friends! I shall be at the stables when the sun rises, with my men. Meet me there." And the tall young man sprinted out of the hall, eager to be away from Athena Firestone and his deranged relatives.  
  
"Let us hope he can arrange a company," muttered Boromir as he watched Éomer go.  
  
The ridiculously colored talking horse snorted. "You have no idea how much we might need the extra help," he said. "As I explained before, Sues bring many un-canonical perils into Middle Earth; well, besides themselves, I mean; and who knows what crazy beasts and creatures from Norse and Greek mythology might await us on the journey from Rohan to Gondor?"  
  
Her head snapping up, the elven princess Lúthien glared at him. "Oh, I can just hardly wait," she stated dryly, and Gimli and Boromir looked at each other with worry in their eyes. It was bad enough that they had to deal with Athena Firestone without adding an additional host of un-canonical creatures to Middle Earth.  
  
Only Figwit remained at ease. "Dude, this is so cool! Maybe Théoden can made sushi for the wedding 'cuz I love sushi; it is dah bomb."


	12. Setting off into Sueland once again

Disclaimer: I don't own nothing but my OC, Athena Firestone!! AND U CAN'T STEEL MY CARACTER ATHENA FIRESTONE SHES COPYWRIGHTED!1!!one11!ONE (slaps self) Anyway I don't own anything. Just the pathetic original characters I came up with. Tolkien has everything else as usual.  
  
Thanks so much for the reviews – I am glad to know that people are still reading this really bizarre story and I love your comments. :P (goes into demanding mode) But more are needed! Gimli and Boromir need all the support they can get against the Sue menace, and you will not regret reviewing, I promise! I can't tell you why yet . . . so please just review and you'll see what I mean by the end of the story.

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The wind that had blasted Edoras throughout a miserable night had finally subsided as the reddish light of day crept up on the plains of Rohan. Five figures, two of them beasts, stood in the fast emerging light with the huge doors of Meduseld behind them; four of them stood closely huddled together, constantly keeping an eye out in case everyone's favorite Sue- I mean, Athena Firestone, the warrior nymph daughter of Zeus, - decided to make a sudden appearance, while the fifth sat on the front of the terrace kicking his heels against the stone mindlessly and gleefully. The reader need not be told who the asinine fifth figure was, as he has doubtlessly figured it out already. The others were Gimli and Lúthien, accompanied by Huan and Thrór.  
  
Boromir, restless and impatient to set out for his home, had vanished into the dark several hours earlier to find Éomer and any Riders the other man had managed to round up and no one had seen either of the two men, even though they had claimed that they would be off by first light.  
  
Heels slamming into the stones, Figwit moaned, "I dunno why we're havin' to get up so early. This is bull. I wanna go back to sleep." He yawned hugely as to emphasize his sleepiness.  
  
Thrór frowned, resisting the urge to utter a rude comment to the brainless elf, but Lúthien Tinúviel felt a tinge of pity for Figwit once more and called him over to her.  
  
"Figwit! Come over here," Lúthien said. "I have a gift for you."  
  
"What up, bebeh?" She did her best to ignore his supposedly knowing wink.  
  
Taking his limp hand in her delicate one, Lúthien drew the strangely named 'Rivendellish' elf near her. Her other hand circled his face, centimeters away from his skin, as though she tried to symbolically brush away his past. "Figwit you are no longer!" she cried. "Úbennas I name you." And she released his hand with a flourish.  
  
"Whaa?" He stared blankly, his jaw slack.  
  
"I told you I would give you a real Sindarin name, so perhaps you will act more like a real elf," the lady explained gently as Figwit's empty eyes studied her with confusion. "I believe Úbennas, 'No Past', suits you as you have had no past as a true Eldar. Perhaps later you will earn yourself another name but for now you shall be called Úbennas."  
  
"Weelll, ok! I'm cool with dat!" He decided after a minute, perking up with a wide, albeit still mostly clueless grin.  
  
Praying that renaming Figwit might change his juvenile ways, Lúthien walked over to Thrór and Gimli, saying rather crossly, "We shall call Figwit 'Úbennas' from now on. I couldn't bear calling him that ridiculous acronym any longer."  
  
"Agreed." Gimli sighed. "Even though I would rather be around Figwit than Legolas, for Legolas seems to attract Sues right and left while Figwit only has that wench Athena Firestone around him." . Thrór yawned. "I hope Boromir and Éomer return soon. But now for the million dollar question: where is our beloved Athena? Still planning her wedding with Théoden King?"  
  
"I wouldn't be surprised," grinned the dwarf. "For as we all know, Athena's wedding to Legolas is much more important than trying to find Frodo and help him destroy the Ring. In fact, I'd wager she hasn't given any other members of our former Fellowship a second thought – and what a good thing that is! If our luck holds out, Athena will never meet up with the Fellowship or Vallawen."  
  
The dull thudding of horses' hooves was suddenly heard ringing against the dusty earth. To the dismay of those standing on Meduseld, only three gray horses were halted below the steps of the Golden Hall, and Boromir and Éomer dismounted from the leading two, their faces filled with disgust.  
  
"No one!" Éomer cried as he and Boromir thundered up the steps. "Not one man in Edoras will accompany us to Gondor! Everyone in this city has gone mad, I tell you! I thought they would be eager to go with us once I let them know that Athena Firestone, the so-called "Savior of Edoras," would be in the company, but they are all dead drunk from celebrating Athena's arrival and the subsequent banishment of that Hades thing from the Golden Hall. No one will come!"  
  
"Then we shall have to make due with anyone we can find." Lúthien was as calm as ever.  
  
Giving her an exasperated look, Boromir snapped, "But there IS no one else, my lady. It is just going to be our original company plus Éomer, the Sue, and Figwit –"  
  
"His new name is Úbennas. Don't call him Figwit anymore."  
  
Seeing the annoyance on Boromir's face, Thrór added, "If we call him Úbennas then perhaps he will become more of an elf and less an annoyance."  
  
"– our original company plus Éomer, the Sue, and Úbennas then," relented the Gondorian. "We don't have time to ride to the outer settlements of Rohan to plead for help; we must get to Minas Tirith as quickly as possible so we can find a way to stop both Athena Firestone and Vallawen."  
  
Lúthien shrugged her fair shoulders and Huan lay down so she could mount him. "Then let us be off to Minas Tirith." The wolfhound gave a low grunt in agreement and his tail slapped back and forth against his hindquarters.  
  
Éomer nodded. "I have fresh supplies on the horses. We can leave as soon as you wish," he told Boromir. "I am sorry about the lack of help but I will gladly go along." Rather ashamed, the younger man absentmindedly stroked Firefoot's neck.  
  
"It's not your fault," Thrór comforted. "It's all Athena Firestone's fault. Let's just blame everything on her, for she indeed deserves it. But now we'd better get up and leave. Enough of this talking!"  
  
"OOooh Éomer!" a high pitched voice cried from the top of the stairs, and Éowyn came charging down towards her brother gleefully. "I made thee a new cloak with flowers on the embroidering for your journey." And she giggled most un-canonically. Her brother was less than amused.  
  
"That does it! Éowyn, get on Firefoot. You are coming along with us, and you will remember who you really are!" demanded Éomer, his eyes flashing. "You are going to ride that horse and fight, and you are going to enjoy it!"  
  
Stunned, his sister back away, crying "I shall not fight and disgrace my gender! No, away with thee, Éomer, and leave me to my duties here in Edoras. Perhaps my love Gríma shall return soon and we can frolic together in the simbelmynë."  
  
That was the last straw. "Go get your sword and armor right now, sister!" Knowing that she wasn't about to do so, Éomer then sneakily said, "I command you to do so, and since I am a man you must obey me. And go find Athena Firestone and tell her to come out here so we can be off to Minas Tirith where her true love Legolas waits for her."  
  
Her gray eyes filling with tears, Éowyn disappeared back into Meduseld.  
  
"Is that really necessary?" asked Thrór skeptically. "Éowyn will be of no use to us; she will bog us down with her meek and womanly ways." The great horse shook his long, shiny mane in annoyance.  
  
"BUT SHE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE MEEK AND WOMANLY WAYS! And she will remember that before this is all over, I swear it," her brother angrily swore.  
  
Sensing the tension, Boromir put in, "As long as she doesn't hinder us, she can come." Éomer nodded in appreciation and gratitude.  
  
Huan pranced and moaned; his rider was impatient as well. "For the last time, let us be off," the fairest elf lady to walk the earth ordered, and this time the others mounted; Gimli, still feeling uncomfortable around the horses, got on the strong back of Thrór while Boromir chose the tallest gray horse out of the six he and Éomer had gathered, and, even though it took him a while to figure out how to mount a horse, Figwit was on the last gelding.  
  
Athena Firestone and a sulking Éowyn came out and prepared to go, Éowyn rode behind Gimli on Thrór since she was too afraid to ride by herself, and Athena Firestone, well. . .  
  
"Where's my horse?" The beautiful warrior nymph eyed the already mounted animals. "I refuse to share a horse with someone."  
  
Boromir wanted to say, "That's wonderful because I highly doubt that any of us would share a horse with you," but refrained. Instead he sighed and said, "I'm sorry, Athena, but we couldn't find enough horses." That wasn't exactly the truth; Boromir knew well that Éomer could have easily found another horse but refused to do so since he couldn't bear the thought of the Sue – I mean, warrior nymph - riding one of the beautiful animals of Rohan. No one knew what to say.  
  
Her red hair streaming behind her with its beautiful silver streaks highlighted against the rising sun, the enchanting girl pouted at the two men. "I need my own horse, and I will have one! I cannot arrive in Condo -"  
  
"Gondor," Boromir corrected with obvious annoyance.  
  
"Whatever the place is called, I cannot arrive riding a horse with someone else. It would make me look so weak, and after all I am the daughter of Zeus! Legolas must see how great I am as soon as I arrive."  
  
"I know what to do," Thrór suddenly put in. "Athena Firestone shall ride on my back. I'm sure that Éomer could uh, plead with someone around here and borrow another horse for Gimli and Éowyn to share."  
  
Curious about what the strange horse was planning to gain by having that Sue ride him, Gimli dismounted and helped Éowyn down as best he could, and Éomer immediately went back to the stables of the Golden Hall in search of another one of his horses. Athena Firestone, so dense that she didn't even notice how easily Éomer was about to get a horse for Gimli and his sister while saying that he could find none for her, shrugged and leapt onto Thrór's back with one gorgeous jump without so much as a 'thank you.'  
  
"I must meet Legolas right away," she triumphantly cried, "for I am destined to save Middle Earth from Hades and need the help of my beloved to do so. Get going, horse!"  
  
Tail swishing in annoyance as the Sue – I mean, warrior nymph - kicked his sides harshly, Thrór groaned but said in a sickeningly sweet tone, "We shall go when the others are ready, Lady Athena."  
  
"Oh fine, but they'd better hurry up!" The warrior nymph's luscious red lips sank into a coquettish pout, but only Figwit – sorry, Luthien, make that Úbennas – was by any means impressed.  
  
Spare horse in tow, Éomer quickly returned. After Gimli, and Éowyn, who clung to the dwarf in terror, were remounted, the nephew of the king of Rohan swung onto Firefoot and cried, "Onward to Minas Tirith!" And they were off.  
  
Théoden King, spoon in hand and bowl of batter under one arm, waved goodbye to them from inside the great doors of the Golden Hall. "Have a good time on your trip, everybody! And Athena, I'll be making the sponge cakes and other goodies for the wedding while you are gone. I can't wait! And I cannot thank you enough for saving my kingdom from Hades, curse him. I am always in your debt."  
  
Athena Firestone turned her head back and blew the king a kiss. "Farewell, good king!" The others shared disgusted looks. "Hey, you want to hear about the time I defeated the terrible king Agamemnon?"  
  
"No," said Thrór.  
  
"It was one of the most harrowing adventures of my life. See, during the Trojan War, I had just rescued Hector from Achilles and made them make up and be best friends when Agamemnon and his fiery dragon steed came jumping across the Lion's Gate. . ."  
  
(18 hours later)  
  
"So my foster mother Helen of Troy screamed and Hector, Achilles, and I ran across the plains of Europe and killed Agamemnon before he could harm my poor foster parent. But it turns out that it wasn't Agamemnon at all – it was that cursed Hades! He laughed at us and fled back down into the depths of the Underworld where he sat and smoldered until it was time for him to face me again," finished the girl breathlessly, her cheeks as red as ripe cherries. Once again she was using Classical Greek mythology as her own personal playground, just as she was ravaging Middle Earth.  
  
Clutching his horse's mane uncomfortably and pulling on the reins like he was trying to halt a freight train, Figwit cried, "That is so cool, Athena. Hades will never mess with you, huh?" The horse shook its head irritably, and the elf dropped his reins. "A little help here?" He barely managed to stay in the slipping saddle as he reached for them, before Éomer came over to show the fool how to properly handle his mount, tying the reins together with a grumble.  
  
Athena beamed. "That's right, darling Figwit, Hades will never win against me, unless he finally marries me and keeps me away from my true love."  
  
"Let's stop a minute," Lúthien suggested, seeing how tired the horses of Rohan and their riders were becoming. Huan halted beneath her.  
  
"If only Minas Tirith was as close as Edoras was in this Sue version of Middle Earth," commented Gimli as he slid off of his horse's back. "Remember how easy it was to reach the Golden Hall, since this horrible shell of what was once Middle Earth no longer has the correct geography that we once knew? Do you think Minas Tirith might be much closer than we think?"  
  
"Who knows? We can only hope that it is," Boromir said. "I must speak with my father."  
  
Pulling off his helm, Éomer groaned and rubbed his sweaty head. "But what if Denethor has been corrupted by the Sues just as Théoden King was?"  
  
Gondor's Captain General gave a loud laugh as though Éomer had just told a witty joke. "My father corrupted by Sues?" he exclaimed. "I think not." And the others began to laugh with him. They knew no Sue would dare corrupt Denethor – they just thought he was plain evil since they had only seen the movies and not read the book. But Denethor was much cleverer than any Sue could anticipate as shall soon be seen.  
  
"What are we talking about?" a musical voice suddenly cut in. "What is a Sue?" Athena Firestone had crept up behind the others and stood in all her majesty; Gimli could have sworn that she was bathed in a golden light than highlighted her perfect features. Everyone froze, unsure of what to say or do next. Who knew what would happen if that foolish warrior nymph found out about the mission?  
  
Luckily Thrór knew what to do. "A Sue is just a very special person, Athena, a very special person who uh, loves the most handsome creature in the entire world, just as you are a very special person who loves Legolas!"  
  
One of the girl's ruby red, perfectly shaped eyebrows rose in suspicion but was soon lifted back down as she smiled her award winning smile at Thrór. "Well, that's very interesting and true! But don't call me Sue because my name is Athena Firestone and it is a very nice name that Father Zeus christened me with himself!" Never mind that she was mixing religions, again. Athena proudly sat herself down and began to sing in a voice that could only be likened to that of a crystal wind chime: "Legolas, I love you but we can't be together until this war is though. Oh, Legolas, Legolas, I want to be with you, I want to be there too!"  
  
"Worst 'song' ever." Lúthien put her hands over her sensitive ears, and Huan began to howl in a most unpleasant way. Little did they know that the worst was yet to come...


	13. Fenrir, Great Wolf of the North

Disclaimer: Only Thrór and the stupid Sues are mine. Everyone else belong to Tolkien, save Figwit who is probably New Line Cinema's or something (I don't really care). And Fenrir is a character from Norse mythology, as many of you know.  
  
WargishBoromirFan, I love you. Well done with the beta-ing! And thanks to everyone who has reviewed – I am definitely taking note of suggestions. As for Faramir, well, you'll see if anything has happened to him (thanks to the Sue) soon enough.  
  
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"Do you sense that?" Well along their path, Boromir reined in his horse sharply, raising a fist to hold the others back.  
  
"Yes. We are being stalked. The air holds a strange scent I have never smelled before." The dwarf strained his wide nostrils, trying to determine what was causing the odd stink before a trembling Éowyn could smother him with her overly tight hold upon his waist. He reflected that she would be a much better horse-person than he, if only the former shieldmaiden were bold enough to loosen her death-grip upon the saddle horn.  
  
"I sense it as well, Master Gimli, but what could it be?" Éomer rode even with the other horse, doing his best to ignore his sister's cowering as he kept an eye on Figwit, easily the worst rider the Third Marshall of the Mark had ever met.  
  
"I know not, but it almost smells like . . . rotting flesh."  
  
"Halt! Halt here." The Captain General used his most commanding tone of voice, as a sulky Athena Firestone, upset that she had not been the first to sense danger for all her special Sue powers, looked as if she would have disobeyed, had she not been saddled on Thrór. Figwit, as ever, was oblivious to the others, struggling to keep his horse from breaking into a terrified gallop. Éomer caught its bridle when the frightened gelding lurched forward after an ill-timed disciplinary smack to its flank.  
  
"OMG! I knew I shouldn't have come along on a man's journey."  
  
"Quiet, sister! Don't you start speaking in netspeak too! Argh, I can't even believe I know what netspeak is! Éowyn, sometimes I think you just need good slapping, and perhaps that would cure you."  
  
"Quiet back there!" Boromir raised his voice warningly, and Éowyn dutifully obeyed, shrinking back from her brother. The two men had begun to circle the others, looking for some signs of trouble to come.  
  
"Don't worry! I shall save us, by the grace of Father Zeus." Athena sat haughtily in her saddle, her perfectly formed chin that was neither too round nor too pointed set at just the right angle for the sunlight to catch in her fiery green eyes. Éomer silently added her once more to his mental list of people he wanted to slap. It was becoming quite a long list, but Firestone's name was featured most often.  
  
"You be quiet too, Firestone!"  
  
"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, YOU BOAR!"  
  
Boromir had had it. Perhaps his father would have been able to keep this girl in line without damaging anyone's pride, but Denethor had not had to listen to constant keenings for that poncy elf prince, been assaulted with a sword, been falsely accused of rape when it was the furthest thing from his mind, gotten absolutely no thanks or credit for his efforts at improving his surroundings, and watched the majority of his companions slip one by one under the influence of the Sues. Right now, it was becoming a strain on Boromir to keep his fingers from Athena's lily-white neck. "You WILL listen to me because you don't know where we are going. I, on the other hand, do know, since our destination happens to be my home. We will not be led by some so-called warrior daughter of this Zeus god who got lost in Rohan while trying to find Moria; it would be like a blind shepherd leading a flock of sheep over a cliff."  
  
The girl was about to snarl in retaliation when Lúthien stopped her. "We have no time for this nonsense," the elf lady said simply. "We cannot stop here! It would be much more appropriate for us to flee to Gondor and outrun what threatens us."  
  
Gripping his axe so tightly that even his roughly calloused hands felt pain, the dwarf stared at the most beautiful elf ever seen in Middle Earth, not wanting to be rude but seriously doubting the course of action she suggested.  
  
His stare was not lost on Lúthien Tinúviel. She leaned over so only Gimli and Éomer could hear and whispered, "Just play along. If we act like we are afraid of whatever stalks us then Athena Firestone will undoubtedly jump at the chance to be our savior and fight whatever creature whose scent fouls the air, thus giving us a chance to perhaps have the creature kill her or, if not that, we won't have to risk injury by confronting the beast ourselves if our wonderful warrior nymph friend can kill it."  
  
As if on cue Athena leapt off of Thrór's back and began to smell the air.  
  
"Oh, no! Don't let whatevah it iz hurt U, 'Thena! I'll jus' DIE!1! if you die!" Figwit never was one for using correct grammar, as the reader doubtlessly knows.  
  
"Worry not, darling Figwit! Nothing has defeated me yet."  
  
"Good plan, Lúthien," the talking horse commented, glad to be rid of the tiresome warrior girl from his back and ignoring her as she leapt forth in bravery. In truth Thrór wasn't in the mood to fight any mystical creatures, and he highly suspected, as did the rest of the group, that this threat was most likely an un-canonical creature from either Norse or Greek mythology that the Sues brought with them. "Hopefully this will be a creature from Greek mythology – Athena should be able to defeat it with ease if it is so. A Norse beast, however, might not be easily dealt with."  
  
Continuing with her idea, Tinúviel cried, "Run! Let's go before we all are killed!" It took all her willpower to hide the smirk surfacing on her lips.  
  
"NO!" The brave voice of the Sue – I mean, warrior nymph - bellowed triumphantly. "Fear not! It is a creature sent by Hades to capture me, I am sure, but I shall defeat it, as I have done the hundreds of other minions he has sent." And Athena Firestone, brave and beautiful, raised her sword and gave a mighty yell. "Let them come!" And then it was time for another lengthy Sue description that everyone loves so much! OMG LOL!!1 Sorry, the author of this parody appears to be suffering from a bout of Figwit-itis. It shall soon pass. We hope. If not, we shall see if Lord Éomer is willing to smack a bit of sense into her.  
  
The sun-kissed red hair with pure silver highlights that had once been bound back in a long braid had fallen over the attractive face of the girl, and her sea green eyes glittered with elegance as well as mystery through the long red locks. That perfectly sculpted figure froze in a battle stance, her muscles rippling – but not too much because she wasn't TOO buff, just enough to make her truly lovely – in the sunlight like waves in a golden sea. Athena's pure white teeth gleamed as she grimaced threateningly. Her lips turned a sexy shade of red as blood poured into them from the sheer excitement, and she popped her knuckles angrily but with sexy elegance. It was time for her to seek victory against her dark suitor Hades once more, time for her to seek her destiny, time for -  
  
"Sweet Eru, shut up!" Huan suddenly interrupted, speaking for the first and possibly last time in the entire story. The great wolfhound was sick of such horrible descriptions, and the author didn't continue with the terrible description out of fear.  
  
The Tolkien fans were glad. "We love you, Huan!" And they began to chant: "No more bad descriptions, no more bad descriptions, no more bad descriptions!"  
  
Before Thrór could retort as usual, a horrible shadow fell over the company. To the horror of all except the fearless Athena, the figure of the great Norse wolf Fenrir appeared from behind the tree line, and the wolf howled and bared his fangs. The black hair on his back bristled as he began to circle the group; the defenders meanwhile had dismounted and formed a tight circle around the horses and Éowyn, who cried and screamed in horror. This was not good.  
  
"Dude, I dunno how to fight!" Figwit looked in horror at the sword Éomer had thrust into his hands. The horse lord adjusted the elf's grip, so that his first stroke would not go straight into his ineffectively shod foot. That would, after all, be too easy an escape from battle for the klutzy Sue- friend.  
  
A hand seized Figwit's arm. "Stay with me, Úbennas," Lúthien instructed. "Protect me. I need you." Of course, Lúthien was the last member of the company who really needed protection, but she decided to see if perhaps that silly 'Rivendellish' elf could start changing his crazy and modern ways through some encouragement.  
  
Figwit – err, Úbennas grinned. "I'll do anything for the ladies!" he declared to the elf princess and brandished his sword in a rather unprofessional but able way.  
  
"Look out! Fenrir is a son of Loki!" Thrór yelled, instantly recognizing the wolf. "This is no Greek creature!"  
  
The fighters of the group, Boromir, Gimli, and Éomer, began to advance forward as Fenrir stopped his circling and began to bound at full speed towards the company, but were stopped by Athena. "Curse Hades for sending this evil thing to take me back to the Underworld - I shall slay it right away."  
  
"Uh, Athena, there is no great wolf in Greek mythology. Perhaps in Roman mythology, but even then I don't think the she-wolf mother of Romulus and Remus is quite as powerful as Fenrir." Thrór stamped a hoof uncertainly.  
  
"AH! Nice try, talking horse. I think I know my own mythology!"  
  
"Suit yourself then, fool." It should be impossible for a quadruped to shrug, but the impossibility of an action had never stopped a magical Sue- creature before.  
  
"AAARRGHH! DIE!" Athena Firestone soared forward like a true eagle of the sky and went jumping at Fenrir; the wolf crouched and then sprang at the beautiful girl. Athena spun at him and kicked out one of her perfect legs with the intention of sending Fenrir hurtling backwards with a roundhouse kick, but the wolf was much stronger than she had calculated. Angered by this little fly that dared to annoy him, Fenrir turned on her and, grasping her slender body in his monstrous jaws, began to tear her to shreds. But Zeus' daughter refused to give up and weakly raised her right arm, intending to strike the beast's nose with her sword but failing miserably. Those jade eyes of hers were suddenly filled with beautiful horror.  
  
"Father Zeus! Hear my plea – rescue your daughter from this terrible minion of Hades!" Athena Firestone cried as she became weaker and weaker. How could she not defeat this creature? She was supposed to be able to defeat any creature from Greek mythology . . . but then the girl felt herself fall to the ground with a crash as Gimli's axe crashed into Fenrir's neck.  
  
Boromir charged over and stabbed Fenrir's side, trying unsuccessfully to pierce his heart, while Gimli tried to extract his axe from the wolf's huge neck. Éomer, able to fight at his best when on horseback, had mounted Firefoot and loped over brandishing his large spear. The Man of Rohan sank his weapon into his foe's back but ended up falling short, as Boromir had.  
  
Meanwhile, Fenrir had managed to seize Gimli in his terrible jaws and squeezed the dwarf, but the giant-born son of Loki was attacked once more by the two Men before any damage could be done. Fenrir threw Gimli aside and turned on Éomer. Firefoot gave one of those horrible horse screams and tried to wheel around, for even the brave horse of Rohan was petrified of this Norse beast. His rider tried in vain to turn him around and face the wolf, but this gave Fenrir enough time to slash both horse and rider with his gleaming claws; dark red slashes appeared on poor Firefoot's right side as well as on his rider's lower leg. The horse bucked in the worst way and fled, slamming Éomer, great rider as he was, into the ground. The wolf saw his chance and leapt upon the felled Man, knocking him out cold.  
  
"ÉOMER!" Enraged, Boromir sunk his large sword into Fenrir's hairy pelt with all of his might. The Norse wolf forgot about Éomer and leapt upon Gondor's Captain General, who managed to dodge the next series of blows until Fenrir unexpectedly lunged forward and sank his teeth into his right leg. With a roar of pain and disbelief, Boromir fell to the ground only feet away from Éomer.  
  
Huan, having hung back with his mistress Lúthien Tinúviel and her inexperienced 'Rivendellish' guard, now took the opportunity to attack Fenrir. The hound had defeated Sauron himself and Carcharoth, the most fey Warg in all the history of Middle Earth, but Fenrir was a creature of a foreign pantheon and extremely treacherous to confront, even for a great wolfhound of Valinor. But now that three of the most experienced and best warriors in Middle Earth had been taken down, Huan knew it was time for him to intervene.  
  
The huge Norse wolf turned on the wolfhound, bearing his long yellow fangs. But no wolf, spawn of Loki or minion of Morgoth, was a match for Huan and Fenrir only managed to bite the noble beast's shoulder before he himself was felled by the strongest pair of crushing jaws ever seen in Arda.  
  
"No, no, no! My poor brother! Why did we have to leave the safety of Edoras? We could have stayed and let Théoden King teach us how to make Watermelon Surprise!" Éowyn had crawled pathetically over to her unconscious brother and began to wail.  
  
Trying to ignore the sobs of the once brave and noble shieldmaiden of Rohan, Boromir gave a low groan of pain as he tended to his punctured leg. The holes were fairly deep and would have severely wounded any other man, but this son of Gondor was strong enough to withstand the attack. Plus, it wasn't anything that the ever-magical Lúthien couldn't heal.  
  
Gimli, having been thrown several meters away and fairly unscathed, limped back over to the two Men. The lady Lúthien had rushed over as well to inspect and heal any wounds they had sustained, and after a few minutes Huan returned. Fenrir lay several hundred feet away, bloodstained and lifeless.  
  
Sighing, Thrór trotted over to them all. "I should have known something like this would happen. Fenrir was little less than a god and could hurt the best warrior from any mythology, even one like Glorfindel the Balrog Slayer from Tolkien's world. See, the god Vidar was supposed to kill Fenrir during Ragnarok, and therefore now not only is the mythology of Middle Earth tampered with but that of the Norse lands is as well. Vallawen must have unwittingly let the great wolf into Middle Earth when she and the Norse gods arrived."  
  
"I- I cannot believe it." Only Figwit turned his head to the stunned Athena Firestone. "Hades is growing more and more powerful. That creature . . . if Hades sends more like him then I am doomed! I will be captured and forced to be Hades' bride. Oh, horror of horrors!"  
  
"Don't you get it? That was Fenrir from Norse mythology," began Thrór, but a frown from Lúthien made him stop. The horse understood that Athena mustn't know about Vallawen and began to lie. "I mean, Hades IS growing more and more powerful, Athena. And I can't believe that you couldn't defeat him, but you didn't. What do you have to say about that?"  
  
Athena was as arrogant as ever. "It is all the plan of Zeus. I could have defeated that thing if the three of them hadn't interfered!" And her red lips pouted at the two Men and Gimli, oblivious to the fact that they had saved her life.  
  
"Éomer, Éomer!" His sister threw herself upon his prostrate body and lifted up his head in despair as she frantically attempted to wake him. But the horse lord was already awake and groggy.  
  
"Let my head alone, Éowyn. I'll be fine." Slowly, and not without effort, the Third Marshall and last sane member of the Mark managed to push her off.  
  
"I hope we don't meet anything like that creature again." Boromir growled as Lúthien healed his leg. "If Huan hadn't been here, we would all have been finished." Huan wagged his tail at Boromir's praise, licking the blood from his fur.  
  
"Curse that Vallawen! I knew she'd be the death of us all!" Gimli rubbed his head and sighed. "That is, if Athena Firestone doesn't kill us first."  
  
"Next time I'll handle the bad guy all by myself, all right?" Athena stormed away from the scene and this time not even Figwit followed her.


	14. Dwarves Aren't Just Silly Little Men

Chapter 14: "Dwarves Aren't Just Silly Little Men"

Disclaimer: _The Lord of the Rings_ characters, places, etc. aren't mine. Nothing is mine but the two Sues and Thrór the horse. Okay, I said it even though you already knew. And thanks for the reviews, everyone!

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"Come along, Athena Firestone. The sooner we get along to Minas Tirith, the faster you can see Legolas," Gimli said sweetly as he approached the fuming beauty. He had been the only willing to hunt down the angry Sue – I mean, warrior nymph – once she had stormed away from the scene of Fenrir's demise.

Swan-like neck lifting gracefully, the girl glared at him with teary eyes. She had been crying in anger so hard and for such a long time that if she had been a realistic character her face and eyes would have been reddened to an unflattering and sickly degree, but since she was a Sue her despair and weeping only glorified her glowing white face even more. "What would you know about my love, dwarf?" she snapped, fishing for sympathy which Gimli wasn't about to give her. "Alas, it is doomed! For Hades will surely capture and marry me before I even reach Legolas – that evil wolf creature he sent almost had me!"

Remembering to keep silent about the Norse origins of Fenrir, Gimli simply shrugged and veered away from the subject, saying, "You'll just have to be more careful in the future, I suppose. Luckily we were around to save you from . . . uh, from Hades this time."

Unfortunately being reminded of her own seemingly impossible failure in battle only served to infuriate Athena further, and she yelled, "I could have slain the beast if you idiots hadn't interfered!"

"No, you couldn't have, for even Éomer and Boromir weren't able to slay that creature. Huan was the only one who succeeded. Without him it is possible that all of us would have been mangled and devoured by the supernatural wolf. There is no need to blame us for interfering while attemping to hide your own shame." Glóin's son couldn't believe that he was trying to comfort this wretched child and awkwardly pounded the end of his axe into the ground as he spoke. "There is nothing to be ashamed of. As I said, the wolf nearly killed all of us BUT Huan. You weren't the only one to –"

Athena didn't hear a word he said. Interrupting, she exclaimed, "I know it looked like that wolf beast thing was going to kill me, but if you and those other two morons had just given me a second to collect myself, I would have rejuvenated and slain the beast. Next time don't get involved with my battles! I DON'T need your help." Her lower lip stuck out in a lovely pout.

Trying not to lose his temper with the impossible Athena, the dwarf growled softly, "Sometimes we ALL need help; it is just part of life, and nothing to be ashamed of."

"I only need the help of one man: Legolas. His love is the only thing that can help me!" The stupid drama queen Sue – I mean, warrior nymph – tossed her head defiantly. "The rest of you should just leave me alone!"

"First of all, Legolas isn't a man. Second, where would you be now if we 'just left you alone?' In your heart you know as well as I that you'd be in the belly of a gigantic wolf or out rotting of starvation on the plains of Rohan if we had 'just left you alone.' And lastly, I think you should swallow your pride and accept the fact that you are not a perfect being who can just go around doing whatever she pleases." In this last statement, Gimli son of Glóin voiced the thoughts of Mary Sue haters everywhere.

"Shut up!" Since the girl couldn't even adequately defend herself, she changed the subject to something completely irrelevant and stupid to take the focus off of her failure and began to bash poor Gimli. "I don't even understand why you were part of the Fellowship at all. Two words and two alone describe you: comic relief. You're just a boring old dwarf who does nothing but tag along with my Legolas and crack bad jokes all the time. You serve no purpose in the story."

That was the last straw for Gimli. Even though he was good at keeping his temper in check for as long as he could – much better than Boromir at doing so, anyway – the dwarf couldn't bear to hear this foolish, canon- raping wench degrade his own purpose in the story. He exploded.

"A boring dwarf who tags along with Legolas, am I? A simple joker who has no purpose in the story? Well, I have a funny joke for you – a VERY amusing one indeed! Are you listening? Good. Here it is: One day a dwarf sat with a certain girl who claimed that her father was a god from a foreign pantheon. It was late and the dwarf had been toiling all day long while the girl just fooled around. The dwarf and his friends had fought a truly horrible creature, a creature that had nearly crushed the warrior girl who traveled with them to the size of a button. Since they felt guilty about leaving a helpless, foolish girl in the jaws of such a cruel beast, they had risked their own lives and rescued her, but the girl was not grateful. She just pouted and sulked like a child. So the dwarf went over to calm her down but she continued to act coldly and rudely towards him. His arm was tired from carrying his axe and he wanted to find a nice place to put it so he could rest, and within seconds he knew where the perfect spot to rest his axe was. Do you know where he decided to put it, Miss Firestone? He put it right in the head of the rude girl, who didn't so much as notice the huge axe poking out of the side of her head because her head was empty to begin with! BUWHAHA! Yes, yes! Laugh at my funny joke! Aren't I so bloody amusing?" There was a trace of mania in the dwarf's false laughter, but Athena had not watched enough horror movies (for instance, _Young Frankenstein_) to recognize that he was on the edge of snapping.

Athena wrinkled her nose. "That wasn't a funny joke."

"Yes, that was the funniest joke I've told in years! And since I'm the comic relief of the story, I know a witty remark when I hear it."

"But how could the girl be alive if the dwarf put an axe in her head?" Two jade green orbs stared witlessly at the dwarf. Gimli just stared at her for a moment, turned sharply on his heel, and stalked away. No point in wasting time explaining to her what the joke really meant. She wouldn't understand the true humor involved no matter how hard he tried to explain.

Seeing a completely bewildered and annoyed Gimi walking quickly towards them, Thrór trotted up to him and inquired, "Well, is she coming along? We don't have all day for her to sit over there and sulk."

"I give up, Master Thrór!" The dwarf bellowed. "That creature has no brain in her head whatsoever! I try to comfort her so she will stop fuming and come back over here so we can leave, but she completely misses the point. If you want her to come along, you go talk to her. At this point I wouldn't be disappointed if we continued on for Minas Tirith right now and left her behind." Gimli was beside himself with rage.

"I know, but she's got to come or else she'll run into Vallawen: only the gods know what would happen then. I'll go get her." The horse sighed and trotted over past the enraged Gimli to where Athena still sat crossly on the ground, her arms folded across her like a spoiled child.

"I can't believe that dumb dwarf!" she scowled. "He is supposed to be around for comic relief, but he really isn't amusing at all! If Tolking had been smart, he'd have put a much more useful member in the Fellowship instead of that stupid Gimli."

Turning to the foolish girl, the purpled-eyed talking horse glared at her. "First of all, it's _Tolkien_. And I don't know where you got the idea that Gimli is around only for comic relief. He represents the brave and hardy race of the dwarves in this tale and undergoes his own character development."

"But he IS only around for comic relief." Athena insisted. No Sue would ever be convinced that she was wrong when it came to such a matter, no matter how much proof, or lack thereof, was displayed.

"Explain your reasoning. And it had better be good, or else the readers of this story will just laugh at you even more," said Thrór. He could hardly wait for this explanation and wouldn't be disappointed.

The Sue thought long and hard. "Well," she finally said, "the dwarves in _Snow White and the Seven Dwarves _are silly little men. Plus Gimli's only around to be Legolas's amusing side-kick. He has no real purpose." Everyone knew that the dwarfs of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" had almost as much to do with the brave and hardy race of Dwarves introduced by Tolkien as the wee little elflings of nursery rhymes and fairy tales had to do with the residents of Mirkwood. And the Disney fans came into alliance with the Gimli fans, for the Sue had forgotten how Snow White's starved carcass would likely be moldering in some bright and happy little clearing in the Enchanted Woods, providing a nice snack for the cute baby foxes and badgers if the dwarfs had not accepted her into their home.

"LEGOLAS'S AMUSING SIDE-KICK? Gah, why do I even try?" Thrór scowled. "Gimli is neither Legolas's sidekick nor a just simple character only around for the delight and amusement of others. If you knew anything about the book and Gimli's canonical personality, you would understand how foolish your words are. And while we are on the subject of foolishness, in case you didn't notice, Legolas is hardly the protagonist in this story."

"I know, because BOTH Legolas and I are the protagonist!" exclaimed Athena stupidly. "After all, this is MY story."

"No, it isn't your damn story! You aren't part of the canon."

"Of course I'm not part of a cannon – I'm not made of metal and I don't fire cannon balls, silly horse!" As usual, Athena Firestone's lack of vocabulary was showing.

Thrór knew from experience with Vallawen that the only way he was going to get Athena Firestone to stop feeling sorry for herself and come along to Gondor was to lie and flatter her already overblown ego, as much as he hated to do it. "I was wrong. You and Legolas are the protagonists of this story, and that means we must unite the two of you as soon as possible. Now come on so we can go to Minas Tirith and find him."

The mention of Legolas made Athena sigh. Her eyes shone with glee, and she cried, "You are such a cool horse! Hey, I've got an idea! Maybe the two of us could leave the others behind and go find Legolas ourselves. There would be no smelly dwarf, no evil man, no dumb tag-alongs from Rohan, and no unattractive elf woman and her stupid dog to hinder us. It would be the perfect journey!"

The horse scowled for a second. "I don't think so. I'd rather eat my own head – I mean, uh, it's not a good idea for us to wander away from the group now," he finished cooly, trying to make it appear as though he wanted to befriend the Sue rather than stomp her into the ground.

Athena wavered, turning away from the horse with the large watery magna eyes that Anime fans find so attractive, but really have absolutely no place in any book or live-action canon. Those eyes were a horror reserved for cartoons and poor writers alone, kind of like the bunny slippers that Bakshi's balrog enjoys wearing. "Someone may need protection," Thrór added, not lying so much as obscuring the truth. "And you are the only one who can really fight in this story."

Pressing her large ruby lips together, Athena looked at the horse with her spellbinding green eyes. "Fine. But we'd better find Legolas soon before Hades sends another evil creature after me." And she sprang up onto Thrór's back with the grace of a leaping cat.

Groaning, Thrór considered bucking her off for a moment before composing himself and carrying the Sue – I mean, warrior nymph – back over to the group. "Look who decided to stop fuming and come back!" he cried with mock cheerfulness. No one said anything in reply until Lúthien shrugged her fair shoulders and simply muttered, "Whoopie."

Everyone mounted and rode on, and they entered North Ithilien.

"They are going from Edoras to Minas Tirith and they travel through NORTH ITHILIEN?" yelled the Tolkien fans in disbelief. "Is there simply no respect for Tolkien's maps in this story? It would be much easier to travel down The Great West Road than to go to Ithilien and then have to turn back south to get to Minas Tirith."

"One word: Sueland. Not Middle-earth." Thrór was getting sick of having to quell the anger of the fans time after time again.

The group made their way into a seemingly canonical Ithilien (despite its uncanonical location), and the landscape appeared normal. But unfortunately whenever there is a Sue, there will be problems. And such problems began to occur when the Haradrim showed up.


	15. omgGreek Sue's Mad Fighting Skillz 11

Chapter 15: "omgGreek Sue's Mad Fighting Skillz!11"

Disclaimer: I like Thrór and happily claim him as my own creation. I refuse to claim Vallawen and Athena Firestone as my own, even though they technically are. However almost everything else is the property of J.R.R. Tolkien and his estate or else belongs to ancient mythologies, etc.

I should warn you that Athena's uh, mighty battle cry in this chapter was inspired by an actual Sue story I read not too long ago . . . so before you think that it is completely absurd and that no real Sue would ever use such a stupid battle cry, think again. It is the real deal. And that is very sad.

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The journey through North Ithilien went normally for several hours. Well, as normal as possible with Athena Firestone bragging on and on about her own tragic past as she mangled Greek mythology once again, yelling such absurdities as: "So then brave Hector and I went out and saved the handsome Achilles. And then Agamemnon came out of the rubble and challenged me to hand-to-hand combat. I took up the Golden Fleece and smote him with it! Yet die he did not, for it turned out he was really Hades in disguise! Can you believe it? He tried to trick me AGAIN!"

"Someone has seen that 'Troy' movie one too many times," grumbled Thrór. And of course in the mind of the Suethor, 'Troy' really is the best source imaginable for Greek mythology, even though the best parts were left out or twisted for Hollywood, like everyone's favorite mercenary drag queen Achilles. At any rate, everyone just pretended not to listen to the braggart Sue – I mean, the brave warrior nymph child of Zeus.

"That is the fifty-seventh time Hades has tricked her by pretending to be someone else," commented Gimli with a sigh. "I tire of her stories. They all end the same way: the enemy turns out to be Hades in disguise and then Athena triumphantly chases him away until he returns to do it again."

As Athena prattled mindlessly on, a tremendous bellow sounded across the land without warning, surprising even the horses of Rohan and causing them to rear up. The war towers of three mûmakil could be seen moving towards the group through the large trees at a rapid rate. They had appeared out of nowhere and it would be only a few seconds before the beasts, as well as the foot soldiers of Harad, were upon them.

"Haradrim! HIDE!" Boromir ordered, knowing that this was no time for a battle with the Southrons. He led the group back into a particularly brushy area nearby and after hiding their horses behind the tallest trees in the vicinity, they all hid among the rocks and bushes, waiting for the enemy to appear and praying that they wouldn't be seen.

"Save me, Éomer. Save me!" whimpered Éowyn furiously as she pathetically crawled between her brother and Boromir in an attempt to seek protection. "I 'm so afraid."

Gimli gave the formerly fearless shieldmaiden of Rohan a comforting smile. "Worry not, Lady Éowyn," he said. "No harm will come to you." But Éowyn continued to quiver and clung to the hapless Éomer with a death-grip.

Leaning against the soft bulk of Huan, Lúthien settled down comfortably, showing no concern about the approaching troops. Figwit sat nearby. He hadn't been acting as empty-headed as usual, even though he still had his moments, for his new name and the very presence of Tinúviel had begun to quell the teenage and "elfish" urges inside of him; slowly he was beginning to change into a real elf of Arda.

"Oh, no!" Horror filled Athena's jade eyes as she lay gracefully onto the ground in fear. "Hades has sent his evil army out to find me!"

"Just be silent and they won't see us." Lúthien was in no mood to argue about how this particular army had nothing to do with Greek mythology as the girl implied, but luckily others who were more than willing to lecture the naïve Athena about mangling Greek mythology still watched from afar:

"For the last time, Hades isn't after you because HE IS NOT EVIL, YOU MORON," howled the Tolkien fans.

Oblivious to the cries to reason, Athena suddenly laughed bravely and lifted herself off of the ground. "I cannot be afraid of Hades now! Not with Legolas so close! So worry not, my companions; I shall slay the army from the Underworld that now threatens us."

Boromir settled himself down against a rock and groaned. "Then go now and slay them, brave Athena Firestone," he said sarcastically, "and we shall see how long it takes for them to completely eviscerate you." Turning to Gimli, he muttered, "She is doomed. Since she lost her battle with the giant wolf, she stands no chance against five hundred Haradrim."

"I'll give her twenty counts before she dies," Éomer butted in.

"She'll last no more than ten counts without any magic to help her," Lúthien Tinúviel decided lazily.

Thrór knew better. "We shall see. Don't be surprised if she defeats all of them single-handedly."

Eyebrow raising skeptically, Gimli yawned. "I'll believe it when I see it, Master Thrór."

"Then start watching," the magical horse put in with a long toss of his mane. "I'll give you three-to-one odds on ten counts," Gimli responded cynically. The others then got down to the important business of wagering whilst the subject of their discussion "siked" herself for battle. Oh, and if any readers out there are squeamish when it comes to nauseating Sue descriptions, it is best if they skip the next couple of paragraphs.

Athena Firestone crept as noiselessly as a ghost towards the unsuspecting Haradrim – oops, I mean minions of 'teh 3vil Hades.' Her brow furrowed in determination; her eyes glittered with anticipation. Not a hint of fear existed on her lovely face even though she was about to face five hundred of the most fiercesome warriors in Middle-earth, and birds sang joyfully around her as though they could sense her majesty. But the girl was as silent as death itself; not even the wind dared to stir her warm locks as she froze in a crouching position. As the Haradrim approached, a terrible tremble rushed over her muscled body as she thought of how miserable Hades had made her life. After all, the cruel god had kept her away from her beloved Legolas and tried everything in his power to make her his own against her will. Thinking of Hades caused the tragedy of her past to emerge from the back of her mind, and she remembered the angst that dominated her young life, but now she had the chance to defeat these wild men-servants of the God of the Underworld and once again show that she would not be taken without a fight.

Her breath came in soft blows. Her gorgeous but dreadful eyes gazed wrathfully upon her five hundred victims. Her body was a statue. Her enemies were only feet away now as she hid in the brush. It was almost time to strike! Hate filled her tragic face as she thought of the many times Hades had tricked her. The Haradrim – I mean, Minions of Hades – were practically right on top of her. The tension was terrible. Yes, YES, it was time! THIS WAS IT! And she sprang.

"Hiiyyaaaaah!" Zeus' warrior nymph child screamed as her strong-but-not-so-strong-as-to-be-unfeminine arms wrapped around the neck of the closest enemy and snapped his neck. "YAH!"

Five hundred pairs of brown eyes (more or less, accounting for the occasional eye-patch, light hazel-eyed individual or magical purple-eyed horse) turned in as she seized a long and conveniently placed pike from the ground and dramatic fight music began to play. Boromir exasperatedly scanned the woods for musicians, with as much luck as he had had the last time.

"Hiiiiyaah!"

One hundred Haradrim fell dead just from the sheer terror they experienced from hearing her feral, blood-curdling battle cry. Some of Athena's comrades also looked about ready to die from the shrill voice.

"HIYAH!"

Three hundred and fifty of 'teh 3vil men of Hades' were impaled together on the ridiculously long and conveniently placed pike that Athena had taken from the ground. Yes, all three hundred and fifty were impaled in a line on the ridiculously long pike. Don't ask me how the warrior nymph accomplished this – she just did because she is speshul like that.

"Hiyah! HIyah! HiyAH! YAAAAAAAWWAH!"

Two mûmakil screamed and fell to the ground as Athena Firestone approached them. The sheer glory radiating from her body had killed the poor beasts. But one of the great creatures was evil enough to withstand her brilliance and charged her with a deafening cry, and she pounced on it like a flea pounces on a dog, yelling and screeching like a beautiful banshee. Digging her perfect nails into the hard flesh, Athena pulled herself up onto the back of the huge mammoth-like creature with ease, and after dodging hundreds of skillfully placed arrows from the twenty men on its back, the amazing girl easily killed all of the riders with a series of perfect kicks and punches. Then she threw her ridiculously long pike into the hard skull of the creature and, as it bellowed one last cry in the throes of death, she nimbly leapt from the head and slid down the trunk in an 'omg I'm such teh coolies' manner just like hawt Orli – I mean, hawt Legolas – in the movie, lol!1

The readers who actually like to read about Sues (and hopefully there are none reading this parody) were amazed by her bravery, and there was much rejoicing.

Meanwhile, a safe distance away, the others just stared in disbelief. Letting his head fall to the ground in exasperation, Gimli snorted angrily. "She took out five hundred Haradrim but couldn't hold her own against that Fenrir creature? That makes no sense."

"She's a Sue. She doesn't have to make sense," Thrór grinned as he rolled his outrageously colored eyes in the direction of the massacre.

"Unbelievable. Unbelieveable." Éomer was at a loss for words. Boromir just shook his head as though in a trance.

"This is silly," grumbled Lúthien. The elf princess glared daggers at Athena Firestone as the Sue stood in all her overblown glory on the battlefield. "I might be a bit of a Canon Sue, but at least I'm not completely perfect and fearless like she is. I even fainted upon first glimpsing Sauron in his wolf-form, for crying out loud."

Peering out from behind the rock she and Figwit err, I mean, Úbennas, had been hiding near, Éowyn gaped at the fearless Sue – I mean, warrior nymph – and whispered, "Goodness! Athena is certainly brave to go out and risk breaking a nail or dirtying her dress like that."

Her brother just grumbled irritably. "Be silent, Éowyn," he ordered. He did know how much longer he could take this danity, dirt-conscious Éowyn.

It was then Athena daintily smelled the air. Something wasn't right...

"We are surrounded!" she cried without warning, and seized her pike as she prepared for another battle. "But don't worry; I shall defeat these foes just as easily as I defeated the others." And leaping towards the tree line and the unseen threat, Athena Firestone, the brave warrior daughter of Zeus, gave her oh-so-scary battle cry once more: "Hiiiyaaahh!"

"HALT!" Boromir's voice boomed out from behind her like a tremendous explosion in such a horrible way that even the brave young warrior nymph was startled by it for a moment and stopped in her attack. "Halt there, Athena Firestone," he repeated in a softer but no less commanding tone. Studying the surrounding area, he gave a low and nonchalant whistle, and almost immediately his call was answered by a similar one that originated from somewhere nearby in the brush.

Her sumptuous red mane with the silver highlights glistening in the sunlight and her face flushed enchantingly from the delight of battle, Athena shot Boromir a dark glare. "Knock it off – you are going to give away our location to whatever is out there! Fool!"

Holding back a snort of laughter, Boromir stopped cautiously stealing through the brush and walked openly out to Athena's side. "I think you've already given our location away," he observed, indicating the five hundred dead Haradrim and three deceased mûmakil. "Now why don't you just stand here quietly until I've negotiated with the 'enemy' hiding in the woods?"

"No, we've got to kill them before they capture and take me to Hades! HIYAH!" Athena moved as if to raise her ridiculously long and conveniently placed spear, now cleared of corpses. It was apparent that she was ready to attack any and all who came near, regardless of the side they were on.

"No." Boromir seized her by the arm before she could move. "You will stand here until I'm finished speaking with them." Athena opened her mouth to argue with him but changed her mind when he gave her a threatening look. "Don't make me tell you again," he finished.

"Jerk," she muttered under her breath.

By this time, as anyone familiar with The Lord of the Rings would have suspected, several dozen camouflaged Ithilien Rangers crept warily out of the surrounding area; one in particular rapidly outdistanced the others and strode over to the Captain General with no hesitation. "Boromir!" he cried.

"Faramir!" With a rough (and ruggedly handsome) smile, Boromir clasped his brother to his chest as a cloaked ranger fired at the beta reader of this story; as the latter had been making another sad attempt at winning over the Legolusters to the fine art of Boromania.

"My brother! What brings you to Ithilien? Did you make it to Rivendell and ask Lord Elrond the meaning of the riddle? You must tell me!"

"Yes, I was in Rivendell and found the meaning of the riddle. But now we must discuss something far more important." Boromir pulled his brother aside. "Faramir, listen closely. When a company of us left Rivendell to undertake a great but terrible mission, a mission I will describe to you in private, a dreadful creature accompanied us as far as the dark mines of Moria before one of my companions, Gimli the dwarf, and I decided that we couldn't – no wait, I do not want to discuss this further until we are completely alone."

Faramir listened to his brother. "Yes, it sounds as though the news you bring would be best discussed in private." And then to the horror of everyone, the ranger turned to Athena Firestone and kissed her hand. "And who is this beautiful lady?" he asked.

"Why, I am Athena Firestone, daughter of the Great Zeus and Savior of Middle-earth!" she giggled.

Frozen, Boromir's eyes never left Faramir. He hadn't even considered the possibility of his brother being corrupted by the Sue's presence as Théoden King and numerous other canon characters had been, and was afraid to see if the unthinkable was true, that Faramir would be infatuated with the Sue and fight for her as the Fellowship had.

And before the story could progress any further, the Tolkien fans got rowdy. "FARAMIR HAD BETTER NOT BE CORRUPTED BY THE SUE OR ELSE WE'LL KILL THE AUTHOR!"

"Oh, give it a rest!" yelled Thrór irritably. "You'll find out soon enough. Now back to the action."

"This is quite an honor, Athena," Faramir said softly. "I've never seen anyone kill so many Haradrim single-handedly."

Her eyes glittering in the midday sun, the girl simply dismissed his compliment with a wave of her hand. "It was nothing," she said. "I've been through much worse!"

"Brother, I really must speak with you in private –" Boromir began, but he was immediately interrupted by Athena who was ever eager to tell of her own great exploits.

Her voice sounding like the gently flowing of a stream on a warm summer's day, Athena proceeded to tell some random and stupid tale about how she personally slew two Balrogs that Hades sent along with a chimera and a cyclops to kill her. As she spoke, Faramir stared at her with a look of . . . a look of . . . well, Boromir couldn't tell what it was exactly. His brother was just standing there with one eyebrow cocked and his mouth half-open in either a gaze of awe or complete skepticism.

"And then I leapt onto the back of the cyclops and we rode away into the sunset, my mission accomplished and Hades defeated for the time being," Athena breathlessly finished, looking to Faramir for praise.

"You certainly are amazing to have defeated two Balrogs, my lady," he conceded but then unexpectedly finished by saying, "But if you'll excuse me, I must speak with my brother privately for a moment. It's been a while since I've seen him, you understand."

Disapointed, the warrior nymph sighed. "Well, if you must. I can tell you more of my cool stories when you get back." And she turned to the other rangers and began subjecting them to her horrible stories.

Seizing Boromir by the arm, Faramir hauled his brother a good distance away without difficulty. Once they were out of earshot, he released his hold on Boromir and turned to him with a gloomy and irritated look. "Why did you bring that Sue here? Just when I think Middle-earth is rid of Sues, another one shows up, thanks to those foolish teeny bopper fan fiction writers! This one doesn't want to marry me, does she? I've had quite enough of that."

Sighing with relief, Boromir ignored his question. "I was afraid you had been corrupted by the Sue," he said with a laugh. "But you were just being your extremely polite and semi-Stuish self."

His brother snorted. "Very amusing. I might be something of a Stu but at least I am canonical. Now tell me what is going on. Why is she here?"

So Boromir briefed his brother on the events that had occurred since his arrival in Rivendell. He told of Vallawen, Thrór, the Fellowship of ten, the coming of Lúthien Tinúviel and Huan, and of Figwit and the ever brave Athena Firestone, but when he got to the part of his tale where Théoden King had volunteered to cook for Athena's wedding to Legolas, Faramir held up a hand in disgust, forcing him to stop.

"No more! I don't think I can stand to hear another word. Now we must consider what we should do next. I understand that you bring Athena Firestone here to keep her away from that Vallawen creature, but you know as well as I that they will eventually have to meet if they both desire the same elf. Nothing will keep either of them from their 'Leggy Weggy'."

"I know. I thought I'd speak with Father about how to proceed."

"Indeed, that sounds like the best course of action to follow at this point. Now take me over to your company – I wish to meet this magical talking horse and Lúthien Tinúviel. As for the Sue, I'll keep my distance if possible."


	16. uh, Minas Tirith?

Chapter 16: "Uh, Minas Tirith?"

Disclaimer: Insert witty disclaimer here.

Sorry that this chapter is a bit short, but don't worry. I shall make it up to you in the next one when everyone's favorite steward shows up. :D

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Athena had become excited and chatty once Faramir arrived and pestered him ceaselessly as they rode out of Ithilien and to Osgiliath on the road to Minas Tirith. "Oh Faramir," she purred, her jade eyes sparkling magically. "Would you like to hear about the time I saved Medea from the Cyclops?"

As if the reader didn't know, Sues tend to pity Faramir because he isn't his father's favorite and, thanks to the movie, they think that Denethor really did send him out to die so they often needlessly come to his defense. In their attentiveness to "po0or witle Fairimir," they forget that the captain of the rangers already has an elder brother to do that for them.

"I would, but I'm sure you are very tired, Athena. Don't bother wearing yourself out with a story." Faramir was trying his hardest to avoid another one of her screw-ball stories without being too impolite. Everyone else had given up on even speaking with her long before.

The girl smiled. "It would be no trouble at all! In fact I'll start from the very beginning of my life so you can hear my tragic but valiant life story."

"NO!" Gimli was horrified but Athena gave him no heed.

"Many, many years ago, the planets were new and the universe had been divided up between the two supreme gods: Clytemnesta and Castor," she began, just as she had before. "Then one day the stars of Libra aligned with those of Gemini, and the heavens despaired for this was the sign much dreaded: the sign of the beginning of a new world."

"A whole new world?" her unfortunate only listener asked solicitously, hoping the sarcasm was not laid on too thickly.

He needn't have worried, though, because Éomer was mouthing, "You have no idea." While the Third Marshall never ostensibly looked up from cleaning his knife, there were no doubts as to what he really wished to do with the blade.

Thrór wasn't about to sit through 83 hours of Greek mythology mangling as he had before. As Athena rattled on, he unexpectedly threw his head to the ground and kicked his hindquarters into the air as high and as hard as he could, snorting and grunting with anger, and the beauty on his back went flying off with a shrill cry.

"AHH! Stop, horse! Just what do you think you are doing!" she howled, making sure the reader heard the multiple punctuation marks. "You threw me off!"

His long silver mane tossing in the wind, the magical horse pranced about and rolled his purple eyes with brilliantly-acted fear. "I thought I smelled danger, that's all," he lied. "Sometimes I get a bit excited if I think an enemy is near." Inside, however, Thrór was filled with glee. The only reason he had allowed the Sue – I mean, warrior nymph – on his back at Edoras was so he could buck her off at an opportune moment, something which he had always longed to do to Vallawen but never got the chance to.

"Well, stop it! I'll tell you if there's any danger around. I can smell Hades a mile away, you fool," sulked Athena Firestone as she daintily lifted herself off of the ground, not a hair out of place, and leapt back onto Thrór's back. "Now what was I saying?" she asked, looking at Faramir for help.

"Uh, I think you finished." The steward's youngest son held his breath, praying to Eru that she would believe him. He didn't want to hear anymore of her crappy story.

"Oh. All right." Athena fell silent while the others breathed with relief.

Three minutes later, the entire group had crossed the bridge at Osgiliath as well as the Pelennor and made it to Minas Tirith in record time.

"I am getting really sick of this whole skewered geography mess," grumbled Gimli as he glared at the above sentence.

"Never mind that. We are in Minas Tirith and can soon meet with our father," said Boromir as he and Faramir led the company through the tiered layers of the city. "I'm sure he'll help us sort out this mess."

The guards at the Gate of Minas Tirith froze and stared long and hard at the elves, Huan, and the strangely colored horse that traveled with their leaders. But it was the wonderfully fantasic Athena Firestone who held their gazes the longest as she rode past in all her splendor.

Still clinging with one arm to poor Gimli like a fungus, Éowyn smoothed her filthy pants and attempted to make her hair look more presentable while saying in a lady-like whisper, "I must find a dress here, for these pants are simply dreadful! All of the women are staring at me like I'm some kind of heathen! And after that I think I'll do some sewing, and at night I can wait on the men while they sit around the fire telling manly stories!" She sighed with delight, thinking of all the handsome men she would meet. Faramir did a double take as she said this while her brother just shook his head helplessly. However her statement reminded Éomer of the disturbing scene they had left at Edoras.

"What if Lord Denethor has been corrupted by the Sue's presence like Théoden King was?" he asked the Gondorians with concern. The idea was too terrible for him to contemplate more than a few seconds, but both Boromir knew better and eased his fears.

"My father corrupted by the Sue? Surely you jest, my friend. Sues don't bother him," he explained once again. "He is pure evil in their eyes and they think they don't even have to try and make him worse. And that works to our advantage."

As they went through Minas Tirith, that famed city, our favorite "Rivendellish" elf gaped at the surroundings, taking in everything with awe as he rode next to Gimli, Éowyn, and Lúthien. "Cool, man! This city is, like, right out of the Middle Ages!" Figwit excitedly exclaimed. "I can't wait to check out the bathrooms!"

Her shining eyes filling with exasperation, Lúthien looked over at him disapprovingly. "Úbennas, we talked about this. You are not from Modern Earth; you are an elf from Middle-earth. So act like one!"

To the surprise of all, Figwit – er, Úbennas – lowered his head in apology, genuinely ashamed that he had upset the legendary elf princess. "Forgive me, Lady Lúthien," he said in a fairly normal voice. "I shall try not to forget again."

"Thank you, Úbennas." She smiled warmly at him.

"You are most welcome, m'lady."

Gimli snorted with surprise. "And I thought that he couldn't be changed," the dwarf joyfully commented to Lúthien in an undertone. "Thank the Valar that you've managed to show him the error of his ways."

However it was obvious that Athena hadn't noticed the change in her "elfish" companion, however, for currently she was pouting because she hadn't been allowed to lead the group through the city. Her cheeks were beautifully flushed and her hair gleamed lusciously as she rode through the streets, causing everyone in the vicinity to notice her.

With a glance at his glorious traveling companion, Úbennas' heart was set on fire."Milady?" he asked Lúthien sheepishly with a small wave for the crowd. "Are you sure that this will get her to like me?"

"Yes, my friend. I promise." The elven princess smiled at him kindly. She wanted to help this wayward being. "If you act like a canonical elf, she will love you!" Obviously this was a lie since Sues hate anything canonical, but Úbennas suspected nothing.

Overhearing, Gimli muttered through clenched teeth, "Trust me, anyone with a stomach and half of a brain will like you more this way." Then, thinking on it a bit, he smiled and finished, "If you're referring to that Firestone girl, however, I'm not sure it makes much of a difference."

The residents of Minas Tirith were just as bad as those of Edoras. Even though the main Gondorian characters hadn't been corrupted by the Sue, the nameless rabble of ordinary citizens had been and cries of "Look! It's Athena Firestone, the great daughter of Zeus! She has come to save Gondor from Hades!" rang through the streets. And there was much rejoicing throughout the city (and selling of questionable food items. Salesmen have a knack for showing up with any big crowd). But their praise was the last thing on Athena's mind.

"Where is Legolas?" she demanded of Boromir and Faramir. "Where is my beloved? I must meet him as quickly as possible so we may be wed before Hades gets his hands on me, for Legolas and I are as the sun and the moon, the yin and the yang, and the rose and the rain. We must be united for Hades to be stopped. Our love is so pure and wonderful that even the most hateful creatures, such as the god of the Underworld, can't hurt me if I am by his side. True, I have never met him before, but Father Zeus destined us to be together forever. And how handsome he is! His blue eyes are just like the deepest blue in the ocean, his hair is like silk with the color of new corn and gold mixed together, and his face – oh, his face!"

"MAKE IT STOP!" yelled the Tolkien fans and anyone else who knew a bad description when they saw one. "No more crappy Orli- uh, Legolas descriptions from the Sue! This story is bad enough already!"

"His shoulders are so strong, his neck muscles are perfectly toned, the chin that captivates all who see him is such a beautiful sight, and those nimble legs are gorgeous!" gushed Athena as her own lovely green eyes with numerous colors mixed in glittered, unconcerned with the building wrath of the Tolkien fans. "Now where is my love? Is he up at the top of this city?"

"No, Legolas has gone out," lied an annoyed Faramir, who had been informed of the situation by his brother. "But do not fret – he shall return before the sun rises. For now we go to the citadel to see Lord Denethor."

Annoyance spread over Athena's face like a wildlife, and the delightful glitter in her eyes vanished. "Denethor?" she asked with visible disgust. "You mean that ugly old man who eats like a hog? I don't wish to see him – he is mean and dies in the end anyway." Her deep, luxurious red hair had fallen over her shoulders and she pushed it back carelessly. "I hate that guy. He is such a fool. After all he sends his own son – you, Faramir – out to die! But it is kinda funny when Gandalf smacks him with his staff!" She giggled irritatingly.

"How dare you speak of –" Boromir began threateningly but was silenced by a look from his brother.

"No, Boromir! Let her see for herself," whispered Faramir prudently, trying to calm his quick-tempered brother.

Gondor's Captain-General reluctantly relented. "Very well," he agreed. "Hopefully Father will teach her who the true fool of this story is."

When they reached the fourth circle of the city, the group was mobbed by a crowd of ecstatic citizens who crowded the horses as they tried to reach and touch the amazing and godly Athena Firestone.

"Let me touch thy hand, Lady Firestone," a pale woman cried as she threw herself against Thrór to grasp Athena's boot. "I am afflicted with stomach pains! Heal me with thy internal light! Many times have I prayed to the goddess Hera for relief and received nothing."

"Hera?" Athena asked with disgust. "You don't pray to Hera, stupid woman! You pray to the goddess Circe for healing of an illness. GAH! Doesn't anyone know about Greek mythology around here? But I shall heal you, for I am as powerful as any god when it comes to such matters." And laying her perfectly manicured hand onto the woman's arm, the Sue – I mean, warrior nymph – receited a strange chant. "YAYAYA! Hackalokinus zam! You are cured, good woman!" she said when she had finished, and the woman stepped away, thinking that this impertinent girl had really healed her from whatever affliction ailed her.

"Lady Athena! Will Zeus truly rescue Minas Tirith from Hades?" yelled a young man.

"Of course, for I am sent to save all the citizens of this fair city of Zeus from the destruction of that vile god of the Underworld. Worry not, good people!"

A woman fell down in the streets dramatically. "Praise Zeus!"

As more and more people clamored to speak with or touch her, Athena stifled a yawn. "Now look here," she informed her fans haughtily, revealing her true nature. "I have no time for all of you now; you annoy me and halt my progress into the city. If you want to help me, go prepare for my wedding to Prince Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood - find the best foods and decorations for us. It shall be the wedding of the century!"

And the citizens of Minas Tirith departed immediately to do her bidding, crying, "Athena, Athena, Athena has come! All sing her praise!"

"I suddenly feel ill," said Éomer grimly.

Thrór laughed. "Tell me about it."


	17. Denethor vs teh Almighty Sue omglol

Disclaimer: I own only what you don't recognize. In other words, I own about three characters. The rest belong to Tolkien or New Line Cinema.

There is only one word for this chapter: DENETHOR! (Everyone applauds)

Update: I actually had to repost this chapter because I accidentally posted the unedited version originally. Sorry for any confusion.Much thanks to WargishBoromirFan as always. Hope you all like this chapter (cough)reviewplease(cough) - I really enjoyed writing it.

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Upon reaching the Court of the Fountain, the group dismounted and the horses of Rohan were led away as was customary, but the guards met strong opposition once they attempted to lead Thrór after the others. Boromir demanded that the magical horse be allowed to accompany the others to see Lord Denethor but still the guards balked at the idea of allowing the strangely colored one access to the citadel. It took several minutes of strong persuasion by the steward's sons for them to reluctantly let Thrór pass through the gate. Interestingly enough, Huan was allowed through without opposition.

Athena Firestone sulkily followed the others until she saw the White Tree of Gondor, dead and pathetic as it stood dully in the sun. "Oh, no!" she cried. "Look at that poor tree! Someone really should have put it out of its misery long ago. Yet now I am here to rescue it from doom, for I can heal all living things." And a single glistening tear ran down her rosy cheek as she leapt at the tree and, to the horror of Boromir and Faramir, the Fountain Guards made no move to halt her.

"STOP HER! I ORDER YOU TO STOP HER!" the Captain General bellowed to no avail.

"Why?" asked one of the guards, even though he wasn't allowed to speak. "She is Athena Firestone, nymph daughter of Zeus. If anyone can heal the White Tree, she can."

A wide-eyed Faramir snarled at them. "No one is to touch the tree! Stop her now!" And he seized a pike from one of them, preparing to go after Athena Firestone himself.

By this time, Athena had leapt over the side of the fountain and into the water next to the tree (but of course she didn't get a bit wet). Compassionately she cried, "I shall heal thee, Tree!" One of her gorgeous and pure hands reached out to touch the dead bark - had it been alive, the White Tree would have mostly certainly eyed her with fear and annoyance.

A firm hand stopped her before any damage could be done, as the reader knows as well as I do that she would have destroyed that tree had she touched it. "You cannot help this tree," Lúthien Tinúviel said. "Step away from it now."

Frightened by the cold grey eyes in front of her, the warrior nymph stepped down, glaring to hide her alarm. "Who are you to say, elf? I can heal ALL creatures. I was the one to heal Tantalus after he fell hundreds of feet down Mount Olympus, for crying out loud. Let me do my duty. Though I am a battle-weary warrior, my heart also carries compassion for the living creatures of this earth." Which is why Athena kills them, to save the poor beings that are misfortunate to enter her presence from the further discomfort of having to listen to her.

"Quiet!" Lúthien's face was terrible. "You bring only death with you, Athena Firestone," she continued, falling into a rage. "Warrior nymph you are? I think not! Harbinger of Doom is more like it. The canon is all but dead because of you, Middle Earth is disheveled because of you -"

"And Tolkien is spinning in his grave because of you!" the Tolkien fans finished for her with delight.

"I would kill you now had I not been forbidden to do so!" Lúthien took a threatening step towards the Sue - I mean, warrior nymph, - as though she were about to give the girl a good bitch-slap.

Frightened by the powerful elf princess, Gimli made his way over to her side and took her arm. "My lady," he urgently said, "I beg of you to refrain from yelling at the Sue; we both know that she doesn't understand a word you say. Please, Lady Lúthien, let us go for a walk around the citadel so you can calm a bit."

Composing herself, Ilúvatar's Fairest Daughter shut her eyes for a moment and her face transformed from being horrible to beautiful and calm once more. With a sigh, she said, "Forgive me, Gimli. But worry not - I will restrain myself from doing so again."

For her part, an unconcerned Athena just stared at Lúthien, comprehending nothing that was just said. "I shall leave the tree alone," she declared as though she had decided this for herself. "It is doomed. I have more important things to think about besides a dumb tree anyway - things like Legolas!"

The rest of the group, relived that no fight had taken place between the Sue and anyone who had tried to stop her from killin- uh, healing the tree, headed into the Court of the Fountain. The guards there immediately allowed them inside, throwing strange at Thrór, Huan, Lúthien Tinúviel, and Figwit/Úbennas only to be replaced by loving and compassionate ones when the godly Athena Firestone came into view.

Inside, Denethor sat at his small chair below the throne as was usual, his face stony and impassive as he watched the doors open before him. Sighing, he prepared himself for his visitors and sat up straight and rigid with his mouth in an emotionless line - he was so commanding that one might have mistaken him for a statue depicting the personification of authority. But when his guests entered the hall, his face lit up with pure joy upon recognizing that beloved face in the front of the group.

"Boromir, my son!" The steward embraced his son once his guests had reached the throne. "My heart greatly delights in seeing you. I knew you would return quickly but I didn't think it would be this fast."

As Boromir and Denethor reunited, Athena Firestone leaned over to Faramir and whispered, "They make me sick! Your father is so cruel - he ignores you and favors Boromir even though Boromir is so much less a man than you."

Turning to the girl, Faramir irritably replied, "Do not speak of my brother that way, for one in Gondor can rival him! Yes, my father favors him, and this I have learned to accept with a heavy heart, but Boromir does not flaunt his position as the favorite son; instead he pities and shows me support, defending me if Father criticizes my actions unfairly." The ranger paused for a moment, pushing back his hurt towards Denethor for treating him so harshly and summoning the love for his father from his heart before continuing, "As for my father, he loves me - I know he does. He just doesn't show it openly a majority of the time, but the love is there, regardless of how badly he reprimands me. We are so alike that sometimes I think he judges me more harshly than Boromir only because he sees so much of himself in me and that greatly disturbs him for some reason or another. Yes, I am hurt by this, but I also know that I am not to blame for his bitterness. Do you understand?"

But Athena Firestone didn't answer. She had lost interest about the second Faramir began to speak of how great his brother was and was now once again scowling at Denethor and Boromir.

With a sign, Faramir shrugged. He should have known that trying to explain his true relationship with his brother and father to a Sue would be futile, so he stealthily moved away from Athena and stood by Éomer and Gimli, safely away from the Sue - I mean, warrior nymph - for the moment.

Meanwhile Boromir had introduced the members of the company in turn, and his father politely acknowledged each of them in turn, smiling his usual ambiguous smile; the steward seemed genuinely delighted by his guests but showed no surprise even as the legendary Lúthien Tinúviel and the talking horse of the Norse were presented to him, something which confounded even Faramir. After all, who wouldn't be surprised to see the most beautiful child of Ilúvatar or a magical talking horse in front of him?

"And this is Gimli son of Glóin," Boromir finished, having introduced his companions from Rohan and Úbennas. He motioned to the dwarf, who bowed his head respectfully to Denethor. "Gimli has been an irreplaceable companion in this journey for more reasons than I could ever list. I do not know what evil might have befallen me if he hadn't supported and accompanied me from the beginning - I shall explain why in a moment when we are alone."

"Then Gimli son of Glóin is most welcome in Gondor," said Denethor. "It appears we owe him much."

"Many thanks, Lord Denethor." Gimli was a bit abashed at such praise. "But you owe me nothing."

"Nonsense! I'm sure you have been an invaluable ally to my son in whatever events have befallen you on the journey from Rivendell to Minas Tirith."

As his father spoke to the dwarf, Boromir sighed and looked at Faramir who shot him a helpless look back. They both knew the inevitable moment had arrived, that one more person remained to be presented to Denethor, and that person was Athena Firestone (what joy!). Clearing his throat, the steward's oldest son rolled his eyes and began, "And this is Athena -" but never got the chance to finish. How sad for him.

"NO! You didn't start right, fool!" cried that sparkling voice, filled with magic, wonder, and an anger that was still quite charming. The Sue - I mean, warrior nymph - charged forward and spoke to Denethor without so much as bowing her head in respect first, crying, "I am known as many things: Zeus' Only Daughter, The Fair Child of the Gods, The Destined Slayer of Hades, Firestone of the Great Hearth, Elf-lover, Great Daughter of the Magical Silver Swords, Savior of Troy, Child of the Flowing River -"

"And you must be Athena Firestone," interrupted the steward, glancing nonchalantly at the girl even as she spewed forth her many stupid titles. "I've heard about you - you don't respect the canon!" he finished simply.

The others shared confused glances. How could Denethor have heard about Athena?

"We already know how he heard," gloated the Tolkien fans. "Palantir, anyone?"

"Will you be QUIET?" hollered Thrór, and the Tolkien fans gleefully shut up, waiting to see how Denethor would handle the Sue.

Enraged by the steward's statement, the Sue - I mean, warrior nymph stamped her foot. "Well you don't respect human life or the true king of Gondor!" Athena shouted hatefully as she tossed her shiny red hair with the silver highlights in defiance, her green eyes full of vigor. The girl pointed an accusing finger at the old man. "You send your own son out to die!" Her chin raised in triumph and she allowed herself a small-but-still-perfect smile.

Staring down the Sue - I mean, warrior nymph with an air of superiority, Denethor coolly replied, "He volunteered among many other captains. I sent no one out to die."

Her head now lowered in confusion, Athena tried again. "You are a coward! You wouldn't light the signal so Rohan would come! Gandalf had to get Pippin to do it."

"No, I'm fairly positive that I order the beacons lit, Athena Firestone." Denethor's apparent lack of concern fuelled the anger of the girl.

"No you didn't! Pippin did."

"Have you read the book lately?"

"How dare you treat me this way! Of course I have!"

"Really?" Denethor's mild stare could bore a hole through the Sue's empty head. Many a strong man had broken down crying before it.

"Well . . ." Knowing that she really knew nothing about the book, Athena scowled, unwilling to let this crude old man get the best of her. She continued, "But you are rude and ill-tempered! Not like my Legolas, who is kind, gently, loving, handsome, gorgeous -"

"Come to the point, girl." Denethor refused to show his temper around this worthless thing, but the gnat's buzzing was beginning to irritate him.

"The point is that you are as bad as Hades!"

"Who is Hades?" It was times like this that made him wish he'd invested in a scorpion pit.

"I mean, you are as bad as Sauron!"

"Am I?" Perhaps Saruman's Warg pit wouldn't be too far to drag her. With the geography of Middle-earth so disfigured, it was impossible to tell. Nevertheless, as one of the good guys, much less as Steward of Gondor, it was Denethor's responsibility to manage such threats to his kingdom.

"Of course!" The lovely nymph thought a moment and then knew exactly how to end the conversation triumphantly and she pointed out (what she thought was) a crucial point. "Gandalf has to smack you with a stick to make you behave," Athena said proudly. "And that proves how bad you are!"

"Mithrandir, or Gandalf as you call him, would have more respect than to do that," laughed Denethor. "Where do you come up with this nonsense, Athena Firestone?" The steward stared her down curiously as she scrambled to find another point to attack him with.

"Well, uh, well you are a horrible eater! You slobber all over the place, and it is so gross."

"Would you care to challenge me to an eating contest? Whoever eats the most neatly wins." And Denethor cocked an eyebrow, took several grapes from a bowl he had placed nearby for just such an occasion, and delicately put them into his mouth, chewing modestly, as though to prove his point. "You see," he said when he had finished; "Just because I have lost all hope by the end doesn't mean I'm a complete idiot."

That was enough for Athena. She threw him a final abhorrent glare and fled the room dramatically, crying with spite, "Curse you, old man! We shall see who is the wisest in the end once my Legolas comes and I save Middle Earth from Hades!"

The large doors slammed shut behind her, and almost immediately Denethor turned to his audience and said gleefully, "Good. She's gone. Now to our business. I know you wish to be rid of these Sues -"

Éomer was shocked and confused. "My lord, how did you know that there are two Sues polluting Middle Earth and not just one? Come to think of it, how did you know who Athena was in the first place?" he inquired of Denethor.

"I think we all know the answer to that. After all, the Tolkien fans so nicely told us already towards the middle of this chapter," the steward nodded politely to the fourth wall.

"Oh. Right." Éomer let the issue rest.

The old steward continued, "I know not how to defeat these creatures - they are NEVER defeated by canon characters in most stories, as you know - but perhaps the old texts down in the Archive shall provide an answer. Faramir and I shall infiltrate the Archive immediately!"

"Infiltrate the Archive?" Faramir stared at his father in disbelief. "Why infiltrate? You are the steward of the city and have access to it at all times; there is no need to -"

With a roar, Denethor turned on him. "Silence, my son!" he snapped. "We must trust no one when Sues are about! That's why Boromir and noble Éomer of Rohan are going to lure away the Archive Guards, then lock them in a closet somewhere, steal their uniforms, and then stand guard while the two of us creep in and dig through the documents to find a possible means of finishing off the vile Sues."

"Or we could just re-assign the guards and have Beregond come with us instead," suggested Faramir, knowing that Beregond, being left out of the movies, was a loyal canon character that the Sues couldn't corrupt.

Being in full Mission-Impossible mode, Denethor hadn't even thought of that. "Quick thinking, my boy!" he conceded. "Yes, Beregond shall do nicely! Now come! We need to put together some disguises."

"Disguises, Father? What has gotten into you? We don't need disguises."

"Yes, we do. Now come!" Denethor dug out a pair of black leather gloves, with holes in the backs cut out to keep sweat from building up. He appeared only too happy to snap them on.

"I give up." With a helpless look at everyone else, Faramir followed his father as he left for the steward's quarters.

"Maybe Denethor is a little insane after all," commented Éomer reluctantly.

"Not insane," observed Lúthien wisely. "Crafty and wise."

"'Tis the curse of a genius to be thought mad!" Denethor called in agreement from his study. Faramir's hesitant voice came mutely through the chamber doors to bring his father back to task, and shortly thereafter, evil laughter could be heard, if one listened closely for it.

Thrór sighed. "Well, whatever he is, I hope he can find a text that tells us how to get rid of the Sues."

Éomer looked around the throne room. "Is there anything we can do while we wait?" he asked the others.

"YES! I want to find a dress - I despise these pants, Éomer! Why you forced me to come to Minas Tirith looking like a common peasant I'll never know." Éowyn, who had been practically silent since they had arrived, said quickly. The once brave shieldmaiden, who would have been delighted to wear pants if she were canonical, frowned at her grab.

Giving up, Éomer sighed. "Go find a dress then, Éowyn," he said with obvious exasperation. "Don't come crying to me when you discover that you can't easily carry weapons in one."

Tossing her hair, his sister gave him a truly dirty look. "You know I don't care about weapons. Stop acting like I do!" And Éowyn waltzed away happily, searching for a servant or someone to find her a nice new dress to wear.

Gimli snorted as she went away. "Someone needs to find away to bring that girl back to her senses."

"I only wish I knew how," lamented her brother.

"She will come back to normal once the Sues are gone, I suppose," Lúthien commented as she leisurely ran her fingers through her long dark hair. Huan gave a soft moan and lay down beside her. "Our only hope is that Denethor and Faramir find a way to finish them off. I am not sure what we should do now. All we can do is wait, I suppose."

"I say we prepare for battle."

"What? And why is that, Master Thrór?" Gimli inquired of the talking horse.

"Because Vallawen is here."

Boromir couldn't believe what he had just heard. "_What_?" he roared.

Thrór closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Vallawen is here. I sense her presence. And Vallawen is a master at hiding her presence and any other trace of herself, even from beings like me, so she must be extremely close for me to pick up on her." The purple-eyed horse shuddered at the thought of seeing that wench again.

"But Athena is here as well? They cannot meet! What shall we do?"

"Worry not, my friends!" an unusually calm voice broke in. It was Úbennas. Everyone turned to him in surprise. "I shall distract Athena," the elf said confidently. "We were once best friends after all. Where is a good place to keep her occupied and out of sight for a time, Lord Boromir?"

Boromir thought fast. "The dungeons," he said at least. "The dungeons are extremely deep, for they run down into the mountain behind the actual city. Tell Athena that Legolas is trapped down there or some other nonsense - she should get lost for a while and we shall be rid of her. Go along with her and have her tell all of the guards to stay out of the way while she rescues her beloved Legolas, and they certainly will obey her since I'm sure they will think she is the most divine and beautiful creature in the world. Then tell her to go as far downwards on the stairwell as she can, saying that Legolas is at the very bottom. She should get lost down there for a while. To get out, just remember to keep traveling upwards on the main stairwell no matter how many different paths you see and you will come back to the entrance on the sixth level. Try to keep Athena down there as long as possible though."

"Right." Úbennas nodded and left to find Athena.

"He's certainly changed," commented Éomer.

"I knew he had it in him," said Lúthien. "It just took a while for him to realize that he could become a canonical elf. I think the name change really helped him."

"Never mind that now," snapped Gimli. "What are we to do about Vallawen? Any ideas, Thrór?"

"Yes. Gimli, Boromir, and I should stay out of sight since Vallawen most certainly hasn't forgotten our 'treachery' at Moria and would make things hard for us. We'll go down to the sixth level of the city and lay low for the time being - I know it will be trying, but we must do this!" Thrór snapped as Boromir began to protest. "And that means that you, Éomer of Rohan and Lúthien Tinúviel, must go down and meet with Vallawen to see what is going on."

Eyes bulging, Éomer cried, "Us? Surely there is another way! I do not wish to meet another Sue. Besides, we will be recognized!"

"I do not wish to meet another Sue either," Lúthien assured him comfortingly, "but we've got to greet them, find out what has happened since Gimli and Boromir left the Fellowship, and relay this information so we can all figure out what we are up against." The elf princess made a motion to Huan who sank down to the ground so she could mount. "But worry not, Éomer. With a change of clothes you shall blend in with the citizens of Minas Tirith with ease. As for me, I have been forced to change my shape in the past to go undetected by evil and can do it again." With those words, she gave a gentle wave with her hand and her fair body changed from that of a beautiful elf into the shape of a not particularly attractive middle aged woman.

"That is wise," commented Thrór as Lúthien's shape changed. "Now how you are going to get the information we need is beyond me. Come on, Gimli and Boromir! We'd best disappear for the time being."

"The best of luck to you, lad," Gimli told the nervous Éomer who laughed bitterly.

"If I don't come back, tell Éowyn to avenge me," he commented jokingly.

And thus Thrór, Gimli, and Boromir sought refuge in a secluded stable on the sixth tier of the city while Éomer and the "new" Lúthien prepared to go down and meet the frightful Sue - I mean, elven Valkyrie, Vallawen; all hoped that Úbennas was going to be able to keep Athena Firestone occupied for the moment.

Things were about to get unruly.


	18. The Irritating Arrival of Vallawen

Disclaimer: Ramble, ramble, nothing is mine except for the dumb characters.

Well, since something like 9 out of 10 reviewers hate Athena Firestone and want Vallawen back, here she is. You'll probably be sorry but you asked for it. ;) Then again, I hate Athena Firestone more than Vallawen too, I think, so I'm not too sorry to be bringing her back. I'm just sorry that Athena isn't dead just yet.

Thanks to WargishBoromirFan for beta'ing (I can't thank you enough). Oh, and Boromir, Gimli, and the others will be in the next chapter. I decided to give Lúthien and Éomer some time in the spotlight. Hope you don't mind.

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The tall elven Valkyrie walked proud and high through the city streets, accosted by admiring citizens of Minas Tirith just as Athena Firestone had been during her arrival. Her hair waved like a pale yellow banner in the slight breeze. Her face was pale - as pale as ice - but the lack of color didn't detract from the beauty of her ideal face, for she still made all males who saw her go wild with lust and all females wild with envy. And all that saw her generally just went bat-crap crazy. Her icy blue helm with the many gems sat upon her head like a crown. Her icy blue leather bikini-warrior outfit- thing was tight against her skin, highlighting a lovely protruding clavicle, her wonderfully thin stomach, and those perfectly shaped legs. Her icy blue eyes were sparkling with excitement. She was the most beautiful creature in Middle-earth and she knew it.

Along side this wannabe Norse goddess strode a grinning fool, a gloomy shadow, and a slumping white wisp. The fool was Legolas, the shadow Aragorn, and the wisp Gandalf the White.

The reader is most likely wondering why the hobbits were not among the said group, and it will be a sad and really annoying explanation, but I shall do my best to relate the events that had befallen the Fellowship and Vallawen since the departure of Gimli and Boromir in Moria. Basically, Vallawen ditched the hobbits. Why? Well, I'll tell you: Merry and Pippin are just plain nuisances when it comes to Sue stories - the Suethors get tired of trying to keep up with them (after all, Merry and Pippin really have no point in the story anywayz!!1 Who carez about them when there are more important things to write about like how teh Sue snogs Legolas??1!!). They find some ridiculous way to get rid of the pair. As for Frodo and Sam, Legolas-loving Sues like our elven Valkyrie usually simply end them away to fulfill their destiny as destroyers of the Ring; basically they get rid of them as well. It is depressing. It's senseless. It's Suethor logic. Now back to the action.

"Lady Vallawen!" yelled a random man. "Gondor shall make sure you are safe from Loki within the walls of Minas Tirith." It now appeared that the people of Minas Tirith would switch which mythologies they believed in to suit the presence of either Greek or Norse Sue.

Another chimed in, "We have made sacrifices to the great god Odin to prepare for your arrival, m'lady!"

"Can I touch you in the hopes that some of your brilliance will rub off on me?" cried a woman.

"Touch me not!" Vallawen gasped as she drew back from the hands of the people. "Take care - you will get frostbite! For my body is cursed: my insides are as hard as rock, and my skin is as cold as ice. Only my true love can touch me without feeling the icy frost that permeates my body. So stay away! Stay away until I defeat Loki and then you may touch me when my body warms."

His blue eyes-that-should-be-grey shimmering with concern, Legolas moved over to her side. Or would have if Aragorn hadn't blocked his path intentionally.

"Out of the way, Strider!" The elven archer, who was techinically a few thousand years too old for such a public temper tantrum, attempted to push the ranger out of his way.

"Vallawen doesn't want to talk to you right now, Legolas!" Aragorn pushed back, as petulant as the elf.

"Why I oughtta smack you right in the face for that one! Of course she wants to talk to me. She loves me!"

"No, she doesn't!" Strider's lip quivered uncertainly, all thoughts of Arwen forgotten.

"You're only saying that because you want her for yourself!"

"Well, duh!" Aragorn leaned forward to smack Legolas. Obviously they were both still acting like two-year-olds.

"Do not fight on my account, my friends," Vallawen suddenly cut in. "I am not worth it. I am as frozen as the ice statues of the North and don't deserve your arguing." And for once, the Tolkien fans found that they had to agree with the Sue, although the concept of the thing bothered them.

"Yes." Gandalf shot Aragorn a hateful look. "Don't bother poor Vallawen, Aragorn. Only one can be her true love. You are not it. Deal."

At this moment a grinning middle-aged woman with greasy brownish gray hair leapt out of the crowd and planted herself in front of the group. "Ha!" she yelled happily. "It is Vallawen, Lady of the North and Daughter of the Valkyries! You have come to save Middle-earth from the evil of Loki and all here are in your debt." This odd individual stretched out her filthy hands up to the heavens, her dull gray eyes gazing at the clouds longingly. "Praise Odin!"

Flattered that this woman had used such grand titles to address her, Vallawen stopped and turned to her. "Hark! Here is a noble woman," she laughed. Her icy blue eyes sparkled softly and she continued, "What is your name, my friend, and how do you know of me?"

"How can I not have heard of you?" the woman cried dramatically. "You are the Chosen One, the Slayer of Loki, and the Killer of Giants! I bow to your superiority!" And with a heave this strange woman threw herself onto the ground, groveling in front of the Sue- I mean, elven Valkyrie.

With a laugh, the beautiful girl bade her rise. "Up, my friend," she said pleasantly. "Tell me who you are."

"Uh, I am Paula! Paula, the Head Healer of the Citadel!" The deranged woman cried. As if the reader hadn't guessed, this was no crazy old Healer of Gondor but rather Lúthien Tinúviel in her mortal disguise. That Child of Ilúvatar had decided to have some fun with the Sue by using a completely ludicrous name, for she was sure that the Sue wouldn't notice at all; it is common knowledge among all canon characters and Tolkien fans that Modern-earth names don't fit into Middle-earth, but Sues don't have a clue.

Being Middle-earth ignorant (as would be expected), Vallawen didn't even think to question this stupid and uncanonical name. "Good Paula, you are truly a noble woman," she exclaimed. "Come and join me on my journey up to the top of the city."

Lúthien gave a grateful bow, only to discover that her back wasn't very stable in this new body. "Ugh," she moaned as she tried to straighten herself. "Ahh, my back! It ain't what it used to be!" But then, still clutching at her spine, she turned to the crowd from which she had emerged and called out to someone: "Oh Steve! My little Steve, do come and help your old mother straighten her old, worn back."

An embarrassed young man emerged from the crowd wearing a filthy pair of worn clothes that made him look much younger than his twenty-seven years. "I'm coming, Mother. I'm coming as quickly as I can," a discomfited Éomer replied. He hadn't expected this. Damn that Lúthien! The elf princess was acting a bit too frivolously around Vallawen for his taste, and he was nervous enough without her brassy antics.

"Oooh such a good, helpful, handsome boy I've got," crooned Lúthien sweetly as her "son" helped her straighten up.

"Can we go now?" Vallawen asked impatiently, losing the image of gentle serenity that she had carried before.

Gandalf the White stamped his foot angrily as well. "Lady Vallawen must get to the Citadel at once!" he roared, causing the people gathering around to shrink back in fear. "We have no time for such foolishness. Let's be off at once!" Irately he pushed his way forward towards the gate, dragging a glaring Aragorn behind him while Legolas hung back with his twu wuv.

Lúthien couldn't let them get away. "But wait!" she cried. "I can get you to the Citadel without accosting citizens to push you around as you go. Follow me!" This was a lie, but she could see no other way and began to lead the group through the streets after catching up with Gandalf and Aragorn while Éomer, uh, I mean Steve walked along side Vallawen and Orl- I mean Legolas. Unfortunately he was about to get into trouble.

Knowing that he was being counted on to get information about the "Fellowship's" journey since the departure of Gimli and Boromir, Éomer inquired of Vallawen, "So you came from Rivendell, did you? I have also heard that you passed through the dreaded Mines of Moria." He hoped with all of his heart that she wouldn't ask how he knew this information.

Her teeth gleaming like two strings of pure pearls, the elven Valkyrie laughed. "Oh, but we didn't go through the Mines of Moria!" Mindlessly she prattled on. "I led us through the Underworld instead, you see, and there I battled the feared giant Farbauti. It was a long and tiring battle but in the end good triumphed over evil! Unfortunately Gandalf died in the battle. Then a couple of hours later we made it to Alfheim, ruled by Queen Galadriel. The good queen made me look in her magical mirror and showed me my own death at the hands of Loki, but I have other plans about that. Not all shown in the Mirror comes to pass, you see." Here Vallawen stopped breathlessly; her cold cheeks flushed a light cherry. It was still apparent that Vallawen knew just about as much about her "own" mythology as she did that of Middle-earth.

"And what happened next, m'lady?"

"Why, Vallawen told Frodo and Sam to take Loki's Ring far, far away where they could cast it into the Eternal Fire of Thor," Legolas cut in as he smiled fondly at the beautiful girl. Éomer couldn't believe that the elf would just fling such important information around like that but he didn't press the point.

Lovingly gazing back at her elf luvah, the elven valkyrie continued the tale. "Merry and Pippin were taken away by Tanngniost, a servant of Jormungand, to a place where they would be safe. After all they are sweet and cute but rather empty-headed and foolish. They are much better off in the care of Balder than with us."

"And what of Gandalf? How did he return?"

"I brought him back to life using the magic of Freja once we reached the Healing Spring in Rohan. Only he came back much stronger than before - he is now Gandalf the White, Servant of Odin. Anyway, we saved Rohan from Loki's minions at the Battle of Helm's Deep and traveled on here to fight on the side of Gondor. After all, Loki will strike the hardest here since it is the closest to his main entrance to the Underworld, especially now that I am here. But never fear! I shall conquer him in the end. However Gandalf says that he needs to visit the Archives of Minas Tirith to find an ancient scroll that reveals how exactly I will kill Loki."

This made about as much sense as a tutu-wearing Tom Bombadil shouting commercial jingles about anime would, but Éomer played it off. "You are so brave, m'lady. I wish I could be like you."

"It wouldn't be the same!" laughed Vallawen. "After all you are a boy. I am a girl. I've got to help show the world that women can do anything!"

Shrugging, Éomer tiredly looked at her. The girl's brilliant but icy smile made him shiver. "Well, you are certainly doing a good job of that," he said, trying to suck up. "After all you are the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes upon. Your smile is like a pure beam of sunshine cast upon the earth on a cold winter's morn while your eyes are the true meaning of divinity. And your uh,_ unusual _jewel-encrusted outfit makes you look like a true goddess." And before he knew what he was doing, he had reached out to touch the light blue jewels decorating Vallawen's bra strap.

A cruel hand stopped him. "Knock it off, buddy; she's mine!" yelled Legolas as he batted the Man away from Vallawen and put an arm around her protectively. "You aren't her true love."

"Oh Lego. You are so sweet." Vallawen crooned.

Éomer wanted to beat Legolas over the head for being a little bastard. Instinctively he raised his fist but was stopped when a familiar crackling voice soared out from in front of him:

"What are you bothering Lady Vallawen about, Steve?" Paula - er, Lúthien - inquired as she turned around to check on her followers.

"She had just finished telling me about all of the great battles she has been through, Mother. I wasn't bothering anyone."

Lúthien knew then that they had the information they needed. Smiling, she babbled on and on about how excited the citizens of Minas Tirith were to see Vallawen and other nonsense as they ascended.

For her part, Vallawen paid no attention. Her attention was focused on the brilliant and uncanonical blue eyes of Legolas and his handsome face. Éomer lagged behind, unwilling to speak again with Legolas and the Sue, while Gandalf and an angry Aragorn followed Lúthien closely.

The Citadel guards let them pass right through as would be expected; Vallawen's beauty was so great that they forgot about Athena Firestone for the moment and stared at this wondrous half-elf in astonishment. Her beauty froze them right where they stood and when they saw her sad, icy eyes; they nearly broke into tears simply because of the pain and suffering they had seen in those blue orbs.

Allowed into the court with ease, Lúthien and Éomer prepared to attempt to separate the group into their prepared rooms (after all it would be easier to deal with these irritating and odd characters by themselves, not to mention the Sue) but before they could leave the throne room, they experienced quite a terrible moment.

"Oh Éomer! Look what I found!" cried a cheerful voice from nearby. Lúthien and Éomer exchanged frightened looks as Éowyn rushed into the room.

"What sister?" Éomer asked sharply.

"I've gotten new shoes! Aren't they nice?" Lifting up her skirt, the White Lady of Rohan showed off her new pink shoes. Then, surveying her brother disdainfully, she scolded, "And what are you wearing? Really brother, you look like you are the butcher boy!"

"Get out of here, Éowyn!" But Éomer was too late.

"Who are you?" Vallawen inquired in that stupid icy voice of hers. That moronic Sue – I mean, elven Valkyrie was eager to get away from all of these annoying people so she could snog Legolas in peace.

"And I am so glad you are here, Athena!" Éowyn cried unexpectedly instead of answering the question. She clutched at her delicately braided hair in terror. "Hades is so evil for wanting to stop you from saving Middle-earth and I am so afraid. But I know that you will triumph in the end. Maybe then I shall find my true love Grima and we can live happily for all eternity!" It was apparent that Éowyn, being the air-headed girly girl that she was, had thought that the newcomer was Athena Firestone and had just risked the entire setup by mentioning her to Vallawen.

Confused and upset, Vallawen turned on her, yelling, "What is this 'Hades' you speak of? 'Tis Loki I challenge!"

"Don't worry about her – she's not herself today," Éomer growled as he hauled his confused sister out of the room.

Lúthien stepped in as well. "Oh, that was just La Esmeralda. Poor thing's not right in the head," she explained. "She only stays here because she has some relation to the steward, and sometimes they let her out of her room when there are no important visitors present so she can get a change of surroundings for a few hours. She must have escaped her guards; she has a knack at getting away from them and finding unsuspecting people to torment with her madness before they catch her."

Her lean body extending to reveal her perfectly shaped ribs, Vallawen stretched and yawned, apparently put at ease by Paula/Lúthien's explanation. "Okay. Whatever."

"You look so beautiful when the light from the window hits your eyes," Legolas exclaimed, studying his love with a passionate look. "If only I could marry thee right now."

The half-elf waved frowned. "No, my love." Her eyes filled with icy tears once more. "Not until Loki has been defeated."

Horny as always, Legolas grinned. "Can we at least do the nasty again?" The little fool apparently still didn't understand that for elves sex marriage.

Vallawen didn't understand either. "Of course! Hey Paula, can you get us a room?"

"No!" A strong voice cried without warning before Paula/Lúthien could answer. Both Vallawen and Legolas turned in annoyance.

Aragorn, who had been dragged along by Gandalf so he wouldn't bother Legolas and Vallawen, had suddenly charged up the steps to the throne and slammed himself down in the Seat of the King with a devilish grin, yelling, "I reclaim this throne right here and now! And my first new act as king will be to choose the bride of my choice."

"NooooO!" howled Legolas. That elf had the look of a deranged orc on his face for he knew what was coming up next.

Aragorn pointed directly at Vallawen. "And I choose YOU! You've got to marry me now! Haha!"

Vallawen gasped.

Legolas squeaked angrily.

Gandalf frowned.

Aragorn grinned like a madman.

The Tolkien fans muttered about bad cartoon crossovers.

"This is going to be a hell of a long day," Lúthien muttered, putting a hand to her head.


	19. A Failed Rescue

Me: I owe everything, I own Middle-earth, and Legolas of course!!

Legolas: No you do not! Now let me out of your room.

Me: (evil cackle) You stay in there or else I'll tie you down and spank you!

Legolas: Eeep! (runs away)

Me: Ok, so I don't really own anyway. But I'm going to keep Legolas in my room until I own him!!!!!

And that was a sickening example of a "disclaimer" that I've seen many Suethors use in their stories. Just look around a bit and I'm sure you'll find one. They always have Legolas held captive in their rooms and yell at him. How... stupid.

Real disclaimer: I no own nada.

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Aragorn grinned wickedly from his seat on the throne as he stared down at the surprised group before him. "Ha ha! I now proclaim that Vallawen is my bride and, consequently, the Queen of Gondor! Come up here and gimme some sugar!" Without waiting for her to obey, he sprang down and lunged at the girl passionately, looking as though he were about to eat her face off.

With a cry Vallawen dodged him and gave a suddenly helpless cry. "No, no, I will perish if I cannot love Legolas... Gandalf, help me!"

"ARAGORN!" roared Sue-mentor!Gandalf. "Dare you tempt the gods? Vallawen can only have one true love of her choosing. That means you are out of the picture." The White Wizard scowled and shook his staff at the future king in dissatisfaction.

"You can't stop me, old man!" cried Aragorn fervently. "I am the King of Gondor now and you must obey me, for that's what a king does: he gives orders and people like you follow them without complaint. And that means that Vallawen will be my wife as well, for I can choose any bride I want, even if that means I've got to kill you and Legolas!"

Icy blue eyes closing in despair, the elven Valkryie gasped and fell back onto Legolas, turning into a complete wimp just as she had before Boromir at the entrance of Moria. "But I will die," she moaned to Aragorn. "Do you really love me? Then you will let me go with Legolas."

"Of course I don't really love you," snickered Aragorn. "I just lust after you."

"Well, at least he's honest," Paula/Lúthien commented, but the others ignored her.

Legolas' eyes flashed and his nostrils flared in rage.

Violently Aragorn seized Vallawen by the arm. "Come with me, Lady Vallawen. We are going to get married right now."

"YOU'LL DO NO SUCH THING!" a strong, spiteful voice rang out. The elven Valkyrie and three un-canonical canon characters turned in surprise to she who they knew as Paula the Healer, who seemed to grow taller and more physically imposing yet fair as she spoke. With three long strides, the woman charged over to Aragorn and pulled him away from Vallawen with a superhuman strength, dragging him to the side of the room. "Leave him to me," she told Gandalf gruffly.

Once she had Aragorn far enough away from the others, Lúthien furiously whispered, "You're not going to marry that creature of darkness; you shall marry Arwen Undomiel as you originally intended before this... this thing came along and ruined everything." As she spoke, Lúthien allowed her true form to show for a few seconds, instantly showing the ranger an image of beauty that he had seen on one before...

"Arwen," he muttered slowly. "You look like Arwen, yet I see a light in your face that she does not possess."

"Be glad she does not possess my features completely, Aragorn. My face is a curse as well as a blessing, and Arwen shall never experience the hate and evil I did over it. However, she will experience what I did in one way: she would give her love to a mortal and you are about to throw that love away."

Two tears formed at the sight of the beautiful light on the elven lady's face now fell down the leathery cheeks of the ranger as he nearly chocked in despair and recognition of the truth. "Ai! What have I done? And who are you?" And he fell onto his knees, shaking and weeping like a child. The Sue's curse had been lifted for the moment.

Putting her arms around him, Lúthien, now back to old woman form, was reminded of her own husband and son, long since passed, and how she had comforted them in times of anguish. She only hoped that she could keep Aragorn normal if he went back into the presence of that fool Vallawen but knew in her heart that she could not. "Don't fret. Things will be set right once more," she crooned, hoping that this statement wasn't a lie.

Aragorn started up. "I have wept?" he muttered almost to himself, feeling the tears on his face. Then to Lúthien he asked, "What evil has corrupted me to forget the unsurpassable lady who waits for me back in Rivendell?"

"Don't worry about that now. It doesn't matter as long as you don't forget Arwen again –"

"What's going on over here?" roared Gandalf as he barged over uninvited.

"I don't know! I don't understand!" an extremely confused ranger cried.

Vallawen strode over, her eyes glistening with sympathetic and icy tears. "Oh Aragorn!" she cried. "I do not wish to upset you but you must understand that Legolas is my only true love."

"Oh, don't worry about him! He's decided not to marry you," Lúthien commented smugly.

Wild eyed, Aragorn turned to her moodily. "What nonsense is this, woman? Of course I'm going to marry her!" Apparently Vallawen's presence had made him immediately forget Arwen and his woes.

"No!" cried Legolas and Lúthien in unison; he for want of his love and she for anger over the Sue's corrupting presence. Just when she had Aragorn almost canonical again, Vallawen had to flounce over and ruin it.

"What about Arwen?" Lúthien asked desperately. "What about the Evenstar, the one who would give up her immortality all for you?"

"Vallawen's beauty far surpasses Arwen's," laughed Aragorn mindlessly. "And beauty is all that counts, you know." Lúthien wanted to strangle him, but knew it wasn't his fault and held her ground. Luckily Gandalf stepped in.

"Aragorn, forget this marriage nonsense for now," he said, trying to give Vallawen and Legolas some room to breath. "Once Loki has been defeated, we shall sort all of this out. Perhaps Vallawen will marry you then." With a wink at the Sue – I mean, elven Valkyrie, - the wizard led Aragorn away with assurances that he might very well be able to win Vallawen's heart away from Legolas. "I shall go to the Archive of Minas Tirith directly to see what I can find as well, and you shall accompany me, Aragorn, if needed."

Once the two had disappeared, Legolas frowned and passionately seized Vallawen. "You cannot marry him. I don't care if he is a king – hell, I'll be a king once my father dies!" It was obvious that Legolas had forgotten his father's immortality. "I can give you all that Aragorn can and more!"

Removing her braid and letting her lovely blonde hair fall brush against her shoulders, Vallawen smiled gently, her red lips sweetly pressed together. "Oh Lego, I could care less about him. Gandalf is just keeping him away from us with lies about a possible marriage. You are the only one for me. If Loki doesn't kill me first, that is."

Fiercely Legolas pulled her against him. "That will never happen!"

Still angry and in shock about her failure to keep Aragorn canonical, Lúthien glared at the two. "She looks so cold and smug in her finery," glowered the elf lady silently. "I don't know why she always moans about feelings frozen inside with Legolas wrapped around her neck."

"Oh Paula?" A voice like tinkling ice sickles rang out. Or ice sickles, or something unpleasant to have against one's ear and easily broken, at any rate.

Lúthien smiled sweetly at Vallawen. "What is it, my lady?"

"Show us to our room." The cold maiden demanded, hanging off of her loverboy's shoulders.

"Ah yes! I have two rooms prepared for you." "Paula" forced the smile to remain on her face, although it resembled gritted teeth more than the eariler blank cheer.

"Oh, we'll only need one." Vallawen giggled as she clung onto Legolas.

Sighing, Lúthien could only shrug. "As you wish, my lady. You and your ELVEN friend who lives in Mirkwood with the other ELVES and has an ELF for a father and therefore has ELVEN qualities and consequently shouldn't be doing the deed with anyone he does not intend to MARRY ON THE SPOT will enjoy your room. It is wonderful, has a great view, and a nice wash area. But I suppose you'll be most interested in the bed."

"Yes!" Legolas looked hungrily at his lover.

"It's a very nice bed, a very BIG bed, with extremely soft sheets..." Lúthien rattled on and on about the stupid bed while she led Legolas and Vallawen to the room they were to share. Not that the two paid any attention to her; the only things they could see where each other's beautiful eyes.

Meanwhile Éomer, having found some sewing to occupy his sister before she unintentionally cause any more trouble, rushed down to the sixth tier of Minas Tirith to the stable where Gimli, Boromir, and Thrór were hiding. Breathing heavily, the lord of Rohan loudly burst into the stone structure, causing Gimli and Boromir to jump up from the floor with a start.

"Oh, it's bad," Éomer gasped before they could say anything. "We got the story from that Vallawen." He paused, trying to catch his breath.

"Is Frodo here?" Boromir demanded unexpectedly. He had been silent the entire time the three had been in hiding, chewing on his fingernails obsessively while Gimli and Thrór traded sarcastic comments.

Gimli looked at him in surprise. "I'd be more worried about Vallawen if I were you, Boromir."

"No... I just pray the Ring is not here," Boromir explained to Gimli in an undertone. He lowered his eyes, unwilling to say more, and waited tensely for the answer.

"No. This Frodo came not with Vallawen. Only three companions did she have: a wizard, a ranger, and an elf."

Thrór rolled his odd purple eyes. "I figured as much."

Gimli and Boromir shared angry glances. "What about the others?" Boromir snapped. "Where are the hobbits?"

His eyes closed, Éomer paused and ran a hand through his dirty, dark blond hair. "Hobbits... yes, she said something about how she told two of the hobbits to go and continue the quest your Fellowship set upon while the other two hobbits were taken to someplace safe so they would no longer be an annoyance."

Relieved but annoyed, Gimli shrugged. "At least Merry and Pippin, who I'm sure she refers to as the annoying ones, are safe somewhere. I can only hope that Frodo and Sam are as well. But why did Vallawen come to Minas Tirith, Éomer?" He leaned expectantly on his axe and studied the Man.

"Where did she take the little ones? What a Sue considers safe is far from what others might. Or is Mirkwood now overrun with flying unicorns and talking squirrels?" Boromir, still unconvinced, spoke up; giving his abused nails a needed rest.

"Ack." Éomer's mind reeled. "I cannot recall," he said finally, at a loss for words. "Give me a moment to think." The Man sat leaned against the wooden railing of a stall and held his head in his hands. "I think it was something about defeating that Loki god. As for the hobbits, I don't know. I think she sent them home, or perhaps to Fangorn."

"We must hope that Saruman remains in his tower, then," Gimli muttered darkly.

The others glared at Éomer. "But why? WHY does she need to come here to defeat Loki?" Thrór asked, swishing his silver tail impatiently.

The memory leapt into Éomer's mind like a piercing arrow and he straightened up immediately, his eyes filled with concern. "It was the wizard who gave the reason; he said that they needed to check the Archives of Minas Tirith for a document with any possible way to defeat Loki on it. But we just sent –"

"Oh, no! Father and Faramir are in the Archives!" Finishing his friend's thought, Boromir made a break for the door, followed by the others after a moment's hesitation.

"Boromir! WAIT!" Gimli yelled as he tried to keep up with his longer-legged companions. "What is the chance that Denethor and Faramir will still be in the Archive by the time Gandalf goes? Perhaps your father and brother have long since departed the rooms and it is possible that Gandalf won't go in at all today. "

"Considering the amount of time my brother and father will spend arguing once they get into the Archive AND the way things have been going in this story, I'd say the chance is too great!"

"Good point." Gimli muttered. Dodging the street vendors that hawked wares on every corner, and guards whose expressions were far too enthralled for the dwarf to trust anything more complicated than standing up straight to them, he noticed that one of his companions was missing. "Now where'd that wolfhound get to?" he muttered. Lúthien had told Huan to stay out of sight; afraid that even a thick, hormonal Sue would likely notice a gigantic talking dog.

From her den in Somewhere Mysterious, the beta reader laughed wickedly, but quickly turned it into a groan. Arrow wounds are rough on a wannabe evil Mary Sue. Her captive squirmed and bit her, freeing himself of the ineffectual Sue's clutches. "Dang," she said, watching the wolfhound run home to his mistress. "Now how am I supposed to outdo those Legomancers and get a real man's attention?"

Boromir wasn't about to grant his errant luster any answers, although he probably would have had some choice words for her if he had noticed Huan's capture; words that did not include any terms of endearment. Fortunately for the would-be Sue, the Captain General was currently too worried about his father and brother, bolting through the streets for the archives with his friends running at his heels. And, brushing past startled soldiers and citizens in the street, the four headed up to the Archive as quickly as they could, hoping to inform Denethor of Gandalf's coming before a terrible confrontation ensued.


	20. Stupidity at the Archive

Disclaimer: Tolkien has it all. Or all of the good stuff, anyway.

Sorry for the wait this time! I was having a block but the reviews really helped me to get back on board with this chapter - thank you to all who reviewed. :)

Some of you have been requesting that additional Sues be brought in, and I'm not sure if I'll be able toput them in this time. You'll see a good example of why in the next chapter; to put it lightly, they are rather exhausting to write about! But don't worry - there will probably be a sequel to this story in which I'll put in new Sues, so keep the suggestions coming!

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Meanwhile, in the Archive of Gondor, Denethor and Faramir were busy searching for any document that would help them defeat Athena Firestone and Vallawen. Unfortunately, one was taking the task a bit more seriously than the other was…

"My son! Look at this!" Lifting a parchment from the pile, the Steward smiled gleefully.

"Did you find it? Say that you did!"

"No, but I did find this wonderfully detailed account of King Aldamir's death!"

"Father! We must hurry. I feel as though someone will walk in on us at any second."

"Patience, boy! Besides, it's our archive."

"You know what I mean. And I feel ridiculous wearing this!" Faramir gestured to his disguise. It was black. Mostly. And in need of quite a few patches.

"Wait! Here it is! I've got it!"

Outside, just as predicted, Gandalf the White strode rapidly through the citadel towards the Archive – alone, fortunately, for Aragorn was off stalking Legolas and Vallawen as they settled into their one bedroom – in hopes of finding a way to help his darling little Vallawen defeat Loki while Boromir, Gimli, and the crew raced to stop him.

The old wizard rounded the corner and went into the courtyard that linked the Archive to the secluded street from the citadel. "Out of the way," he ordered Beregond who, as the reader might remember, had accompanied Denethor and Faramir on their quest. "I must get in, for the sake of the Lady Vallawen! She shall die at the hands of Loki if I do not assist her."

Nervous, Beregond replied, "I'm afraid not, Mithrandir. I have strict orders not to allow anyone in at this time."

"Nonsense!" Gandalf yowled. "I shall not let my sweet ward down."

"No, Mirthrandir! You shall not enter!" Beregond jammed his spear against the door, blocking Gandalf and trying to warn the two men inside simultaneously. "Now step back." The poor man had no idea what he was going to do next. Luckily help had arrived.

"Oh Mr. Wizard, sir!" A crackly old voice screeched, filling the air with a painful note. Lúthien Tinúviel, having barricaded Legolas and Vallawen into their comfy room with the large bed, had seen the old man leaving the citadel and knew immediately where he was headed. Knowing that there would be problems if he managed to get into the Archive at this point, she had hurried after him, trying to think of a good lie to tell the entire way.

"What is it, Paula? I have no time for you."

"You can't go in there." Lúthien/Paula slammed herself against the door and gave a toothy smile. Beregond sighed with relief, knowing that she was here to help.

The wizard was in no mood for this. "And just why can I not enter?" he impatiently inquired.

"Well, you cannot enter because… because Shelob is in there!" The old woman triumphantly cried. "You'll be eaten for sure. Then your poor Vallawen would surely die. I suppose that means you won't be entering."

"Ha! Vallawen will surely die if I do not enter. What choice does that leave me? I suppose I shall just have to get my ward to come and dispose of Shelob." Gandalf turned and started away.

"No!" Beregond knew as well as Lúthien that if there was one person who did not need to be around in this situation, it was Vallawen. "You see," the guard continued frantically as Gandalf stared at him with an incredulous eye, "the old woman is mistaken. It's not Shelob that's in the Archive; it's Glaurung!"

"Ah yes! It's Glaurung, back from the dead!" wailed Lúthien/Paula as she fell pathetically to the ground. "No one but Túrin Turambar can slay him, and the man is long since dead. That means no one can kill the beast! Oh master of doom by doom mastered! Why does Mandos not return you to the lands of Middle-earth as to rescue us from this great evil once more? Only you could kill Glaurung! Woe!"

"No, I'm sure Vallawen can kill him," Gandalf growled tersely, rolling his eyes.

Damnit, Gandalf, thought Lúthien. Give us something to work with here. "Oh wait. The guard was wrong," she declared out loud, wondering why Gandalf didn't catch on to their obvious lies. Beregond gave her an annoyed look as she continued, "It's not Glaurung at all who has taken residence in the Archive. Indeed, it's MELKOR HIMSELF that now haunts the corridors. Oh woe! Woe! You will surely die if you dare enter!"

With an angry sigh, Gandalf leaned unconcerned against his staff. "Listen to me, Paula and friend," he sneered at Lúthien and Beregond. "I don't know who this 'Melkor' person you speak of…"

The elf princess couldn't believe her ears. Not know who Melkor is? She thought. This just keeps getting worse and worse.

"…and I am beginning to suspect that the two of you are making this all up just to keep me out of the Archive."

Beregond smiled nonchalantly and twirled his spear. "Now why would we do that?"

"Because you are fools who don't understand the gravity of the current situation," Mithrandir snapped. "You see, I must get in the Archive. Vallawen will DIE if I do not. For in the Archive, there might be a document on how Loki can be defeated and Middle-earth saved. However I must get into the Archive to find the document. Does ANY of this make sense to you simpletons?"

Giving it one last shot, Lúthien/Paula screamed, "Do not enter, Lord Gandalf! I could not bear to see you die at the hands of Morgoth!"

"Shut up, Paula. Now move out of the way!"

"STEP BACK, GANDALF!" Boromir nearly ran into the wall next to the wizard as he skidded to a halt, breathing as though his heart were about to stop, followed closely by Gimli on Thrór and Éomer. Beregond hadn't been so happy to see anyone in his entire life as he was to see Boromir at that very moment.

Turning wrathfully to the newcomers, the wizard cried, "What is the meaning of this? Boromir! Gimli! What are you doing here?"

Boromir frowned. "I live here."

"I know that, fool! But why do you, this insolent guard, and that crazy old woman hinder my entrance to the Archive? I must enter to save - ah wait, I see! You still harbor hatred for poor Vallawen. Why can't the two of you just leave her alone? And now I see you've turned Éomer of Rohan against her as well; I only hope you didn't corrupt Théoden King as well. Now get out of the way! You shall not stop me from saving the girl!"

"Do not try and stop him, Beregond," Boromir ordered as Gandalf plowed past the guard and disappeared into the corridor. "It will do no good! You'll only be hurt."

"We tried to stop him earlier but the old fool didn't take the bait," Lúthien frantically explained. "If I didn't know any better, I'd have sworn that The Silmarillion had never been written after trying to scare him."

"What will Gandalf do when he sees Faramir and Denethor?" asked Gimli in horror. "Do you suppose he'll know what they are doing?"

"I'm sure he will." Boromir leaned against Thrór in defeat. "Especially since Beregond was posted out here to block the entrance. Gandalf is no fool. He'll see my brother and father digging around in there and understand what's going on. Who knows what will happen then?"

Shaking his head, Éomer sighed heavily. "Now we'll never be able to defeat the Sues. Middle-earth is doomed!"

A minute of morbid silence passed. No one knew what to say. All eyes rested on the shut stone door, just waiting for it to open once more to seal the fate of Middle-earth. But what happened next wasn't exactly what the group waiting outside had expected.

"GET OUT!" roared a terrible voice from inside the corridor, causing everyone outside the door to jump in surprise. "Get out of here at once, I say! This is no place for you!" It was Gandalf. "I've got business to attend to."

An irate and somehow familiar voice replied, "All right, all right, sir! We was just cleanin' the Archive like Lord Denethor told us to!"

"Yes, that's right! Just like Lord Denethor told us to!"

At this point the door burst open and two old women came racing out, followed closely by a scowling Gandalf who yelled, "I don't care if Ilúvatar himself told you to clean it; you are leaving right now!"

The first old woman dramatically stomped her foot and yelled, "Well, that's just fine with me! Just make sure we get paid for the entire time."

"Uh, yes! We have families too, you know." The second figure chimed in rather uncomfortably.

"Why should I care about your insignificant families when I have to help a certain young woman save Middle-earth and herself from destruction? NOW STAY OUT!" Gandalf stepped back inside and slammed the door.

"You just tell to Lord Denethor when he asks why his archive isn't clean!" the first woman hollered needlessly through the closed door. "You'd better –"

"Father, stop that. He can't hear you now." The second "old woman" took off her hat and filthy robe, revealing a familiar face.

Boromir couldn't believe his eyes as his father and brother took off their disguises. "Oh, Eru. The two of you…" He stopped and laughed, the relief plainly showing in his eyes. "We were about to resign ourselves to defeat."

Denethor snickered as he removed his wig. "And you said that the disguises were unnecessary," he scolded his younger son. "I knew something like this would happen. Why else do you think I insisted on these stinky costumes I stole from the servants' quarters?"

"But did you find anything to help us?" Thrór, who had been surprisingly silent through the whole ordeal, asked the two men. "Anything to help us get rid of the Sues?"

The steward of Gondor snickered at him and pulled an ancient, cracking scroll out of his robes. "Of course we did," Denethor said gleefully. "This parody would have no point if there were no way to kill the Sues. However we must get away from here at once so Gandalf won't re-emerge and see us with this information. Now let us go."

Gimli grinned. "Perhaps there is some hope then."

"There is hope," Denethor turned to the dwarf. "On the other hand, none of you are going to like what this scroll has to say. But this is not the proper place to discuss the matter. Follow me!"


	21. The Confrontation

Disclaimer: I only own the glorious kool Sues. Tolkien has everyone realistic.

Forgive the late update - I originally planned to put what I call the "Council of Denethor" in this chapter, but as I wrote it I discovered that I wasn't happy with the way I had been planning to get rid of the Sues and am in the process of fine tuning a new one (and have been doing so for about a month). Therefore as a diversion, all of you lucky readers get stuck with the Sues, Legolas, and Aragorn in this chapter! No, wait, don't leave! It's Sueishly amusing, I promise. This chapter was actually supposed to be the one after the "Council of Denethor" but they've since switched places. So relax, sit back, and enjoy the true meaning of stupidity (that would be Vallawen and Athena Firestone) while I keep working as quickly as possible on the next chapter. Thank you for your patience.:)

PS: All spelling mistakes are intentional (hopefully). But I'm sure you could have figured that out on your own.

And thanks to WargishBoromirFan as always!

EDIT: Apparently some of the punctuation in this story is not being displayed on I see several sentences that are supposed to end with periods, comma, exclamation marks, or question marks but instead have nothing between the last world and the ending quotation mark. I have no idea why it is doing this since the version on my computer has all of the punctuation - I'm going to repost this and see what happens. Hopefully the problem will be fixed. If not you have my sincerest apologies. This kind of thing drives me nuts. 

-

The stars shone down lovingly upon them as Legolas and Vallawen walked through the gardens of the Houses of Healing, holding hands and necking each other. No, the couple wasn't necessarily supposed to be in those gardens, seeing as it was a place for the sick, but since when have technicalities stopped a Sue? It was their special night anyway: they had first met in Rivendell exactly two weeks and a day, ten hours, and fifty six seconds ago and Vallawen wanted to celebrate their anniversary.

The she-elf Valkyrie, deciding to suffer her pride and wear a dress for this occasion, had on a silky icy blue gown that clung to her body, reminding the reader once again that she had (everyone say it all together now) curves in all the right places. A delicate flower design in the material covering her arms looped down in a chain until it reached the end of the long princess sleeves that hung to her knees. Her fairly large breasts were exposed just enough by the low cut neckline to keep Legolas' eyes riveted on them as she walked (kind of like Arwen's when she and Elrond are talking in RotK! Not that Elrond's eyes were riveted on Arwen's boobies! OMGLOL! She's not neerly as pretty as Vallawen!one!). Shimmering almost as much as the material in the dress, her long blond hair was pulled in a halfway ponytail and fell in glamorous curls that flowed down her back, spiraling in perfect ringlets (think like Arwen's when she was in Aragorn's dream!). On her head was a jeweled headdress (like Arwen's when she and Aragorn were on teh bridge!). Around her neck sat a glimmering lace of silver leaves and vines with a heart shaped pendant hanging in front (like Arwen's Evenstar only not). On her feet were two glass slippers. But none of these fancy garments could compare to the face of sixteen year old Vallawen herself - her smile was brighter than the stars, and her eyes were like two pin points of blue heavenly light filled with a mysterious ancient knowledge. As usual, her badly named sword, Frinwiniel, was at her side.

Legolas was wearing what he wore in Lothlorien during the movie (omg he looked so hawt and romantic waring that!11) At this point, the editor of this fic has had to go have a lie-down and cry. We apologize for the in-story author's notes. The hormone supply has been turned off and those responsible have been sacked.

As he led her down the stone garden path, Mirkwood's prince told Vallawen all about his home. "There are orchards, cornfields, and vegetable gardens like you couldn't imagine! Everyone is always happy there. The commoners never complain, even when my father slaps an outrageous income tax on them to pay for the building of his personal water park. But the best part of Mirkwood is Unicorn Castle; that's where I live, you see. It has a dramatic Italian Baroque exterior and all of the rooms have different themes - let's see, we've got an Art Deco room, a Wedgewood room, bathrooms based on a Roman public bath complete with wall frescoes featuring fairies and other mystical creatures of Middle-earth, and my personal favorite, the Salvador Dali room. Now we also have an inside stable for all of the royal unicorns, a twenty car garage, a room built 'specially for ping pong tournaments, an ice cream parlor, a casino, a room filled with cows and a dairy for when my father gets bored and decides to pretend he's a peasant for a couple of hours, a complementary gym for our guests, a private gym for me and then my father's private gym, twenty seven tanning salons, and numerous other things. Did I mention that there's a hairdresser on call 24-7"

But Vallawen wasn't used to having such fine things and sighed. "It sounds lovely, Legolas" she admitted"but I don't know if I'll ever be able to adapt to the life of royalty. A hairdresser on call 24-7, you say? That is indeed impressive, but I am afraid I'd only be overwhelmed by such fineries."

"No, you wouldn't be" Legolas assured her quickly, afraid that she would be too upset by the rich life of Mirkwood royalty after her hard life as a cold hearted warrior to want to live with him there. What an idiot.

"Well... okay" Vallawen said, suddenly ready to agree. "I guess I could tough it out until I got used to it. The unicorns there do sound pretty and I would so like to see them."

"What the hell just happened" asked a random Tolkienite. "I got lost back when he said that Mirkwood had orchards and commoners."

Unable to hear this voice of protest, the couple halted as Legolas took the exquisite lady into his arms. "Vallawen, your eyes are so magical" he commented while pulling her into a tender yet passionate kiss.

Her curled hair shimmering in the moonlight as she switched into full angst mode, the elven Valkyrie gave a pathetic sigh as he held her. "Oh Lego, you shouldn't be so attached to me. What should happen if Loki kills me? What should you do then" Her crystalline eyes closed sadly as she thought of the possibility.

His blue-eyes-that-should-be-grey suddenly filled with fear, Legolas gasped. "I would never marry, my love. How could I after having the world's most beautiful she-elf screw me hundreds of times in the last six days since we departed from Rivendell" Then in a grave tone he declared"I don't believe I could even ever have sex again if you weren't the one under my body."

The Tolkien fans stifled the urge to throw rocks at the pair.

Vallawen smiled, her icy blue orbs glimmering. "You'd remain celibate for me" Lovingly she ran her perfect nails down Legolas' arm, making him shiver with pleasure.

"Of course, my love."

Raising her pinkie finger to the sky and tilting her head to an exact 45 degree angle left, the sign that all cool Valkyries make while swearing a great oath, Vallawen looked up at the night sky, saying in a voice just dripping with anguish"Then I now declare that I shall do the same for you, if you were to die before me. But surely that woeful day will never come." And she knew it wouldn't. After all it wouldn't be right if Legolas died while the she lived, now would it? That would defeat the purpose of the story entirely.

From his position behind a small tree nearby, Aragorn seethed; he had been stalking the lovers through the gardens for the last two hours, hiding behind various plants and blending in with the shadows, and this declaration of Vallawen's only served to darken his heart even more. He kept a death-grip on a small dagger and waited for the right moment to spring out of hiding and cut Legolas' throat.

Vallawen latched onto Legolas' arm. "When shall we be married" she inquired. "I cannot wait to become Mrs. Legolas Greenleaf."

"Gandalf says we can only marry once Loki has been defeated" Legolas said sadly. "I would marry you this instant if I could, my lady." He let his hands drift through her long tresses gently as he spoke. Never before had he felt hair so soft, so silky... so sensual.

"Gandalf means well but he knows nothing of love" breathed Vallawen. "I know exactly what we should do: we should get married in secret tonight"

Aragorn gnashed his teeth furiously.

"I don't know - maybe we should have more sex first" grinned Legolas. "I've had many, many lovers but I only took them because my father expected me to marry and I pretended I loved them only for his sake. You, however, you are the embodiment of true love. I can't wait to feel the joy of your body under mine again."

"Well, you're going to have to wait a little bit longer there, Legolas, because Vallawen is MINE" Aragorn growled to himself as he crept forward, knife in hand.

"Let's go back to our room" whispered Vallawen romantically as she looked deep into the deep blue orbs that were her lover's eyes.

"All right, my love." Legolas took her hand and began to lead her away.

Aragorn stealthily lunged forward, preparing to strike blond haired Elf whom he once considered to be his friend. However, unluckily for him, the murderous blow he had planned stopped short of meeting the back of Legolas' head when a shrill howl filled the air.

"Get away from me, Figwit! I hate you"

"But he was supposed to be down there, Athena, I promise you"

"Shut up! We spend TWELVE HOURS in a stinky, dark, stupid dungeon with no sign of my Leggy! You said he'd be there but he obviously wasn't, was he now"

"But Boromir said he was down there."

"WHAT? Why the hell didn't you say so? Never, EVER listen to that freak-job Boromir! He's out to rape me, I swear. If I'd have known, we would have never gone down there. Damnit Figwit, we just wasted a bunch of time that I could have used to be snogging Legolas"

As if the reader hadn't guess, Athena Firestone and Úbennas/Figwit had come out of the dungeon where he had taken her so she wouldn't meet Vallawen. The dejected Athena had nearly bitten Figwit's head off in anger once she discovered that her beautiful Legolas was nowhere in those dark depths, and in a twist of fate he had taken her to the gardens to try and calm her down with the sight and scent of all the beautiful plants - the very place where Vallawen and Legolas, the very people Úbennas/Figwit had hoped _not_ to meet, were wandering. This was going to be bad.

When Athena had first whined, Vallawen and Legolas had stopped and turned to face the approaching sound, barely giving Aragorn enough time to throw himself into the large shadow of a nearby plant.

"What on earth is that sound" Legolas inquired.

"I don't know." Vallawen scowled, angry that she and Leggy had been interrupted. And at that moment Athena Firestone, shining in all of her glory, looked upon Vallawen and Legolas.

"OMG! LEGOLAS! Is that really you" fangirl!Athena squealed as she raced forward towards the couple. "I've been searching for you" Her long red hair spun in sensual waves down her shoulders as she seized the handsome Orl - I mean, Legolas and stared into his deep blue eyes ravenously. As usual, she was wearing her stupid leather bikini get-up, which will not be described in detail again.

"Oh, no." Úbennas immediately ran for his life, knowing that a showdown was about to occur.

Meanwhile Vallawen had been shoved back by the eager Athena and stood indignantly to the side, glaring at the other girl. "No, no, I think not" the Elven Valkyrie said with a frown. "Legolas and I are destined to be married. I don't know who you are but keep your filthy little hands off of him."

For the first time, Athena turned to the mysterious female who had been holding Legolas' hand. The beauty of this mysterious other girl and her lovely clothes annoyed Athena to no end. "Oh honey, I doubt that" she sneered at Vallawen. "My father Zeus has decreed that I wed Legolas before Hades takes me as his own bride. After all, I am Zeus' only child, Athena Firestone. I am the daughter of his mistress Keira, hated by Circe, Zeus' true wife. I have lived in Rivendell for years! Hades cursed me to a life of hardship and pain, a life that can only be made happy through a marriage to Prince Legolas of Mirkwood and the destruction of the Lord of the Underworld."

"I don't know the people you speak of, but I have endured much more pain that you could ever imagine." Vallawen's icy eyes gleamed in angst. She was most unhappy to have found this strangely beautiful girl with the small nose and full lips. It pained Vallawen to think that this girl was possibly as lovely as she. "Loki is after me, and I must defeat him and then marry Legolas to save Middle-earth" If she couldn't out-do this silly red head in the looks department, then Vallawen was just going to have to out angst her.

Unimpressed, Athena just laughed. "Whatevah, girlfriend. You're just making that up."

"No, YOU'RE making YOUR story up" screamed the Elven Valkyrie.

"Now, now ladies" Legolas interrupted. "You are both tragic and mysterious to be sure. I'm sure we can get along somehow. I'm sure I could love you both. Hell, I could marry you both! We could have lots of beautiful children together! And while the two of you are off raising the brats during the daylight hours, I'll just find some new mistresses to spend my days with. When I return at night, we'll have a threesome! Every night for the rest of our lives! That would be kool."

"Shut up, Orl - I mean, Legolas" screamed Vallawen. "How dare you? You've known her for only three seconds! I've been with you for the entire quest and just two seconds ago you said you could never love anyone but me! I will not share you with some rotten little tramp like her! I will not share you with anyone! How dare you even think of such a thing" And she stomped her foot, her silvery eyes shimmering with hurt and anger.

Smugly, Athena Firestone said"He just knows his true love when he sees her" Her own jade eyes with blue flecks glinted menacingly back at Vallawen's sullen icy blue ones. "Legolas just said he would marry both of us to shut you up for now; I'm sure that later tonight he'll dump you for me."

"NO" Vallawen glared daggers at the warrior nymph. "That is not so, for _I_ alone am his true love"

A horny Legolas cried"I just figured something out" Both ladies turned to him. "I've got it" he continued. "I'm _everyone's_ true love! It's the only explanation! That's why all of the girls who fall into Middle-earth and magically appear every time we start the quest come: they love me! I am so good! Just... YEAH"

"Of course you are" Athena and Vallawen chimed in unison before staring each other down again.

Pleased with himself, Legolas smiled. "I can have all the girls I want" Apparently, he still had a lot of learn about the mind of the Sue.

"Oh no, it doesn't work that way, Lego" an exasperated Vallawen snapped. "It isn't about _you_; it's about _me_! You are _my_ true love. That means you can only have sex _with me_. That means you can only kiss _me_. That means you can only compliment _my_ beauty. What is so hard about this? You've been with me for almost the entire quest and suddenly decide to forget the joy of our relationship the instant you lay eyes on this little tart? You know I am your true love, after all. "

"But you aren't his true love" screeched Athena, wild with fury with this other girl had already spent so much time with Legolas. "_I_ am"

"No, _I _am, you tramp"

To the surprise of all, Aragorn jumped out of the shadows, making Athena Firestone scream in fright. "Score" the future king yelled triumphantly. To Legolas he continued"I know how to solve this little problem. You can have this new girl and I'll just take Odin's ward, the beautiful Vallawen as my bride! That way we both get what we want"

"Yeah, you can have her" Athena snapped, a bit hurt that Aragorn wasn't after her as well. "And that means Leggy and I can be together."

Acting fast, Vallawen slapped Aragorn across the cheek. "Get away from me" she sneered, her blond hair flowing along with her shoulders in a most beautiful way as she smacked him. "You can't compare to Legolas, you dirty MAN! And I shall never be your bride! Just as I shall never be Loki's bride! I am much too independent to be married off to someone that I do not love"

Legolas laughed. "Of course you'll never be Loki's bride, nor Aragorn's! You'll be mine, Vallawen."

Aragorn scowled and fingered his knife.

"Humph" Vallawen stood by Legolas and gave her rival a snooty look. "Of course I'll be married to you! 'Tis my fate"

Crushed, Athena's face, the face that had features to rival any classical statue of Aphrodite, fell and she dramatically sank to the ground while crying"But I shall die if we don't wed" Her small body, so fragile and pained, began to shake with sobs. "Father Zeus, why do you do these things to me? I mean, come on! I'm your only daught - hey wait, I know! This is but a test! This other girl is nothing more than an evil shade sent by that jerk Hades to test my love for Legolas! But not to worry! I shall smite her down right now and she shall float away back to the Underworld and tell her cruel master that Athena Firestone isn't so easily fooled" Reaching her arm back furiously, the now emboldened Athena whacked Vallawen furiously in the chest but to her great dismay instead of disappearing, the other girl was barely scathed by the blow and gave the warrior nymph a hateful glare.

"What is this? She does not vanish! Then she is not a shade after all. If she and Legolas go off and have sex, that will mean I'm doomed to be the wife of Hades" cried Athena dramatically, falling back onto the ground. As if the reader hadn't noticed, she tended to switched back and forth from uberfangirl!mode to angsty-poetic-warrior!mode depending on the circumstance.

"First of all, me and Lego have had sex billions of times in the past two days! Second, you are not nearly as beautiful as I am so Legolas wouldn't want to do you anyway. Third, we're leaving right now." An enraged Vallawen took Legolas' hand and began to lead him away. But her lover stopped her, saying to Athena"Don't look so sad, uh, what's your name again"

Athena gave him a most pathetic look. "Athena Firestone."

"Don't fret, pretty Athena, I shall marry both of you" The prince of Mirkwood still hadn't learned his lesson.

"I don't think so, Legolas" howled Vallawen, slapping him on the shoulder. Her icy blue eyes hatefully glittered while still managing to look as sparkly and new as morning dew upon frozen blades of grass on an early spring morning. "You've got to choose! Her or me"

"But I can't." Legolas looked crestfallen, his blue-eyes-that-should-be-grey searching the ground. "I want you both" he whined, unsure of what to do. And indeed he did want them both; since the Sues could not outdo each other when it came to making Legolas lust for them, the Elf felt torn between two girls that he knew in his heart were his true loves. But unfortunately for him, only one true love could he have. This had never been a problem before - sure, girls fell into Middle-earth and had sex with him all of the time and numerous un-canonical warrior women had married him at their leisure in other stories, but never had two girls seeking his affection come into conflict with each other before.

The fiery redheaded nymph sighed. "There's one way to settle this" Athena Firestone said slowly. "We must duel."

"Very well then, wench! We shall duel" smirked Vallawen, for she knew she would win. After all, she was Odin's best fighter.

"Good" Athena shot back, her exotic jade eyes glittering with anticipation. She was sure to defeat this snobby blonde. After all, she was the daughter of Zeus. "This should be fun." The girl's green-turquoise eyes narrowed as she raised her muscular but not too muscular arms to the heavens. "Oh Father, the daughter of Keira, your mistress, who was oppressed so vehemently by your true wife Artemis; the daughter who is desired so by that frightening and evil Hades, calls upon you now. Father, I beg that you call all power of heaven and hell and all between into my body as aid in the destruction of this foul being."

A silver light surrounded - Legolas and Aragorn could actually see the power flowing into her ravenous veins, her green eyes flashing with such passion and anger that the whole world could feel the heat from her anguished yet powerful body. Her thin legs stretched out slightly with the grace of a ballerina as she prepared to launch an attack on the wench who stood before her. Holding her muscular-but-not-too-muscular-as-to-not-be-sexy arms out, she gave her Haradrim-killing battle cry. "HIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

But her opponent was filled with the power of the almighty Odin, the father of the Norselands. Vallawen's long blond hair shone with a mystical light that seemed to generate from the very air around her, giving her power. Her greatly described dress from the beginning of this chapter was magically transformed into her usual Valkyrie costume. The jewels in her helmet changed from icy blue to dark red, something that happened whenever she was about to battle with a foe that particularly pissed her off, while her cold, dispassionate eyes changed to the color of freshly mined gold just for dramatic effect, and her pearly white teeth gleamed harshly. With Frinwiniel in hand, the Elven Valkyrie gave a mighty shout, the force of which threw Aragorn and Legolas backwards a few hundred yards, and charged Athena Firestone with a hate burning in her golden eyes, the likes of which had never been seen in Middle-earth before.

The fair Firestone maiden was not so easily daunted. Answering with another soft yet swift cry, the young warrior princess drew her own sword and screeched"Hiyah! Yah"

The earth trembled at her harrowing cry, and two mythical bodies met with a jolt of lightening as Athena swung her sword, forcing Vallawen to lift Frinwiniel in combat.


End file.
